1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

2 stories

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by DreamReaver, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    Been alone my entire life, so why does it bother me. Never wanted always unwanted. Tried everything and nothing works. Have no reason to be here. But the loneliness has taken control of me. Every year it gets worse and worse, 16 years of depression, never ending, never stopping.

    I am so trying to resist the urge to end it all, but loosing the battle, have run out of ideas to change this downward never ending spiral. Not a people person. Been alone all my life, no brothers, no sisters, grew up away from everyone else. Loneliness shouldn't get me down, but i can't resist. Been sad so long now it is what i am. I created what i am. Its my entire fault, no one else to blame, wish there was someone, something to blame, but no, it is my entire fault for who, what i am.

    I wonder what it is like to be normal, i know i will never know. Less in death i can be like everyone else. Dead.

    33 and all i see is nothing, a wasted, unwanted, lonely life. Tried so very hard and ended up with the result of nothing, nothing even close, just non stop rejections.

    Story 1...........

    The ultimate rejection: Had a friend wanted the same thing as me, just to have a family of her own, not be lonely. Same dreams as me. She was so depressed, she was going to kill herself, no one wanted her. We talked that night and I suggested that we get together, but of course not with me, she prefer to be dead than be with me. And then she disappeared. But it does have a happy ending (well for her), in the end she didn't kill herself, now she has a child of her own, though the father does not give a shit about her or the baby. But she does not care, i have never seen her so happy. She has her own family now, she does not have the loneliness, the despair ,the unhappiness, unwantedness, she has her son.

    Story 2.............

    Rejection in a different way: Another friend, now not a friend. Was so depressed, drank, cutting herself, etc. We where best of friends, I did everything for her that i could and helped as best as I could. She had no friends where she lived, in another state to me. I even moved up to her instead of going to a friends wedding that was held in another state, i sacrificed friends, family everything just to make her feel she wasn't alone. We talked about if if she wanted me up there, etc and she said yes. 1st week she helped me find my own place, not too far away from hers. 5 weeks later i moved back home as she never spoke to me or visited me or anything after the first week.

    We remained friends, though she only spoke to me a few times every six months or so. Then once again we became best of friends and then she made me the happiest person alive. She made the best day of my life come true. She rang me, we talked and said she loved me, and wanted to be with me, wanted me to come down to her and live with her, have a family, all the things I have ever wanted, etc. The first and only time anyone has wanted or said any of those things to me. But it was too good to be true, The next morning I got a text message from her saying it was a ll a mistake, she shouldn't of said any of it to me and that was that. Stopped talking to me yet again, and nearly 12 months passed. And once again she comes out of no where talking to me and once again we become the best of friends. But something was different. She was happy, not just happy, the happiest I have ever seen her. And she told me, she had a partner, she was getting married and her partner was a woman.. Absolutely devastated, yet so delighted that she has found happiness. She prefer to be with another woman than to even give me a try, us a chance. And once again she stops talking to me.

    She always has known how much I truly love her, she has been the only woman that actually has the same interests as me from my music taste, to the books I read, to movies/tv shows and everything else I like. You would think we where twins with the things we have in common. I have never met a woman like and her and never will. To me she is my soul mate, but obviously i'm not hers or any ones.

    She has only talked to me once this year, she rang me as she was so completely desperate and depressed and no one else to turn to or talk to. I was her last resort, sanctuary, we talked, I made her feel better and have not talked to her since and this was months ago.

    The 2 friends in the stories I have known for nearly 10 years and are the only ones that have ever known the real me and apparently liked me for what and who I am, but apparently only liked me as friend when it was convenient for them. I have never seem them so happy and I always made a promise to myself, once they are both happy, then it is time for me to end it all, they don't need me, well only when its convenient for them. They are happy and that is all that matters. But I refuse to continue to be so fucking depressed just to make others happy. Isn't it my turn to find happiness, 16 years of this shit and nothing has ever changed. The loneliness just gets worse and worse, though I know I deserve it..

    I don't want to die because of them, I wanted to die long before I knew either of them, they are just 2 stories that have happened to me. I know they are meaningless to most people and I have said time after time, I know I should not be here. There would be millions that would love to have the life I have. But the loneliness is just too much for me to handle any more, I have fought it it for so long and have never won, I am only still here simply because my first attempt failed and I am scared of what would happen if my next attempt doesn't work. But I do have a plan to overcome that.

    Sorry for the really long post, but then again can't imagine anyone will be bothered reading it all. And if you do, then I ask why, I am sure you have your own problems, worse problems than mine to deal with than to worry about someone else's.

    Every night I lie in bed thinking why can't I be dead, why can't an accident happen to me that will kill me, a disease, a cancer anything that will kill me. But I know if I want to be dead I am going to have to try to do it myself. I am never going to die a lonely old man, I will make sure of that I have promised myself that. It is not if I do it, its when, It is only a matter of time.

  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hi David,

    This won't take the loneliness away, but I wanted to say that I reckon you've been used by your two friends. You were giving and caring and there for them, but they didn't stay around even as a friend to you, to ask how you are, what you been doing. That makes me feel angry on your behalf, and really sorry, you deserve so much better.

    I've read from your other posts that you're in a bad place right now. Please don't feel alone, you're not alone here. Keep talking, I'll be listening, and so will many others.

  3. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry your friends treated you this way, particularly story # 2 - to say things like that and then just take it away the next morning is really awful.
  4. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm always here for you.
  5. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    thank you for your replies, you are all good and friendly people and thank you for the offers of listening. Though listening will not change my situation anyway so it is pointless. I am a very quiet person, prefer to write than talk, i very rarely talk to my good friends let alone to strangers.

    As i have said before i am very introverted. Not a people person at all. I only have myself to blame for my loneliness and depression. I cannot change who or what i am, i know this even though i have tried to change.

    The "friends" in the stories, its not there fault and they are wonderful people, the reactions i got from them are not unique, i get those sort of reactions all the time, people just stop talking to me because the way I am, the very quiet person.

    In the end i am just a lost cause and that cannot be helped. If i cannot help myself, how can others help me. Actually thinking about it i really don't know why i am here in SF.
  6. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hi David,

    If writing is your natural medium, then SF is precisely the place you ought to be!

    It sounds like you are blaming yourself for other people's inadequacies. And I don't think you are a lost cause, I wish you'd just keep posting, keep talking. And how about, if other people can help you first, then maybe you can help yourself? There are some things that can't be sorted out on your own, don't you think?
  7. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    I use to blame others, but after 16 years of never ending rejections, never been liked or even close to being wanted, it can't be them, it has to be me. Why won't they accept me, well I do ask and have never got an answer, I am guessing they are just too nice to be honest, so you just jump to conclusions. I really don't why I bother trying or living, if it wasn't for the loneliness, I think I would be having a good happy life, but like I said the loneliness just overwhelms any possible happiness.