2 weeks, no cuts and no pills

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 4, 2008.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So it has been 2 weeks since I was last in hospital. Hopefully this means that I am on the road to recovery. I still feel bad, numb, low what ever you want to call it. I still have suicidal urges when I am feeling really bad but I haven't acted on them. It is something that I am always thinking about though. What I mean is I am thinking of ways that wouldn't look like suicide. I want to have a plan in place so that I don't do anything wrong where I'd end up in a worse situation than what I am in now. Seeing an alcohol counsellor every monday where we look at what I am drinking... last week it was 75 units (which is pretty bad) this week my plan is to get on with uni, get notes done from my lectures and start collecting data for my dissertation. If I can try and plan one day at a time then hopefully things wont overwhelm me.

    My boyfriend said something really nice to me on Saturday night. Obviously he loves me but he said just recently he was falling in love with me all over again. I am trying to make plans for the future like what I will do after uni so surly that is a good sign that things are getting better so why dont I feel better though.

    So I was thinking... if anyone would like to write my dissertation for me on a psychology thing to do with jury and decision making and give me £6000 to clear my debts that may go a long way to making me feel better. I dont know though as I don't know what is causing these feelings. But hey, if you are kind and rich and intelligent you can email me and I'll give you my address so you can send a cheque. lol.
     
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Obviously I was joking about the money and dissertation thing. x
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    that made me laugh... and i haven't had much to laugh about today..
    dissertation can be a major pain in the ass... but just take it one chapter at at time, one step at a time and you'll be fine.... i didn't have to write anything nearly as long but that's how i got through my grad program! we could have an ebay auction to raise funds for ya! waddya got to sell... LOL

    c.
     
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Not a lot really. I try to laugh at myself everyday even if it is just being stupid about things like that as makes me feel better in some strange way. I have to keep laughing at things otherwise I will go mad.
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i try and keep laughing, too, even in the middle of all this pain. the psych told me "this is no laughing matter" the other day before she booted me out of her office, but what the hell else do i have except my unique view on the world. ...

    keep hanging in there! what is your dissertation on?

    catherine
     
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am doing it on how Juries make decisions in court and what factors may affect their decisions. Is quite interesting really.

    I find the best way to deal with things is by making jokes about it. If I didn;t then I dont know what would happen. I was making jokes the other day when I was seeing psychiatrist and she was quite short with me about it, along the lines of well at least you find it funny. If I didn;t laugh I would cry.

    The past couple of days have been really hard, especially yesterday.I was in bed all day as I have not been sleeping which is making me feel worse about things. I was actually researching online last night about how I would be able to end everything as I was feeling that low again. I didn;t have the energy to go through with anyof it though. I have my ideas it is just getting the resources. At least then it would look accidental and would be quite a puzzle to people how it would have happened.

    But I am trying to hang in there. I am throwing my self in to uni and trying to pursuade my bloke to book a holiday even though it means him having it unpaid leave as the lucky git is already going away for 3 weeks on his own and then for a week with his mates in the summer.
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    cool topic. i've never been in front of a jury... but i was in front of a judge once! LOL
    actually, seriously, i was. and boy has that little crime come back to bite me in the ass.... ah well.... can't do much about it now.

    your "research" method is spoken like a true academic ... and i mean that in a good way... still i hope you are still in gathering info stage and not in the going through with it stage. i did the same thing, and i did attempt, but i wimped out at the last minute. thank goodness. i call it a "half-attempt" but nobody finds that funny, either! sheesh.

    i have loads of support now that i didn't have a month ago when i tried, including a community nurse who calls and asks "did you go outside" "how are you sleeping" "did you eat breakfast" "what are your plans for the day" and all those little things that are making a difference, one millimetre at a time i am feeling better. is there anyone helping you out?

    catherine
     
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I was seen by a psychiatrist at my local hospital and she said need mroe long term care as hospital is only short term. I spoke to my doc about refering me to someone before I actually saw the psychiatrist and he was a bit reluctant to. My counsellor has sent him a letter anyway. So I am going back to see him next week and the pdoc should have written to him by then. If he doesnt do anything I don't know what else to do really. The counselling isnt really doing much for me. It is quite annoying at times as she seems to jump on to the tiniest thing i say about anything and wants to dwell on it as though it is that that is causing me to be the way that I am.

    So I spose I'll find out next week if he wants to so anything.
     
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i hope the psych helps out. but if not... you know what... you deserve help from someone good, maybe another kind of counsellor or social worker or SOMEONE, anyone... really. sorry for yelling!

    :)

    i guess i'm saying i hope the shrink works out but if you don't feel like it's helping, gather up your courage and find someone else. you *can* beat this. you might not want to, some days (those would be the days you spend in your pj's snoozing on the sofa)... but on those other days go ahead and fight for yourself. you're worth it,

    catherine
     
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    You sound like an advert for loreal. lol.
    Had a horrid day today, mainly as i am so tired. Been to chemist and brought pro plus for the day and sleeping pills for night. Going to have some wine tonight and take a couple of pills, hoping they will knock me out for the night. Then when I am groggy in the am i will have more pro plus. Only gotta last 2 more days of it so it doesnt bother me having to do that. I dont like having this many pills in the house. Especially as the sleeping pills were bogof. I think as they are herbal though cant do me anyharm other than making me sleep. I am not saying that i want to as at the moment I feel numb and not that down, it is just on the down days when I feel like ending it all. I still feel that i have no future and it will not take much to push me over edge but today is not the day.
     
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