1st day at work after holiday

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by munkey82, Mar 16, 2015.

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  1. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    So I had a week off and felt good for the first time in ages.

    Today I go back to work, it felt like torture. Maybe if I had a job that meant something, helping people... problem is I have responsibilities and don't have the luxury of choosing a lower paid job to gain happiness.
    I know its not just the job but if I can have a week off and feel happy, surely its got to be one of the main triggers of my depression... the fact I work alone 95% of the time is probably what is doing it... too much time to think.

    Today has been pretty awful, im supposed to drive to London tomorrow but I cant describe how much I don't want to go. I don't understand why I feel like this but I cant take it much longer. I always try and help people, im polite, honest and am one of the most loving people you will meet. I try and be the best father I can and spend time doing things with my son and daughter and teaching them new things. I try so hard to be a good person yet I keep falling further into depression. The pain is physical, I just want it to stop. I ache and I feel ill. If I had an off button I would have pressed it.

    How can you recover form this when all you can think about is dying? When living is just causing you pain and nothing else...
  2. Atlantico

    Atlantico New Member

    Could be my words...literally ....
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    The wrong job can very definitely cause serious suicidal depression - I speak from experience. The fact that you feel so much worse after holiday is a pretty good indicator it's the wrong job, and you might be absolutely right that working alone 95% could be a contributing factor. I also worked alone most of the time at a job I couldn't afford to leave - for 35 years. It was a dream job on paper, but for some reason, it was a bad fit with me. If there is any way whatsoever that you can change jobs to one that fits you better, I would urge you to do it. I know that is much easier said than done - people urged me to leave, and I couldn't either until I finally was able to retire. During those 35 years, I survived with the help of therapy and medication, family, friends and hobbies. It sounds like you are a wonderful father and a very caring person and you should take pride in that - remember that this is not your fault.
  4. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    Thank you for your kind words, today has been worse... I'm a mess
  5. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    Came home from work to world war 3. After about an hour of shouting between my wife and daughter i broke down crying told them they had broken me and went to my shed where I had every intention of going through with it. I've spent the last hour crying so hard my tears are basically salt and are burning my face. Fighting the urge to end it all with everything I have, My wife walks in and says in a sarcastic tone "poor you... Man up" and then shouts at me.

    I feel dead inside, I think it's my mind Protecting me. I think if I could feel it would kill me.
  6. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Munkey82, That sounds horrible! My God! Telling a suicidal person to "man up" is not just pointless, it's stupid and counterproductive and harmful. I'm sorry you had to hear that. You need help right away - is there a hotline you can call? Is hospitalization an option? I've had mixed experiences with both but they did keep me alive past the critical point. My heart goes out to you Please don't do anything. I care about you and so do others here.
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Munkey82, please do not do anything and do not take those harsh words to heart as you are important. I don't think it nice to hear such negative comments. Be safe.
  8. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Talking to a crisis team or to your GP and even discussion of the possibility of hospitalization for a brief period or being signed off from work for a brief period might be the best approach. So far as man up- , there is nothing more difficult or that can yield as much result as facing up to the depression and getting the treatment you need so you you can continue to be a good father to your children for years as opposed to just for an afternoon at a time as an act of sheer willpower. So far as responsibilities so cant change jobs, you can't meet your responsibilities at al if you are dead so some real serious discussion of priorities is in order- and in that discussion you are the first priority- your wife can choose to support you or not, but you owe it yourself and your children to get you in a better place to be around for them long term.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  9. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    I walked out of work today and into the doctors, tears running down my face. I told the receptionist I need to see my doctor urgently. She said I could see him on Friday morning or go to AE if its that bad, I have been down that road before though. 2 ignorant case workers interviewing me like im a criminal, lots of promises of help and follow up appointments and then abandoned after a few weeks and told to go and see my GP for drugs if i feel suicidal again.

    I asked if I could at least speak to my GP. She said she will call. That was 2 hours ago.

    I hope when I do finally go, those who ridiculed me and ignored me, those who think I should "man up" and those doctors who have no time all feel appropriately guilty and are ashamed. Trying to get help today has made me realise what a state this world and the people who live on it are in. Its like people just look straight through me. I spend a good deal of my life doing things for other people, being their shoulder to cry on, painting their houses, fixing their pcs... but no one has any time for me. I'm not sure I even want to get over this anymore. I can honestly say if it wasn't for my children and what it would do to them Id be dead this morning. I have nothing left anymore. just feel like a shell of myself. To all you who think you can get through this on your own, you cant. Dont leave it too late like i have.
  10. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry that the DR's office was so useless, I hope they do call. If they do not, because the receptionist was too busy having her power trip to find some way for you to get immediate attention from somebody, then do consider the A&E . While yes, there are some drawbacks, they also have the most ability to provide actual service as opposed to simply doing a referral and sending you home to wait days or weeks for that referral to be acted on by even so much as a phone call. The GP can sign you off work maybe, but A&E can do thta plus more and maybe worth the extra headache if you are getting no support at home.

    Take Care

    - Ben
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