2 times I attempted but I'm still alive

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by mertcrklel, Apr 12, 2014.

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  1. mertcrklel

    mertcrklel New Member

    Hi there. I'm Mert from Turkey and I'm 17 now. First of all sorry about my bad English. I'll tell what I lived as I can.

    I was really depressed all the time. I wanted to die, but I was afraid about attempting suicide. I was left school and working in supermarket. My girlfriend left me and that was really hard for me. I lived so special things with her. I loved her so much. But she left me for no reason. I couldn't forget her. I had no friends, I was alone all the time. At the morning I wake up and I'm going to work. I worked so hard and at the evening I came home. I was so tired and I needed sleep. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go out with someone, have a fun or something like that. Other day same things going on. 7 months everything happened like that. I was drinking beer everytime. When I had a money I'm buying a beer, or other alcohols. I was being alcoholic. I decided to change my city and live in another city with myself. My mom and father is separate. I was living with my mom and brother. I told my mom that I wanted leave city, and live by myself. Of course she didn't want to leave me by myself. But I was decided. I was looking for house for rent and job. My uncle came and beat me. He talked so bad. I was feeling so bad. So I decided to attempting suicide. Tomorrow I woke up and wrote suicide letters to my family and friends. At the night I tell my mom that I'm going out with my friend. So she let me. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> I thought it can kill me. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> So I couldn't. But I was stable. I can't remember all what I had. I will tell that I can remember. I was lying on the floor. There was so much blood at my head, and it was so hot. I tell them that I need help but I couldn't speak. People were screaming. And other thing that I remember I was at the ambulance. Ambulance officers asked me that did I attempted suicide or fall with accident. I told them that I attempted suicide. So they took me to hospital. Doctors waited for me to die for a few days. But I was still alive. Specialist doctors told my mom that I can't stand up, and that I will live at the bed forever. But at the 3 or 4 months I stand up like old days. That was miracle. Doctors couldn't believe me. So I was healthly like the old days expect my left arm and left leg. Still I can't walk as before, and I can't use my left arm. I received psychiatric treatment, I used pills. But it didn't worked. So I was depressed again and that was really hard. Psychiatrist told me that I am major depression.

    I attempted suicide again. I swallowed my psychiatric pills, and again they took me to hospital. I survived again. But I'm still depressed. I hate myself so much, I don't want to live anymore. I think death is so beautiful and restful. I can't take out this thoughts from my mind.

    I'm still alcoholic. I started smoke marijuana. I'm listening depressed songs about suicide or things like that. I'm still tkinking about suicide, I guess I will attempt again.

    Sorry about my English again...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It takes awhile to find the right medication that will help your depression hun please don't give up ok Talk to your doctor and get a change in your meds or have add ons to them
    I am sorry you are so sad but talking here helps ok you can make friends here and not be so alone hugs
    Your mother loves you hun don't harm her by leaving her hugs
  3. redrobin62

    redrobin62 Active Member

    It saddens me to read this post. I really hope you don't try suicide anymore. Believe me, I know what internal pain feels like. It's agonizing.
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