okay, I've never posted before and I'm totally new here. Basically, here is my situation. I am a male, and I have been sort of depressed for about 5 years. Well, I've been mildly depressed for most of my life but in the last five years I've actually truly wanted to just end it. I have very few friends and the ones I have either can't or won't help. I try to put on the mask of happiness but one of my friends noticed I wasn't my usual "happy" self. She was awesome for trying to help but the whole time we "talked" she was texting her boyfriend and I just felt like a burden. On to why this started. When I was younger, up until now, I have had so few friends and my family was distant. Also, I think I might be gay. Wow, I actually said it. I've had relationships with girls and I really did love them, but I still was somewhat attracted to other boys. My mom is a hard-core christian so I can't talk to her about it. I hear all the anti-gay talk both of my parents talk about. I can't tell my friends because they would treat me different, I know because one of my other friends came out and they treat him different now, not bad just different. I can't talk to that friend because he can't keep a secret at all. Listen, if you are reading this and have made it this far thank you. I just want to die. I am tired and I just hate life and people. I've been bullied since grade school and I just can't take it anymore. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm an atheist but I am still scared. I don't want to die, I just want this to stop, and I can't find a way out. I want to see a psychiatrist but I can't let people find out and I can't talk to one since I know they break confidentiality. Before you tell e they don't, one of my friend's mom is a psychiatrist and I have heard her tell her son about the things she hears. Whether people I know find out or other people, I just don't want people to find out, they already think I'm weak and they can't know this. Please if you read this through, what can I do?