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2 am thoughts- suicide

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#1
I think about it a lot, suicide. Sometimes the thought doesnt bother me, and I feel like it would be a good time to do it. But other times- like right now, I want to do it. I come up with ways to and what I would write in my notes, but it makes me sad? It just confuses me, if I really am ready for death would the idea of it upset me? Im not sure if im suicidal or not, because yes, I want to die and would do it- but I know I won't. At least not right now. I dont know if any of that makes sense, but I felt like sharing it. :)
 

Butterfly

Sim Addict
Safety & Support
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#2
There are various levels of suicidal ideation. I was fixed on suicide for a number of years, at least 10 years! But I am mostly over it today. Some times I just used to think about it, sometimes it would be fleeting, other times it would be stronger and I would envisage it in plenty of gory details. I think as long as it's not distressing just ride with it and accept they are only thoughts and not actions.
 
#3
I would go as far as saying I like to fantasise about suicide. I like to fall asleep playing one of my plans through in my head or remembering a previous close call and changing the events for a more ‘successful’ outcome. Am I just weird that I get an enjoyment factor out of it?
What are the levels of ideation @Butterfly ?
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
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#4
The hesitation and holding back is a good thing, because as you note you may have the ups and downs and just take them on a day by day basis. Two days to not worry about...yesterday and tomorrow. I am ready to go also when my time is up but would never do that or anything to those around me. You are making perfect sense and many here are alike in their lives.
 

Jane65

Well-Known Member
#5
There are various levels of suicidal ideation. I was fixed on suicide for a number of years, at least 10 years! But I am mostly over it today. Some times I just used to think about it, sometimes it would be fleeting, other times it would be stronger and I would envisage it in plenty of gory details. I think as long as it's not distressing just ride with it and accept they are only thoughts and not actions.
I would go as far as saying I like to fantasise about suicide. I like to fall asleep playing one of my plans through in my head or remembering a previous close call and changing the events for a more ‘successful’ outcome. Am I just weird that I get an enjoyment factor out of it?
What are the levels of ideation @Butterfly ?
I thought I was the only person to do those things!! I obsessively go over previous attempts and add a "better" ending.
 

Jane65

Well-Known Member
#6
I think about it a lot, suicide. Sometimes the thought doesnt bother me, and I feel like it would be a good time to do it. But other times- like right now, I want to do it. I come up with ways to and what I would write in my notes, but it makes me sad? It just confuses me, if I really am ready for death would the idea of it upset me? Im not sure if im suicidal or not, because yes, I want to die and would do it- but I know I won't. At least not right now. I dont know if any of that makes sense, but I felt like sharing it. :)
Yes it very much makes sense. I hope you found it helpful to share your thoughts. I think very many people contemplate the idea of suicide from time to time but that not many people actually follow right through.
Do you feel that a safety plan might be useful in case you ever feel like the urge is nearing overwhelm? There are some really good ideas for safety plans in some threads.
Thinking of you xxx
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#7
I think about it a lot, suicide. Sometimes the thought doesnt bother me, and I feel like it would be a good time to do it. But other times- like right now, I want to do it. I come up with ways to and what I would write in my notes, but it makes me sad? It just confuses me, if I really am ready for death would the idea of it upset me? Im not sure if im suicidal or not, because yes, I want to die and would do it- but I know I won't. At least not right now. I dont know if any of that makes sense, but I felt like sharing it. :)
In a glimpse of sense, you feel bothered by all the things you have written. Perhaps, it's just a bit of despair you are facing and death by suicide, subconsciously, is still something you don't want to commit. That is good.

Wanting death only to oneself is pretty much how I define "suicidal".

Nothing makes sense anymore. You are not alone in this.
 

justrob

Keep on keeping on.
#8
I think about it a lot, suicide. Sometimes the thought doesnt bother me, and I feel like it would be a good time to do it. But other times- like right now, I want to do it. I come up with ways to and what I would write in my notes, but it makes me sad? It just confuses me, if I really am ready for death would the idea of it upset me? Im not sure if im suicidal or not, because yes, I want to die and would do it- but I know I won't. At least not right now. I dont know if any of that makes sense, but I felt like sharing it. :)
I did a lot of this today. Thinking about killing myself, and planning all the notes I need to write and the all the things I need to get in order so my "estate" could quickly be transferred to people. I understand it. The methods were rather gruesome and not what I would actually use, so even though I was feeling really bad, I put the suicidal thoughts in the category of fantasy. I am lucky, the feeling past and I am good now.
 

justrob

Keep on keeping on.
#9
I would go as far as saying I like to fantasise about suicide. I like to fall asleep playing one of my plans through in my head or remembering a previous close call and changing the events for a more ‘successful’ outcome. Am I just weird that I get an enjoyment factor out of it?
What are the levels of ideation @Butterfly ?
I used to fall asleep the thinking about different ways to die. I wasn't depressed or anything, but after awhile and for years I would fall thinking about one particular and quite difficult method, unrealistic really.
 
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