2-3 more years

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pioneer, Feb 17, 2008.

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  1. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Thats all I've been thinking about for months now. For over a year I've been subconsciously making all my decisions that would lead ultimately to my death. I'm a student and like most students I'm in debt. Around $30k to be exact. It was supposed to be like $15k because I had to pay for all of school, I didn't have scholarships yet my grades and resume is much better than those that do. Oh well. I'll give myself 3 years to pay it all. I can make 15K on co-op if I spend it right and the other 15k-20k can be made within a year. I'll kill myself once I pay back the debt and set aside money for the funeral. Its what I want.

    Its so very stressful being in school, being an engineer, being alone, and feeling overwhelmed. Its so intimidating to look toward my future and to look at my professors, bosses, and co-workers. How could I compare to their expertise. Its so stressful to study and study fir weeks only to continue to fail. Its painful to walk from building to building carrying books, notes, projects, and programs and watch as everyone around you enjoy their college experience. And no one notices you, cares, or admires all the work. Why should I have to work so hard? Why do I have to feel defeated everyday?

    I hate being alone, well I used to at least. I used to feel that I'm miserable because I don't have a companion, like I wasn't good enough. I wanted one badly and try a few times to find a girlfriend that I could talk to, lean on, and support. But I'm not exciting enough and I never have time no matter how hard I try to make time. Once I decided to pursue my plan I realized that women would only hinder me. I wanted to die as quickly as possible. Why should I waste money on them especially if they wouldn't recognize me for who I am. And I did try to show them, I never lied to them about myself, I was never arrogant, and I never disrespected them. Apparently I don't belong.

    I absolutely hate myself as well. I hate my birthday, its the worst day of the year. I never celebrate and I just wish it were over. I turn my phone off and hope that my friends forget. There was never anything special or important about that day. I hate how I'm always to nice and forgiving, that has never brought anything good to me. And i hate being book smart, that just alienated me.

    It shouldn't take no more than 3 yrs to make this money. I want my death, thats all I think about, its the only thing I want. Its the thought of death that pushes me to finishing my degree, knowing that once I'm done I can die without much regret. That feeling is so soothing, to know that I will die soon, to imagine how I will feel as I pull the trigger of the gun to my head, and to let everyone around me know that I was suffering so very much.

    I just wanted to get that outta mys system. Its like me keeping a record of my plan. I just wish I had the money now.

    going to sleep now. if I'm lucky I wont wake up.:biggrin:
     
  2. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Sorry to only look at part of your thread, I also hate my birthday, don't want that day to come, don't want people to wish me a happy birthday because I sure as hell didn't have one last year, didn't do anything at all, was so depressed that it was the damn day I was born into this world. Oh, sorry to go off topic, I must be so selfish! :sad:


    EDIT: May I ask how long you have been depressed? What may have started this? Was it because of college and all the stress and negative things that come from it? 2-3 years is a long time, a huge chance for lots of positive change, I hope that some good things can happen to veer you off your path and have you reconsider your decision.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2008
  3. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    Don't ever compare yourself to professors. They are nothing more than people who have had at least 10 years more than you to keep practicing and remembering the answers. They are also the people who can memorize a large amount of arbitrary information. There are many people who can memorize the textbook but can't figure out the simplest common sense question because a set way of answering hasn't been defined. 90% in school doesn't mean smart, just another zombie. Albert Einstein was thought to be mentally challenged by his teachers. Unfortunately the way things are designed they don't measure intelligence, just willingness to obey.
     
  4. 'Possibilities' one word, but it says everything.
    From day 1 all we are and all we are yet to be is encompassed in the word possibilities. Ahead there are millions of them, dead there are none.
    The possibility of being visited by aliens, who take pity on us and give us all happiness well being and eternal life forever, is a possibility...I don't think you would want to miss out on that one...or winning the lottery...or inventing something that benefits others (your an engineer) even the mundain stuff of everyday life presents possibilities...I’m sure you get my drift...

    I hope this post doesn't seem trite, as it isn't meant to be, as I know when your depressed or suffering with confusion 'possibilities' don't seem real, they appear to be mist in the brain, but they are real, and the best thing about them, is that one leads to another...
     
  5. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I've been depressed and lost ever since middle school. I hated being treated differently. I hated having to fight everyday because of it and no one listening to me. When I went to high school people suddenly started to notice to me because of the high school I went to. But no one listen the just put their hopes and expectations in me instead of their own kids. Now that I pretty much have the most education in the whole family I'm ready to go. I don't want to live a life filled with everyone else's hopes and I don't have the confidence anymore to pursue mine.
     
  6. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    Many people don't understand how much pressure is on a student, escpecially if they're having an higher education. I can find myself in many of your concerns, like birthdays ecc... I'm sure things will go better.
     
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