2 Years later...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by BornAgain, Aug 21, 2012.

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  1. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Two days ago was my second Anniversary since the Old me died and I was Born Again. Here is the original story:


    Not a day goes by without me remembering what I did, not even once has it pass through my mind that I want to do it again, same way as it never passed through my mind before I did it (one day before only).

    I want to make it clear, the reason why I did it was for love of my Children, I was a divorced father with full custody of my children, with no job, no money, no place to live, no food to feed my children and a Family Court Judge forcing me to give money to the EXwife, even though I had full custody due to her abusing physically the Children, no shelter wanted to give me a room, no welfare wanted to help me (according to them, because I was not a woman), the floor we were sleeping in, was going to be denied to us soon, the relatives taking care of my children while looking for work were tired of helping, I thought by me being out of the equation, they could get help through their Mother and would be able to have some food.

    I was completely wrong, it would have devastated them, completely ruin their life, for now, they live with the abusive mother, due to Child Support and the judge not trusting the Suicidal Person (Me - even though I have been analyzed by two different Licensed Psychiatrists, been part of recovery groups, been for two months supervised every second of the day and night at the hospital), anyway, I am the Children's biggest support (by the way, I do get them 30% of the time), as they suffer with their mother, children have reported with the police, with the psychiatrist, and them to Child Protective of California, but they don't protect the Children, they protect the Mothers, therefore, the Children are stuck with their mother until she leaves bruises, blood or something worse (their own words).

    I still owe money from the doctors, old car in really bad shape with lots of repairs needed, living day by day and just had another surgery of my broken/burn leg, as it was getting paralyzed due to one of the pieces of bone almost cutting my sciatica nerve.

    BUT, I am happy and I am whole, nothing bothers me, nothing stresses me, I love life, I have been given another chance, kind of like overtime, I enjoy every second of my life as if it was not supposed to exist, I give so much love to my Children that they can't understand, I enjoy the trees, the raindrops, the ocean, the smells, everything ten times more than before.

    I respect more those in need, those who are hungry, thirsty, naked, without a shelter, in jail, poor in spirit, dirty, weak, sick, mentally ill, I try to care for them, I visit them, talk to them, give them food, gift cards, a handshake, a hug, a smile, a "God Bless you"; The more that I give to them (I'm not talking about money), the more peaceful and fulfilled that I become.

    I just started a new job, it's a great job, the bosses are very nice and I am happy to work there, I am starting to be able to pay off some of my bills, soon I may not owe anyone, people tell me you are doing great, if they know about my Suicide, they tell me "you are becoming successful", what they don't know is that if tomorrow I had no job, no car, no place to live and no money, it would not affect me at all, as I am at peace, I know that all those things don't mean anything, it's just a way to be stressed out all your life, you always want more, bigger, more bedrooms, newer year, nicer color, more than the neighbor... I have learn form other people that you can travel the world, follow your dreams with a backpack and a change of clothes, that you can make others happy without spending a cent and that if you are good, no matter the circumstances, you will always come out fine and with a clear conscience.

    I was hiking and running two weeks ago, bicycling, snorkeling, I just bought a surfboard and may try it this weekend, I am exercising and doing Physical therapy, I go to the Gym in shorts, proud of my Burn Leg (people can't help looking away, but it doesn't bother me at all).

    Anyway, it has affected me forever, but I choose to make it as positive as I can, I am thankful to God for letting me stay in this world and will look forward to doing good to others as much as I can.

    God Bless you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2012
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Thank you for sharing - It is always good to learn from all experience. I hope this finds you better and even more content.

    Take Care

  3. p3cky

    p3cky Account Closed

    hi, i remember when you first posted this in 2010, and im glad to hear your doing well i am atm in the position you were 2 years ago i have just thought in a day fuck it i cant take this anymore and i really want to end my life i have always been suicidal but the thought of going through with anything has just made me too scared but now i have a new outlook i am no longer scared and i feel that for the people who care about me it would be better for them in the long run rather than for them to keep suffering i am no longer scared or fearful of ending my life and about a week ago i decided i am going to do it and why i am sharing this i don't know
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you for sharing with us BornAgain. I am proud of you for how far you have come. Being at peace with yourself is something many of us strive for and never attain. I hope you get the custody issue straightened out for the sake of your children. For now, just love them and help them to create good memories that they can hold on to when things are bad. You are truly an inspiration.
  5. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    NYjmpMaster, thanks, I hope you are happy as well, all the best for you.

    P3cky, thanks for remembering, if you are in that same place, let me tell you what I could have done that I found out afterwards, first thing is not to look for help through the government or social services, for the system is setup to not help men (I love women, it's just that that is the way it's setup), instead, reach out to pastors or priests, they will get you into the system or they will find some fantastic human beings willing to help with work, food, shelter and they will be happy todo it. I was also too proud, now I would let go of the pride and accept help from others, ask for help and beg if necessary, without thinking what others may say, I would reflex on how my children would miss me, who would teach them sports, help with their homework, their first communion, their end of school years, their irthdays, sweet 16, weddings, advice to say no to drugs, be their counselor, be their support.

    I had no hope in me, in other people, in humanity, in this world, I was hopeless and didn't believe in any good happening soon; I found out that believing in God, putting yourself and all your trust in him, gives you hope and makes you hopeful, I am not trying to sell you into religion, but if everything is bad, everyone is not there for you, you don't find anything worth living for, God can replace all these.

    I will pray for you and your family and I wish you the best!

    Hi gentle lady, thanks for your kind words, I stay around here, for I want others to see things can change, I am sure it changes for a lot of us, they just don't come back here to share it, love is what I try to fill my children with, as well as teaching them to love. I am truly blessed for I am not only at peace, but I feel living in a greater place even though I am still in an earthly place, I will pray for you to feel at peace as well.

    God bless you.
  6. p3cky

    p3cky Account Closed

    sorry i wasn't specific i mean't that i'm in the position of how you were feeling about life one day 2 weeks ago i just realized fuck it i'm not scared of death anymore i'm not scared to actually commit suicide yes i may be in pain for a short time but then it will nothing but silence, it makes worth that in the eyes of others i actually have a good life i have a place to stay i don't have a great deal of friends anymore though and it futher makes makes me feel guilty due to i know many many people have it alot harder than i do yet i'm a sook who still wants to die cause of what? i get sad and bring everyone down i recently had a break up and that sort of made me realize that i will never be able to be in a relationship with out it being all fucked up making my partner depressed too everyone i have been with i have made them depressed and even made them have some mental problems for them selves and that hurts me so much and makes me feel so worthless my ex left purely because of my sadness and that she didnt feel she made me happy which she did! she really did but i couldnt help getting sad from time to time and i was getting so much better but now i just don't care i really don't i have planned everything i'm just sick of everything people say god has a purpose for everyone maybe some people's purpose's are to die young
  7. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member


    I am no One to judge you, to tell you what to do or to convince you that things will get better and that God has a mission for you, I committed suicide myself, what right do I have to tell anyone not to do it...

    But, I can tell you that the pain usually doesn't go away, I have physical and psychological pain, I lost the custody of my children, People stay away from me if they know what I did, my leg is been hurting for two years, it's burn, it was almost cut, the pain is there and my pain is nothing compared to others that survived but ended up on a worse condition, on top of that, if you were depressed before the attempt and then survive, you live with no one trusting you and everyone judging you and feeling pity for you, possibly making you feel worse than before attempting.

    Trusting in God and believing in him is believing in good, instead of not believing or been hopeless, trusting him makes me not be scared, sad or depressed, he is my father, my friend that doesn't diss appoint me and is always there for me, he didn't come like a king, he came poor, in a troubled time, he was hated and suffered up to the point of been killed.

    I wish you the best and send you a hug and blessings!
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