2010 - The worst year of my life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Iron Pigeon, Nov 13, 2010.

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  1. Iron Pigeon

    Iron Pigeon Member

    First of all i would like to say "Hello!" As i'm a new member here. It's very nice to know there is somewhere where people can help :) Now, you ready for this?

    Right, I've always had suicidal thoughts ever since i was young, the first time i remember was when i was about 8 or 9, since then i've never really been happy with life or who i am. I never enjoyed school right until i left when i was 16 (I've only recently turned 19). When i entered college, things changed and as i came out of a relationship I changed, i started to drink alot more and i started smoking and doing drugs although after 6 weeks or so i was thinking "Y'know what, F**k this". I started to find my feet until about end of feb 09 when my parents split (remember that i've said this). I got knocked off but i kept going, i was happy to a certain extent, i dated a few people and all was well.

    In late August i went out with someone who lives on the Isle of Sheppey (about 30miles away from London, off the coast of Kent) and i was happy, proberly one of the best relationships i've been in until Janurary this year i had a mental breakdown, just under stress and i called for a break, she didn't want that and broke off the relationship. 6 weeks later i went out with someone who i more or less made me see that there was something in me worth seeing, worth being alive and worth loving...this lasted 3 months as i turned paranoid and she had enough. Since then all i've done is fallen. I have no motivation for anything and i became suicidal (again). In August i went to my favourite place up by the river to more or less commit suicide (I know whatcha thinking, why did you pay all that money just to go to London to kill yourself, don't worry i get free travel :p) I overdosed but my attempt failed and after telling a few people they were quite upset (can't see why).

    Then i was ok for a while until recently when the divorce between my parents has become a massive stress on my homelife, with a massive possibilty that i'm moving away from the area before i get to go to university. I just can't take the stress anymore, but the last straw to break the camel's back came recently when a girl i was seeing who said she loved me said that she couldn't wait for me to be confident enough to be in a relationship and has since left me to pretty much be from the guitarist from my band...

    I do need help...but i just want to be dead, i just feel alone and like no-one cares. My own mother doesn't care what happens to me so yeah, shoot me now.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi and Welcome to the Forum. (I feel odd saying that since I'm new here to)
    You have a tremendous amount of stress going on in your life at the moment so it's not surprising that you're suicidal. You need to seperate the area's that are causing you stress.
    First of all, you clearly have a mental health issue. Have you ever received treatment? Do you have a proper diagnosis?
    Secondly, your parents are splitting up. How do you feel about that? Was it a dreadful marriage or did you assume everything was okay so it's come as a shock?
    Thirdly, you're going through a transistion phase in your education. The years between school and Uni can be very difficult. Because of your age and the choices you have to make, this can be stressful all in itself. Have you a clear idea of what you want from Uni? Do you even want to go to Uni?
    Fourthly, relationships with girl friends can be so difficult (and vice versa). At the moment, I don't think you should even consider being in anything other than a light hearted non serious relationship. Go out and have fun instead. You need to be thinking of your health as a priority.
    Fifthly, you don't think your mother cares. She does, shes just going through a seriously bad time herself at the moment and probably can't deal.
    Finally, you're in a band. Bands are notorious for being stressful. All those egos in one room (I've been married to a musician for over 20 years) You can either choose to channel all that creativity or allow the egos to take over.
    Think about each of these areas and get back to us with the answers, then we'll be able to help you some more. xxx
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2010
  3. Iron Pigeon

    Iron Pigeon Member

    "First of all, you clearly have a mental health issue". Lol! Thanks, here i was thinking i was perfectly sane. I don't have a proper diagnosis but i do see my college counsellor.

    How do i feel about my parents splitting up? I wasn't particularly happy with it lol, at first i didn't notice and it sinked in more later on. It wasn't the greatest of marriages, my mum went off with other men and was £60,000 in debt, she pretty much used me before i was born to make sure that my dad was stuck with her. I spotted her on a divorce website about 6 weeks before, i looked over her shoulder when she was on the computer seeing in the tab 'Grounds for Divorce', me being an idiot says "ooh, i like that song" (by Elbow) then she showed me it wasn't what i thought it was, i'd forgotten about that moment until the divorce happened, when my dad woke me up at half 8 in the morning saying that my mum wanted a divorce...i could tell it wasn't going to be a good day.

    I would like to go to Kent Uni to take Sports Management but thats all i know.

    When it comes to girls it's strange, i'm not the best looking or the best at anything, i consider myself to be useless but in my group i've had the most relationships...well out of the boys anyway.

    No really, my mum couldn't give a flying shit about me, i should've mentioned this before but i have a younger brother with mild autism, she has only seen him 3 times in the past 7 months and even then it was to take things out of the house.

    I think the guitarist has the biggest ego, all i do is sing and write songs, i'm quiet and out of the way and doesn't have a drop of self confidence to build an ego.
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I sometimes think that we are sane, it's the world that's mad. You need to get a proper diagnosis so that you can learn about your condition. You'd be amazed at how many people are misdiagnosed. The more you learn about your condition, the more you'll be able to deal with it. Knowledge is power. Plus in the big wide world of employment, you're protected by the DDA. You need to be able to prove your disability (and it is a disability). You'll also get extra help at Uni. I couldn't finish my first degree because I was in crisis. The Uni gave me the degree anyway because I'd done so well up until the end. I wouldn't have got the degree otherwise.

    Stay out of your parent's arguments. If they were stupid enough to get married under those circumstances its not your problem. The divorce may prove to be one of the best things that has happened in your life. You have no control over it anyway so knock it off the list of things to worry about.

    Any particular reason why it has to be Kent? Salford Uni has a Sports Management degree and is a fifteen minute walk from Manchester City Centre. Manchester has a fantastic music scene and you'd really enjoy it. There's loads going on here for musicians. Plus it might do you good to get right away from your parents.

    That's because many girls actually go for personality instead of looks. You obviously have a good personality. Good looking men tend to be vain and successful people can be intimidating. Boys like you are just right.

    Well I don't normally say this but your mother sounds like a right cow. Only you can decide if that's true. If it is, then put as much distance between you as possible. We can choose our friends but not our family etc. You don't need someone like that in your life.

    Yes, it's usually the guitarist, closely followed by the singer to be honest. The bass player feels ignored and the drummers always late. Plus the best jokes are always about the drummer.
    If you're a song writer then you're a creative person and depression is the downside of creativity. There's a lot of research been done on that, you should look into it, it might help you control your illness.
    In the meantime, you should get to the doctor and try an anti depressant or some other form of meds. You may just be suffering from a chemical inbalance in the brain. Meds will sort that out for you.
  5. Iron Pigeon

    Iron Pigeon Member

    Thing is i'm struggling to do my college work now so no uni would proberly take me on.

    My parents don't argue because they don't talk to each other, if anything is normally done it has to be me that does it before it goes to the solicitors, i feel like a weapon not a son.

    Kent Uni is at Chatham (Medway Campus) which is about 50mins from London Victoria, i know people in that area so it would be easier for me to see a friend if i needed comforting but i'll look into Salford, thank you. I have a Salford City Reds shirt, would make it easier to settle in lol.

    I had a good personality, until i turned into a wreck.

    My mum is more than a cow and i would like to avoid her at all costs, but seeing as shes moved back into the area that isn't easy.

    If thats the case then my mate is a born drummer, he's always late lol. And i was offered anti depressants before by my councilor i think but i turned them down, i don't want to rely on medication.
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