2-3 things to pass through before I go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by touglytobeloved, Feb 27, 2008.

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  1. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Well, those who have read my previous thread or have chat with me on msn, can easily understand this one. For the others, read the thread or ask, if you want to know something about me. No mather what you will say to me, you cannot change my opinion. I know that you cant really help, you cant make me happier, you can only try to undrestand how i feel and share your thoughts with me. Thats all you can do, and im thankfull for that. Its probably more than i can ask for.
    So, here I am again (sorry if im annoying). Im standing on a crossroad, but all the ways are closed, I can walk only to one of them. Its my way, its the way i must pass through. Its not very long, but i hope ill find some light while im walking through.
    I have already mentioned, im in love with one girl and I cant (probably i wouldnt) live without her. Also, my health problems, I think I have told that a big one appears in about 2 weeks ago. So, im asking myself: Why im still here? Why to bother to live? I dont expect nothing beautifull to happen in my life. Yea, i dont expect, but i hope....
    And I have 2-3 more steps to pass through before i decide finally, before i lost my last hope. First one is probably in the next 2-3 weeks. Ill tell her, i hope i could... When (if) i did so, my world will be upside down after her negative answer (0.00000001% that should be positive, or maybe less). The second one is probably in a month. She will probably leave the country, to work across the border for 6 months. If this happens, if her plan succeed (it could sound selfish, but i want her to stay here), i dont think i can manage to get through that 6 months without her. Im not enough powerfull to go and visit her there, its to expencive for me, i dont have that amount of money to spend, but if i would have it, i can spend all my money to go there and spend that time there, close to her. If, I in some way succeed to pass through, the third and final one is at the end of this year. I will not talk about it, its something like my numerologyst said I could find my love by the end of this year (even i dont believe this much, i have never believed in astrology, numerology, but i kinda starting to, I mean, I want to believe), also, she comes back in september if she goes across the border.
    After this, i could easily made the final decision, i will be happy, or I will dont have any hope and ill search for my happiness in some other place, at the unknown...
     
  2. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I hope that I will be happy after the first step. Its the most important about me. When ill tell her about my strong feelings, if she says YES, ill be the happiest living thing in the whole universum. I could start living again (one thing a have forgoten about).
     
  3. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    I've got all my fingers crossed for you mate, which makes typing a tad difficult.
    Hope you get the answer you need to stay around.
     
  4. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    I really hope you get the anser your looking for. But even if you don't.... I hope you find the strentgh to keep fighting. Good luck, sweetie!!! :hug:
     
  5. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Like I was telling you the other day bro, she may say yes when you ask. And even if she doesnt keep doing what your doing with her and she may change her mind in the future.
     
  6. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    But, she probably leaves in 1 month, maybe less. What than?
     
  7. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Depends on what she says. If it's a yes then I think you should wait for her.
     
  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    If she says yes, it doesnt bothers me to spend the rest of my life waithing for her to come back. She means so much to me... What im afraid of is the negative answer, and i know it would be negative, dont ask me how, i just know.
     
  9. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    hey sweetie, thank you for helping me, and i want to help you hun. i hope you can be happy, i really do. i hope she stays with you sweetie, let me know how everything goes..ok? wish you the best of luck..
     
  10. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Terrible news she brought me today when she came. She said she got the job, and she probably lives in a couple of days. So, I dont think I have enough time to tell her everything. i was making some plan to tell her easy, but... So, 2 of those 3 steps probably will be decided (negatively) sooner than I expect.
    Any sugestions? The fact is that i dont have time. I have wroten a letter in wich is explained everything how I feel about her from the day I meet her, till 3 weeks ago when I wrote the letter. But this letter if so full of emotion, so I dont know how will she react when she read it. The fact is that I love her so much so I dont want to do anything that can hurt her...
    Today when she came she saw that im online on my msn with another account (this one, xxxxxx, which I use it to contact with my SF friends, because she knows my password from my msn that I use it usually). And she asks me why im using another account, and why I dont want to tell her my password for that account. And she said: OK, then im going to open another account and I wont tell you the password for it (she is something like a big cute kid inside her, and its one of the reasons I love her). I also know the password for her account, thats why she said so. But I couldnt tell her that I use this account to join the SF and to chat with my friends from there, because i dont want sometimes when she sits on my pc to start chatting with some of you, eve she doesnt speak english well. So i didnt tell her anything.
    But now the big question is: Should I tell her in the next few days how I feel? Or its better some things never to be spoken? And I didnt mentioned this, my mother and her mother are friends, which is normal, we are neighbours. Im afraid that maybe, only maybe, when she says NO, she can tell her mother, and her mother could tell my mother.... And i dont want that happens. If she says no, I dont want noone to know about that, because when I decide to GO one day, I dont want to someone say that its because of her.
    So, for those who knows me well from my threads and chats on msn, and for those who will read my threads this days and get me know better, I have a question: What would you do if you are at my place, will you tell her, even you actually know the answer?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2009
  11. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    I would tell her. It's better to get it off your chest. Don't care what other people think about it (like your mom) . Just don't worry about it. You say you are going to kill yourself if she says no but you aren't going to keep going if you never tell her. So I think you should just go ahead and let her know how you feel.She might surprise you and love you as well.
     
  12. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Thanks, i hope.
     
  13. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Have you decided when you'll let her know?
     
  14. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    Hi mate, I have to respect your choices and I can't change them but I really hope you do manage to make some changes in your life.
     
  15. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Not yet. I want to be sure when is she going.
     
  16. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Thanks, i want to make some changes, a lot, i hope i will, but....
     
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