20 years of nothing

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by CherryBlossom, Dec 13, 2008.

  1. CherryBlossom

    CherryBlossom Member

    I have never wanted to die more than I do tonight.

    Sitting on the floor cleaning brings back everything. My mother is dead and my father is dying. I can ignore that for years...I can ignore that everyday. But the moments I'm brought back into the reality is heartbreaking for me. The internet...my "relationships"...are all attempts to keep me from those moments. I realize that. I'm aware my mind never rests and I'm always daydreaming because the minute I STOP...is the minute I'm 12 years old again, at my mom's funeral. Until I face this everything I do is in vain.

    G damn, how is it possible to be so scared of dying yet want it so badly? The times when my heart skips a beat then race so hard it vibrates...are the times I've been closest to death. Those times scare me...I'm not ready to die. I'm scared of what my afterlife may be. I'm scared of leaving those I love. I'm scared of not accomplishing whatever it is I'm supposed to. I don't want to die.

    Then, I want to die. I want to die because this cannot be. This "life" is something I can't accept. I don't deserve what's happening to me now. If there is no God and all things are by chance, then dying would preferred. If there is a God/fate exists then I am at a loss. Why am I being put through this? Nobody cares to find out how much I hurt. Nobody, aside from a mother, could ever care. Why am I being stripped of everything? How could the agony I BURY I RUN FROM serve any purpose?

    How am I going to make it when my father dies? I'm not over my mom. How can I do it again? How can I do it alone? I can't. I have to kill myself. But I won't. I'll probably go crazy and end up in an institution. Maybe I won't stop eating and gain 500lbs. and have a heart attack at 30. Maybe I could do the most simple thing...blow my brains out after my father's funeral. Everything would come circle, and all loose ends would be tied.

    I can't stand being awake. The sleeping pills don't work good enough. It hurts mommy.

    I can't take it. So I'll do something monotomous and distract my mind. She's always in my subconscious...she's always destroying me from behind the scenes.

    I hate my parents for being too stupid to realize they were too fucking messed up to have kids. I hate myself for dropping out of college and gaining weight. I HATE THE WORLD. I hate God because he won't let anyone love me. He won't love me.

    I can't take it anymore.
  2. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    To potentially lose both parents at such a young age is extremely difficult, losing your mother at 12 :sad: must have been hell. I feel that my mind could end up being in the same place as yours when my mother passes on. She has been such a central part of my life, its impossible to imagine living without her.

    To be honest I've never found anyone that cares as much as my mother does, I doubt I ever will.

    Your parents might have had you at a time in their lives that was far from ideal, but at some point you have to put that behind you and make the most of it. Im sure if you spoke to your father, he would want you to try and achieve what it is you've been placed on this earth too achieve. It's something that clearly you would like to accomplish.

    Perhaps you should consider another attempt at college. Lots of people fuck it up first time around. Most societies around the world are pushing for people to improve their skills, learn new things, and from a personal point of view it could be very stimulating for you to be in that environment again. Im going to have another crack at it next year. Its been over 10 years since I've ventured into a classroom.

    I hope you find the strength to handle whatever comes your way.