1st time here - hi there. Help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UKguy, Nov 4, 2007.

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  1. UKguy

    UKguy Member

    Hi there.

    This is my first time here. I am looking for some support, I feel very anxious, tormented and I have suicidal thoughts. I have something going on my life at the moment; an extremely personal thing (I will tell you all about it at one point) but I do feel in the depths of despair.
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Being anxious and tormented by god knows what can easily bring forth suicidal thoughts UKguy. Not knowing what is going on in your life, what disturbs you, I can only hope that this is temp. and that it will soon pass.

    Should I be wrong and you want to share some of your burden, it might lift up some of its weight by sahring.

    Be safe
  3. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Talking about your problems is a mjor step in feeling better and also allows other people to help you.
  4. UKguy

    UKguy Member

    Hi, thanks for your replies

    I know that it is good to talk and I will - just give me some time.

  5. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Take all the time you need. This place is full of good ears.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...like anything new, it takes time to feel comfortable...please continue to let us know howyou are doing, at your own pace, and as much or little as you want...we are here, and you are not alone...big hugs, J
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Hey UKguy, welcome to SF. Take as long as you like. We're all here for you when you ready to talk about it.
  8. UKguy

    UKguy Member

    Hi there

    I think I am ready to discuss what is really bothering me and why I have these suicidal thoughts:

    I am a gay man and have been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years now. At the end of September, we went on holiday and, before we went, we agreed that we could have sex with other people as the relationship was getting a bit stale. My partner, however, halfway through the holiday was having second thoughts.

    We went out one night for a few drinks and I stayed out longer and had sex with someone who was HIV positive (I didn’t know at the time he was HIV positive, he told me after we had sex). Anyway, I am almost 100% sure that we used protection and that he didn’t penetrate me at all without a condom. There were certain things that were said and certain things that were done that lead me to believe that we used protection and that nothing untoward happened. I have went over it in my head a million times and I have a mental block with certain “key” facts – it seems that I can’t remember certain things (I don’t know if this down to stress or anxiety about the whole thing).

    I am now really worried that I have contracted HIV and the consequences this will have on my relationship. I have told my partner what has happened and we are now practising safe sex. My partner feels that if what I have told him is correct, I have nothing to worry about but if that if I turn out to be HIV positive, then I will have been lying to him and, in that case, he has said the relationship is over.

    I have told my partner what has happened and we are practising safe sex.

    I feel really bad because:

    1. I am annoyed that I cannot remember exactly what happened (I wasn’t drunk or on recreational drugs – I take neither of these). I do not know why I cannot remember, although I am sure that everything was ok. Could this be down to anxiety, or could it be that I have went over it so much in my mind that it is all now muddled.

    2. I feel that I have let my partner down. He is the most loyal, kind person I know. He is really good to me and we get on well, he has helped me out financially in the past. I really feel that he does not deserve someone like me. The fact that I have hurt him, when all he wants is a simple but good relationship, is what pains me the most. I really don't think I could live with myself if I had hurt him really badly - this is what upsets me most.

    2. I have now developed oral thrush which is really worrying me. I have phoned several helplines and been on the internet. Some say that oral thrush could be an indicator of early HIV infection and others say that it could not. Having developed this oral thrush has sent my mind into overdrive and has made me question as to how “safe” the sex really was. Is this anxiety/stress or HIV?

    Basically, I have a number of choices:

    1. I wait until 3 months (you have to wait this period of time for the test to be accurate) and have an HIV test (I would have one anyway, even for my own sake) and hope that it comes out ok and if it does, then I don’t ever get myself in this situation again (this goes back to the question of: was there a situation in the first place as I am sure that I was protected), then I just concentrate on my relationship and everything is fine. In this case, there has been no harm done.

    2. I go for the HIV test in 3 months time and it comes out positive. It this happens, then my life has changed forever and my relationship is over, all for the sake of 2 minutes of passion which I didn’t even enjoy (I would find this very difficult to deal with – the fact that for a moment of madness, my whole life is ruined and my relationship is ruined).

    3. I do not take the chance of awaiting the outcome and just finish it all just now. After all, I have let my partner down, I have let myself down and what really is the point. I have been fairly pro-active in the thoughts of taking my own life in that I have thought things through with regard to how I would do it; I have even went as far as writing suicide notes.

    I am finding it really difficult to cope, more so since developing this oral thrush. I feel terrified for the future. It really really upsets me that I have done this to my partner and I find that more difficult that HIV itself. I know that it could two ways:

    1. A negative result – my relationship is intact and my life is back to normal.
    2. A positive result – my partner leaves me and my relationship is over and my life is ruined. This worries me more than HIV itself. Because I love my partner very much, I am so scared of losing him which makes me scared of the outcome.

    If there is anything I have left out, I will add it in.

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2007
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What a horrible wait that is...and of course, I hope you are negative...I cannot count how many nights I have spent that way...luckily, my guardian angel has been there for me...forgive yourself...you cannot change the past...it was a hard lesson for me to learn, myself, and I have just begun to practice what i am suggesting...and live your life...you did something you are not proud of...who hasn't???

    I am so glad you decided to share with us...it took a lot of bravery...please continue and we will be here for you..please PM me if you need a listening ear (eye)...big hugs, J
  10. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Based on what you wrote, there is every reason to believe that you are ok. You have not behaved in a dangerous and reckless manner, there was no penetration involved, you are nearly 100 % sure that you had used a condom, had no unprotected sex and you were not drunk or on drugs during sex...All that speaks very much in your favour.

    For the time being, I really would not worry too much about it, as it is really unlikely -given the above facts - that you are positive.

    Just to get reassurance I would get in touch with a few helplines, who will advice you further

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2007
  11. UKguy

    UKguy Member

    Hi there

    I have mixed feelings: one minute i am ok but the next minute Iam totally down and have convinced myself that I am HIV positive. I have a really dry mouth and white coated tongue and its driving me nuts; my GP told me it was thrush which really sent my mind into overdrive thinking it was the first signs of HIV infection. She prescribed me some medication that didn't help, so I went back. She now tells me that it is not oral thrush. I am going to see a nurse this evening at the sexual health clinic to see if she will take a swab (I had a swab taken previously which showed no yeasts). The symptoms could be two things:

    1. First signs of HIV infection.
    2. Just stress and anxiety (although I am sleeping and eating ok, not unless stress at the back of the mind can play havoc).

    I am absolutely terrified as the stakes are really high in terms of diagnosis and the impact on my relationship. Basically, if I turn out to be positive, my partner is going to leave me and my life is ruined. I will be all alone with a terminal illness.
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