2 Sonnets (trigger??)

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by barto, May 25, 2011.


Which sonnet is better?

  1. The first

    1 vote(s)
  2. The second

    2 vote(s)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    I'm not very good on what triggers people, I'm not really triggered by anything I read, watch on tv, etc. Anyways, these are two sonnets I wrote for my English class (studying Shakespeare). I'm kind of torn between which one to hand in :laugh:

    Attic Tomb
    The house feels cold and empty in the dark
    she tries to sleep, no friendly dream appears
    so many nights of longing leave their mark
    her pillow soaked with moisture from her tears

    The silence echoes loudly through the air
    no laughter now to brighten up the day
    no loving arms to show how much they care
    alone within these confines she will stay

    She gazes at the distant countryside
    Sitting inside her prison of the attic room
    knowing her parents must have lied
    to leave her here to die inside this tomb

    They say she had a fall upon the stair
    and haunts the empty house in gaunt despair.

    Forgotten Dolls
    A hair-thin crack runs down her porcelain face.
    She's framed in a moth-eaten, tattered dress
    with worn satin trim and yellowed lace
    Her face, twisted in a look of duress

    Stilled emotions and lips once ruby red,
    in her blank eyes she tries to hide the pain.
    Her skin, a ghostly-white from life that bled
    Her arms out-stretched groping fingers all in vain

    I pick her up and brush her cobweb hair
    and a tear falls and rests upon her cheek.
    Both cast away with no one left to care,
    we share a pain; it hurts too much to speak.

    At least in her I can confide,
    yet I'm still lonely now, a widowed bride
  2. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    These are both extremely good poems! I find them both to be extremely enthralling, I think though, my favourite is by far the latter of the two.

    However, I do have one query (forgive me if I'm mistaken, it's been over a year since I studied sonnets). If I'm not mistaken, isn't a sonnet meant to be 14 lines of rhyming couplets, all based in iambic pentameter? I mean, it's quite likely I could be wrong, there's just this little nagging thought :p

    That aside though, these two poems are quite simply, utterly amazing. You have an extremely unique way with words, and it captures me and enthrals me. You have some real talent with your poetry!! :D

    APYBFJS Member

    The first one relates more to me, and if I could sing I would turn it into a song.

    Such a great effort for writing such beautiful poems. Well Done!
  4. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much! :shelbi:

    To answer your question though, there are several types and variations of sonnets (Italian, French, etc). The type of sonnet I'm supposed to write is a Shakespearian sonnet. It has a format of 3 quatrains and a couplet with the rhyme scheme being: abab cdcd efef gg. All being in the iambic pentameter, of course.

    Did I make any mistakes in the inambic pentameter? If so, please correct me. I'm only in 9th grade and it's the first time I've ever written a sonnet. The only way I'll learn is by recognizing my mistakes :wink:

    Thank you again for your comment!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2011
  5. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words! They're extremely appreciated.
  6. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    No, you didn't make any mistakes in your use of iambic pentameter. At first I felt a few lines didn't flow, however after checking, it's all fine :)

    And you're in 9th grade?! I can't write in iambic pentameter purposefully, and I've been trying to write a shakespearean sonnet for about 3-4 years now! I'm moreso impressed with you!
  7. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    Aw, thanks so much ^_____^ Both for your praise and for checking the iambic pentameter. It means a lot :)

    Sorry for the late response too, my Internet got zapped by lightning :dry:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.