2014 Hell of a Year

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DaddyBluto, Nov 2, 2014.

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  1. DaddyBluto

    DaddyBluto New Member

    I am bipolar II, so depression and suicidal thoughts have been my constant companions for years now. My life has become unbearable to me. I only exist to bring in money for my six kids and "wife". I use quotes because our marriage has been a sham for years, but I will get to that. On January 9th a man lost a bunch of money at the casino down the road from where I worked and decided to steal from them and run away. After being chased by their employees, he gave up and sat down in the middle of the 45 MPH road as I was driving home. I did not see him in time and hit him with my car. He died later that night from his injuries. I was investigated briefly and found to be innocent by the state. I have been a religious man for 18 years and this incident shook my faith. I still question my standing with the Lord. My wife was supportive for about a week then went back to ignoring me. I went back to working 70+ hours a week to avoid the pain of life. My wife would usually be too tired for sex or when she would relent to physical contact she would lay there with no enthusiasm. She has scoliosis and got on pain killers and muscle relaxants to help. One night when I got home after midnight having gone into work at 6 am I started trying foreplay with her unaware that she was drugged up. She never fully awakened, but I still had sex with her. A few weeks later she confronted me about that night and was pissed off because she did not consent to sex. This is a form of rape and I encouraged her to press charges if she wanted to do so. Nothing she could have ever done to me would have ever been considered non-consensual by me. She "forgave", but still does not understand how this could have happened. We went back to infrequent, but consensual sex until a few weeks later she would not even allow me to kiss her. I stopped trying for any physical relations at this point about 5 months ago. While all this was going on, our oldest was getting deeper into drugs and alcohol. One night we confiscated his phone and read through his texts only to discover that he was assisting in dealing drugs. I told my wife to "go handle this" as I had gone into a rage. She responded with "what do you want me to do" laden with the same tone that the teenager was giving us. I lost it and went to our son's room to confront him. during the confrontation I ended up punching him with my left hand (I am right handed) which would come back to haunt me later. The day before this incident I blew up about my boss to his boss and said I didn't know if I could work for my boss any more. My boss' boss and I agreed that I would take the weekend to cool off. On Monday I needed more time to deal with the issues with the teenager and was informed that the company's stance was that I quit on Thursday. This would end up being for the best as the stress of work and home would have broken me sooner. My teenager continued to get worse and I discovered that not only had my wife been failing to enforce the rules of the house with him, she conspired with him to deceive me that he was breaking the rules. I gave up on trying to parent with no support from my wife and told her that she can do what she wants and I want no part of it. A few weeks later he was trying to run away and my wife stopped him. He threw a backpack with a gallon of vodka and his bong at her and threatened to slit her throat and our other five kids. He ran off and my wife called the police. He spent a week in juvenile detention and while we were talking to his probation counselor, I was asked if there was any abuse in the house. I admitted to punching him. Nothing happened then, but a few weeks later two detectives came to my house to cite me for assault 4 with domestic violence. This happened right before I started a new job. $4000 for a lawyer and an anger management class made this go away. About the same time as the citing was when my wife stopped having anything to do with me physically, so I started sleeping in my recliner in the family room as I was completely unwanted in the bedroom. She says I am welcome to sleep in the bed, but I will not be merely tolerated. CPS required us to have needed crisis counseling and this turned into just dealing with the marriage issues at the root of our family issues. My wife told me that the only reason she married me was that she was afraid of me and that I was controlling. I told her to leave me then or kick me out. She said no and that she loves me, but she does not show it in any recognizable way. I have no financial means to be able to afford to leave her or I would. I am at the best tolerated in my house and of no good to my family other than a work horse. I exist only to work or hope for a way out or the strength to end my suffering and theirs by ending my life. I have the strength to never hurt any of them again and my wife can't understand that if I try to hurt myself it is because I am to the point where I fear I will hurt her and should remove the threat to her. I have no friends that I feel comfortable venting to since they all are friends with her also and anything I vent would be just my side of the story and I do not want to bad mouth her. I have not had sex in 6 months and have been sleeping in a chair for 5 months. I am in almost constant physical pain in my back and legs from uncontrolled diabetes with nerve pain down my left leg. My wife (who does not work outside the home) does not clean the house at all. In our 5 bedroom house, there are multiple rooms with junk piled 4 to 5 feet high. Unwashed clothes are in a 3 to 4 foot deep pile in the laundry room. The 3 bathrooms make gas station bathrooms look hospital clean. I long for death and cannot find joy in anything these days. My life is not worth saving, but I pray my kids will be OK when I finally am gone. There are other minutiae that I have left out, but even I don't want to waste more effort on me.
     
  2. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    You had a lot that you needed to get off of your chest there. I'm so sorry you have been having such a rough time and going through so much pain.

    Your last line hurts. Any effort given to you is not wasted. You have had an awful time of it, and you admit that you have done things wrong, but the fact that you're willing to admit that and face up to things... that shows you have so much to give. You wouldn't be here, wouldn't be willing to write and talk if you didn't want to reach out. You said that you feel you can't vent to your friends because they know you and your wife, then feel free to come on here and vent. Sometimes half the battle is just getting the emotions out. Bottling doesn't do anyone any good. It just pushes the pain deeper and deeper inside yourself.

    I'm not a relationship counsellor, but what you're going through sounds utterly draining. I wish I had words of wisdom to give there and I wish I could help.

    Just know there are people on here who are willing to listen and who do care.
     
  3. DaddyBluto

    DaddyBluto New Member

    Another great fight with the wife last night. She has her own depression to deal with, but won't make the appointments she says she needs. Her continued mixed signals only drives me further into the void. I am to the point of clarity where the only way to escape my situation is death. I don't even care if the kids are who finds me. My wife is correct that I am too hard to care for. I have no friends that I believe would let me stay with them if I leave her. She spends way more than I make, so I have no financial way out. I am too afraid of pain to end things, but I will get there soon. She is toxic to me, but I am chained to this anchor while drowning. I feel guilty for the pain I will cause my kids, but I know they will get over me better than having to live with me around. Thanks Velvetina for trying more than anyone who "loves" me has to be helpful. Good luck to all with your individual struggles.
     
  4. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Dear DaddyBluto, I feel very compassionate toward you. I feel your life resonating within my heart, I am with you, I hope you're still alive, and I hope that there is still some hope within you. I am surprised not more people have responded to your post. I deeply deeply respect the work you're doing and I can tell that you feel like you're in a hopeless situation. I think of you as a very honest and kind soul. I am touched by your story and efforts.

    I have been to a place of utter utter darkness, where all hope was gone and I knew I would live only a few more days to weeks. However, I found a way out, and I am 100% sure you will find a way too. There is always a way. Step by step. I wrote my story on the forum just this evening, somehow it vanished but I belief it needs to be checked by an administrator first before it is published. In the meantime, take a look at these books: "Your Soul's Plan" and "Your Soul's Gift".

    I will burn a candle for you, your family and especially your son. I hope you're still alive and I'll be back.
     
  5. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Allright, I refound my post, its called "Spiritual view on suicide (this is what is helping me through)" and it's posted in the succes stories form.
     
  6. DaddyBluto

    DaddyBluto New Member

    Still alive. I spent some special time with some of my kids this weekend, but it feels more and more like putting affairs in order to say goodbye. I read through your post Jasp. I am glad you are surviving and spiritualism is working for you. Religion only helps me so far. I still feel that my life and soul are not salvageable to the point they were before this year.
     
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    What about spending more time with your kids? Don't they have sports you can watch their games etc

    Keep in mind, Kids wont do well aftermath of suicide they won't "move on" some might get into trouble, get into drugs, use their body cheaply as a subsitute for a loss of a parent. Just stay with the kids for their sake
     
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