20 years

[VioletDawn]

Dear violet you're nothing but a worthless so and so..
You push people away, then complain when you're alone,
You deserve all the heartache, and gut wrenching pain,
The mother that abandoned you didn't want you again

The father who knew better, didn't see you as his child,
He took what he wanted, leaving you defiled,
The family that you dreamed of where you finally belonged,
Slipped right through your fingers until they were all gone

The pain that engulfs you is just as sharp today,
These 20 years have done nothing to make it go away,
The voice on the inside is telling you to go,
The clock on the wall is ticking oh so slow

Gather your belongings, wrap up your affairs,
It's time to stop treading water and drown in our despair
This shit isn't getting better, we've known it for a while,
Let's stop being a coward and walk the last mile,
Hand in hand , we watch as the sunlight slowly fades,
My inner child lays down to sleep, as the wolves gather at the gate

 

[Road to Nowhere]

I am sorry you had a tough childhood, and are in so much pain. You are not worthless and you deserve to be happy. I hope you can find a way to heal from the past, and find happiness again.

 

[VioletDawn]

It wasn't even in childhood. If it was, I would have been able to access a whole lot of services to help with the fallout. No.. I didn't even get that.

 

[sinking_ship]

You aren't worthless Violet, and you don't deserve all the pain and heartache you've been through. The poem is well written though.

 

[JDot]

You aren't worthless. You deserve happiness.

 

[may71]

Hugs VioletDawn

 

[VioletDawn]

Thank you everyone. It's hard to believe I'm still going through this. I don't know why I'm still here anymore.

 

[Sane Man]

Thank you everyone. It's hard to believe I'm still going through this. I don't know why I'm still here anymore.

So you could share this with us

 

[Sane Man]

That was beautifully written, even if the subject matter was not.

 

[may71]

Thank you

You're welcome

 

[VioletDawn]

I can't keep pretending that I won when I never made it out the other side. I feel like I'm going mad with rage and grief and fear and a billion other emotions all wrapped into one. I want to punch him in the face but the thought of touching him makes me sick. I want to scream at him but even thinking about seeing his face makes my blood boil.

There's no point in pretending it's all in the past. It's wrapped around me, burns inside me, invades every cell of my being. It's the bog I stumble through every day, leaving me so spent. It's been with me so long, I don't remember what life felt like before.

I don't like the person I became. I don't like the person I am now. I don't want the struggle, or the being strong. I don't want to have to pretend to the world that I'm not constantly falling apart. I don't want the pain, or the loss, or the fear, or the guilt.

I've never known an adult life without this pain. I'm 43 now. It's time for me to stop fighting the battle I'll never win. I'm not going to get better.

 

[Lost and alone 1968]

I can't keep pretending that I won when I never made it out the other side. I feel like I'm going mad with rage and grief and fear and a billion other emotions all wrapped into one. I want to punch him in the face but the thought of touching him makes me sick. I want to scream at him but even thinking about seeing his face makes my blood boil.

There's no point in pretending it's all in the past. It's wrapped around me, burns inside me, invades every cell of my being. It's the bog I stumble through every day, leaving me so spent. It's been with me so long, I don't remember what life felt like before.

I don't like the person I became. I don't like the person I am now. I don't want the struggle, or the being strong. I don't want to have to pretend to the world that I'm not constantly falling apart. I don't want the pain, or the loss, or the fear, or the guilt.

I've never known an adult life without this pain. I'm 43 now. It's time for me to stop fighting the battle I'll never win. I'm not going to get better.

Violet
It’s not your fault. What you have to do is forgive yourself first.

I t took me 35 years to realize what was done to me wasn’t my fault. If the person who hurt me would honestly come to me and ask for forgiveness I couldn’t. They made a choice, that’s theirs to deal with. You are stronger than them by getting up and going every day. Every step you have taken since that time is proof that you are strong.
I truly know hard it is to forget (we can’t) but proving to ourselves that we can go on is tuff.
You are loved, strong, and a beautiful person.
Little steps help. You have whole community here to hold you. Rely on that.
Head up chest out walk tall and proud.
s

 

[VioletDawn]

Thank you so much @Lost and alone 1968 . Your kind words really resonate with me. I'm so sorry you had your own awful experience to go through as well. There's not a day I don't look back and ask myself why I didn't fight like I know I could have. Why I went on auto pilot when it happened again. Why I let him take everything from me.

I'm haunted by it all. There were so many things I could have done differently and I didn't do a single one of them. A big part of me still feels that it's all I deserve. That it's all I've ever deserved. Going into auto pilot was the worst part. The part I still can't ever forgive myself for. It proves to me how disgusting I really am. It's why it still breaks me today.

 

[may71]

There were so many things I could have done differently and I didn't do a single one of them. A big part of me still feels that it's all I deserve. That it's all I've ever deserved. Going into auto pilot was the worst part. The part I still can't ever forgive myself for. It proves to me how disgusting I really am. It's why it still breaks me today.

These are common experiences of survivors of abuse. Maybe if you can see the abuse that others suffered was undeserved, and also see how much you have in common, you might be able to forgive yourself.

If you tell others "it wasn't your fault" often enough, and mean it, you may be able to say it to yourself someday.