19 years of age

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xXWhateverItTakesXx, Jul 17, 2011.

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  1. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    So I will be 19 soon, and I think this is it.. I can't stand another minute in this hell. I will struggle on until my birthday..but then, I am gone.

    So many years of abuse, being used and everything else. I don't deserve this world, I am just a piece of crap. I have lived long enough, and it will soon be my time to go.

    :mortd: :sad:
  2. Jeserai

    Jeserai Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear you had a terrible past. Have you had any therapy for this?
    I don't agree you don't deserve this world and that you are just a piece of crap. Maybe people told you this, but they lied. Everyone deserves the world and nobody is a piece of crap. Yeah, maybe the people who did such terrible things to you.
    But you are worthy.
    I hope you will hold on, get some therapy for your trauma's and being suicidal. Therapy can really help!
  3. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I have had so many counsellors and social worker people that it makes me feel sick thinking about it.

    They never help, they always left in the end. Leaving me alone, heartbroken and so scared. So screw everything, nothing is worth this amount of pain.

    Maybe when I am gone, people will believe what I told them.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Whateverittakes - I know your hurting - I guess I'm the age of your uncles maybe your dad or older - so I'm an older man who KNOWS men.

    I mean, men talk to each other - just like women do - about private matters and we talk about women.

    The company I keep - is generally nice. We might be loud I guess - but I know all my friends - all the 'lads' as it were, the chaps, your 'homeys' - we all unite in our hatred of men who abuse women. And men who abuse children? To be honest - part of me just says 'kill them all' - and I cannot really think of any saving grace for any man who so much as lays a hand on a women.

    I mean hitting her.

    I know a LOT of men who think this way. You'd be surprised. And although I am old fashioned - I think its great that younger people maybe talk to each other more than we - or I used to. My younger relatives, around your age or a little older - all the boys at least - they are good people.

    I know that part of the horrific consequences of abuse is to have this 'fear' of men - this great mistrust that all are the same. The abuser took from you that innocence which should have been your path. I mean your childhood - all the wonderful things kids love doing - and your sexuality also - the woman you were becoming and the choices YOU would have made when your old enough and ready.

    People who should have been willing to die for you - and love you as a daughter, niece, a young girl - some of those people were wicked people - are wicked. I'm guessing not all were - and I sure hope at least one is with you. If not - for some people in life they have to leave the family to find love. This is so sad - but you would do it to break the cycle.

    I don't want to upset you any more than you are - but when you cry let them be tears that you can share with us here. Your crying for the beautiful child you were - its like looking back and seeing someone else sometimes - but you were a child!

    Your entire fate was in the hands of those who should have loved you. They did not love you - you endured cruelty but I know in my heart that you will NEVER be a cruel person!

    As for you being 'crap' and not deserving of the world - this is depression and trauma clouding your judgement.

    Furthermore, I think you can survive, but 'surviving' will be like an interim period - a short space in which you decide that you will move on. Playing things over in your mind is not a good thing - if anything write about it. I know other women have done this here - and guys also I expect.

    And as for being 19, you are so very young - I know that sometimes it seems like killing yourself is the answer - but what you need to kill off is carrying the guilt for other people and blaming yourself.

    Your life can be a wonderful thing. I know that right now you might hate me for saying that - but I think you know what I'm going to say next!

    You do have options - but I'll cut to the chase and say that I hope you find someone to love. In fact - its best if you do some education also - maybe even think towards you being the young lady who listens to children who may have been abused one day? I take it you had nobody as a child.

    You see - for all the hurt you feel there are ways to channel that hurt. Just holding it in is like trying to breath underwater. Part of you says you do not want to go on - but you know that part all so well. The other part wants to live, wants to love, wants to maybe be that mother whose children are bright, happy, early for school and who have a sanctuary of love.

    The thing about life whateverittakes - you think that if you were not here that everyone would be so much better off. Some real nice young man out there - the sort you'd tell everything to - maybe his fate is already lined up with yours. In fact, there are lots of nice men so who knows how many?

    And if your not there - maybe some man lives a life in which his choices then lead to a less happy world - and the people he knows, and on and on it goes!

    People who may have been - won't exist!

    Anyhow - as a child you had no choices. If the people around you had said "jump over a cliff" - you'd do it. You were taught no different until you got older and started to hate yourself as you realised the betrayal.

    On this forum, God knows what some of the younger people have been through - but I think that there is a part of you that can give them hope if you really try!

    The child who you were - would hug you and tell you to live.

    I guess were all here here to hug you and assure you that people do care - you care also - and there are many good men out there, age appropriate, (25 is old when your 19!) who will listen to you, believe you - and for you to enjoy just being a young woman.

    It will take time - but when you meet someone who loves you - there will be a simple 'second' in which you meet them! Till then, please look after yourself, get some tips here off other women who will give better advise re what to expect and what to avoid!

    I hope you can do some study - you've missed out I guess but do not worry - you could be in university or something in a couple of years or less. So avoid men till your 21 - would be my advice, but I'm in my late forties and I'm sure men aged 19 are thinking "who is this killjoy?"

    Just watch it! Plus - what are your qualifications, aspirations and so on? Ever been convicted of a crime? Are you good with children? Animals? Would you be willing to submit to a lie detector test? (I got this software - that does actually 'work')

    I'm just being protective. I nominate you as my online niece. Take care!!!

    Regards - a big hug and I know that things will be alright.

    It would be great to see you believe in yourself just a little bit more.

    Aged 19, you'd be just finding your way in the world so don't worry so much. If you are up to it - when you are up to it - we can look at what education courses there will be for you.

    And, finally, if you came here alone - your not now! That goes to anyone.

    Best wishes and God Bless!
  5. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Wow...That is certainly the longest reply I have ever had. Must of taken you a while;even if you are a fast typer.

    I don't know how to reply. Mainly cause it's 12:30 am and I'm tired and because I still feel like shit and it's my sisters bday today. Bring on the fake smiles..

    I will reply in more detail later...and thanks hun :hug: xx
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Fake smiles?

    We actually just frown upside down!

    And that's one of my shortest replies.

    Yes, I do type fast - I'm currently buying something off Amazon, arguing about the government on another forum, emailing some buddies and have 3 or 4 Word windows open, with articles ranging from the prices in Tesco - to metaphysics! (people mention something - 5 seconds later I'm the expert!) and I have got a couple of other things on the go.

    But do not worry - I have your full attention, John - I've ordered that thing off Amazon, but its in blue.

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