Once upon a time I promised myself I'd cut it with the "bitch threads," but meh...I need to rant, rather randomly and incoherently I might add. >.> Anyways. Why does he act the way he does? What did I do to him? He just randomly took my money, left to Arizona, and hasn't been back for three days. Should I expect him to be back? I don't know whether to be happy or sad that he's gone. I mean, the fact that he's gone means the beatings stopped, but...He's family. Right? Does that word still mean anything? Is it "father" or "fuhrer" now? I just don't know what to do. I'm sitting here on his computer browsing photos...found a lot of 'interesting' pictures of his various girlfriends. :lol: I don't know why I expected anything different from him. It's not like he respected mom anyways. No, he never respected anyone. Just himself. As for mom...well, every day that goes by, I just miss her more. They told me it would get better with time...yeah? Bullshit! I can't believe she just left me here. The doctor said she only needed a few more months and she'd be healed. Hey, I understand she was in pain, but did that warrant suicide? Did she realize with what she was leaving me? I know it's ridiculous of me to blame her. I shouldn't be mad at her. But I just can't help it. It was/is selfish of me to have expected her to prolong her agony just for me, but I thought I deserved that much from her. She promised that she'd live to see me graduate from high school, at least. Guess not. She didn't even live to wish me good luck on my first day. I dunno...I'm just rambling again. It just feels - especially remembering her last words - like her suicide was a vindictive act against me. Like a final "it's your fault it's like this." Funny that my grandparents seemed to think so too. "She'd still be alive if you weren't born," they told me. "Murderer!" they added, subsequently. Did I really kill her? If that's the case - no, with out that being the case, I simply wish I'd never been born. I don't want to deal with all the shit that's thrown at me. It's just not fucking fair! Happily, it seems like I won't have to deal with this life for much longer. No, I'm not planning suicide (yet), but my health condition has worsened. I've had a fever that hasn't gone below 100F for about 4.5 weeks now, and I keep losing consciousness at random intervals. My lung capacity has gone down apparently, and my heart condition has worsened! :tongue: The doctors pretty much gave up on it so...yeah...maybe I'll be lucky and natural causes will just dispose of me in the next few weeks. If that happens, I won't have to put up with the shit I'm getting from my college! Yay! They yanked my acceptance for the umpteenth time. "Your age is questionable," they told me again. I don't know what's the issue...I had this all sorted out last semester and here we go again. :dry: This time, though, I took my case directly to the city board. I wonder what good it will do though. Their decision has been pending for around two weeks now...So, even if I do get the admissions sorted out, there's almost no way I'm actually going to get into any of the classes I want... Not that I'm getting any support from my friends on this. Maybe it's stupid of me to expect anything from them...eh, no 'maybes'. It simply is. Still, it hurts that they're just sitting there saying "I hope you don't get in so you'll be back next year.." I know they don't want me back. haha. They just want the endless, free source of homework answers that happens to come along WITH me. And, on occasion, the bit of money that comes along. =/ What are friends, anyways? Just random acquaintances that you feel somewhat 'closer' cause you tell them things that allow them to totally trample you? Random people that you let exploit you? Meh, it always seems like I'm there for them, yet it's hard for them to spend five minutes on an instant messaging program to listen to me rant a bit. It doesn't even happen all that often. I guess I just don't merit that much any more. Meh. I'll shut up now. Not right to be taking up valuable space on forums...so just ignore this. ._.