21 pregnant and boyfriend wants abortion

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kiasuten, Nov 11, 2010.

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  1. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    21 pregnant, boyfriends wants abortion, i just want to die.

    This is the first time I've been here in a while. I've been on antidepressants for almost 4 years now and stopped over the summer because I ran out and couldn't get ahold of my psychiatrist. I thought I was doing well without them so I just stayed off of them... I hate relying on meds to get through the day.

    I just found out I am pregnant on Friday. My boyfriend and I have been arguing nonstop about abortion and keeping the baby. My one friend wants me to keep it and is concerned about the psychological effects of abortion, but my boyfriend doesn't want the baby and wants me to have an abortion.

    I don't know what to do. If I kill myself now, I don't have to deal with making the decision and my boyfriend and my friend won't be disappointed. And I won't have to deal with a baby by myself or with the father who will resent the baby and me for having him or her.

    I really need some support.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2010
  2. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    you NEED to do what YOU want...

    in april, my best friend was in the same situation (she was also 21), but had the abortion...she wanted to, but she was raised christian and felt awful about it...

    she's normally a VERY HAPPY person (she lives in this other world, and it's wonderful, and i wish i could join her there)...for the entire month of april, she just cried EVERYDAY, and she WANTED the abortion...but she's doing much much better now...almost back to normal, possibly?

    seeing that you have a history of depression, i assume it will be MUCH more difficult for you to deal with this than it was for my friend...

    you need to take care of yourself more than anybody else...do what is best for you...if you have the abortion, you're going to need some serious SERIOUS support...immediately after my friend's abortion, she was a wreck...and i LITERALLY DID NOT LEAVE HER SIDE FOR TWO WEEKS...(i skipped a LOT of school and paid for it with my grades)...that's what she needed...it took awhile b4 she could do normal things again...and even then, it took awhile b4 she could enjoy them...

    if you decide to keep the baby, you're going to need some support throughout the pregnancy and while raising the child...

    it should be YOUR decision...and YOUR decision should be what is best for YOU...do NOT think about other people in this situation...your boyfriend will NOT be dealing with what you are...your boyfriend will not and CANNOT possibly understand this decision...for him, it's easy...

    if you're close to your family, talk to them...you're gonna need support...

    PM me if you want...i just joined this forum, so idk if i even know how to use that, but i'll figure it out...
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    can you go to planned parenthood and get some counselling. they can help you make the decision that is right for you. you have some time to make a decision, don't feel rushed into anything.

    can you also call your psychiatrist again and ask to see him/her on an emergency basis. if you are feeling suicidal again this counts as an emergency. maybe you need to go back on the anti-depressants. how was your mood when you were on them? i get what you are saying about resenting being dependent on a pill, i take medication for bipolar and it really sucks when they tell me i have to be on them for life.

    welcome back.
  4. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    My family is a mess. They can only make things worse for me.

    My boyfriend said he's willing to support me however I feel after the abortion but I doubt he understands the extent to which my problems could really make his life difficult. And I'm terrified that he's going to get annoyed with my reaction to the abortion and just leave me... and the abortion will have been for nothing because he left me anyway.

    I can't make this decision by myself but I don't want him pushing me one way or the other. Right nowI'm so dependent on others for my house and rides and other crap that I know I can't live on my own. I can't support a child by myself and if I can't get the abortion and I won't give the baby up for adoption then I can't livewith myself.
  5. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    I have an appt. tomorrow for my hospital's version of planned parenthood. my boyfriend is going with me but he's being really selfish and manipulative... when i'm leaning toward abortion, he hugs me and comforts me, but when i'm leaning toward having the baby, he's belligerent and angry and he pouts like a child.

    my mood was okay but every year i had to get them increased by 10mg because i was developing a tolerance. i can't be on them while i'm pregnant.

    my boyfriend didn't want kids but he was okay having sex without a condom even though i told him i wasn't keeping up with my birth control. i want to blame him for everything but i know it's half my fault.
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I can certainly understand where youre coming from. I was adopted at 10wks old, given up at birth. I always swore to myself when I had kids I wasnt going to do the same to them. Abortion was not an option for me either. My personal belief is it's no mistake theyre here. Timing may not be ideal, but still not a mistake. At 22 I had my girl (unplanned, or as I like to say arrived earlier than expected). I kept her. At 24 I had my son (planned). Kept him also. Then at 35 and a single mom found myself pregnant again, unexpectedly. Reality was I struggle to take care of the 2 I have, and the birth father wanted nothing to do with the baby. I couldnt bring myself to abort. I didnt want to put the baby up for adoption never knowing if he/she would be ok. I was a train wreck to put it mildly. Cant remember what led me to the phone book or what I was specifically searching for, but I came across open adoption agencies. Open adoption was doable, and what I did. I see him regularly, and hes doing great. Hes 5 now too.
  7. AloneButNot

    AloneButNot Member

    Do NOT make your decision based on whether he will leave you. If he would leave you over this decision, or your reaction to it, then he is not worth it!
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with alonebutnot....and try not to let him manipulate you....you have to do what is right for you .
    this is your decision ....
    also agree you should see your psychiatrist asap ...
  9. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    This is not a man you can depend on. He's manipulating you at a time that he should be giving you full support and all of his love. If he can't do that now, then he's never going to do it and you don't need a man like that in your life.
    You have to make this decision on your own and it has to be what you want to do.
    I don't know where you live so I don't know what sort of support (if any) you'd get from the state.
    I got pregnant at 16 and my boyfriend told me that I had to choose between him and the baby. I chose the baby. That was 30 years ago and I've never regretted that decision. However, if abortion is the right decision for you, then you should go ahead but make sure that you have the support you need afterwards. Some women do regret them, other women are just relieved because they couldn't have handled looking after a baby due to the circumstances they were in.
    Whatever you decide to do, you should definitely ditch the boyfriend. (Well, in my opinion at least) Sending hugs, be strong. x
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do what you feel is best for you You take time all time that is permittable and think what it is that is best for YOU and you alone. Their is another option the baby if you chose to keep it can be given up of open adoption. This is where you allowed some connection through the adoptive parents
    I am glad you are getting some help thru the hospital and i hope whatever YOU decide You can be at peace with that decision.
  11. ali-wali

    ali-wali Well-Known Member

    Hey, so sorry your in such a bad place right now. I'm 18 and had an abortion 3 years ago.
    I wanted the baby, but I managed to be pushed toward an abortion by my mum. Ever since that day I've had depression. This is not because 'abortion is bad' this is because it wasn't what I WANTED. It is sooo important for you to do what is right for you, nobody else. If I could turn back time I would, and not a day goes by that I don't cry over it. I hope things work out for you
  12. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    Thanks, everyone. I just needed to hear something from people outside the issue so I can stop beating myself up.

    This is what I'm afraid of. I've been doing relatively well since my dr. put me on meds-- I actually remember the last four years as something relatively decent and not a 6 year clump of crying days, sleepless crying nights, and arguing with everyone in between. I'm terrified that if I choose to have an abortion and it wasn't at least mostly my choice, I will fall back into that depression worse than before.

    I am not pleased to be pregnant right now-- it's not the right time, and we haven't even started being financially stable (he's secured a relatively decent job that starts in July)-- but I don't like the alternatives to keeping the baby.

    We live in a terrible neighborhood, and my boyfriend wanted to save money to move his mom and sister out (there is a neighborhood brawl going on as I write this... the first one in the 2 years I've lived in this area), as well as the two of us, but that won't be possible if we keep the baby.

    I don't want him to resent the child. He needs to put a smile on and accept the consequences of our actions- even if he doesn't get what he wants.

    The first ob/gyn appointment is today. I'm tempted to just get the abortion pill before I lose the nerve to do so. The longer I wait, I'm afraid the less I'll be willing to get an abortion via medicine and not the procedure. And I want that option to remain open for a while.
  13. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    as already said, you need to do whats best for you

    if you dont think you can raise the baby, but dont want an abortion what about adoption? i know this is also a difficult thing to do, but if ending a potential life is out of the question, it is another option.

    eitther way, weigh the pros and cons of each and do what is best for you

    good luck
  14. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Good luck with the appointment. I hope that they'll be able to give you some good advice.
    I don't want you to feel bad if you do go ahead with the abortion. Sometimes the time just isn't right.
    Some religions believe that if you lose a baby through either abortion or miscarriage then 'the spirit' (or soul) of the baby understands that its not the right time and comes back to you when it is the right time.
    The thought of this gave me a lot of comfort when I lost two babies through miscarriage and I know that it has comforted a lot of my friends who had to choose abortion due to the circumstances of their lives at the time.
    Sending lots of hugs x
  15. ali-wali

    ali-wali Well-Known Member

    :( I can totally understand most of what your saying, about not knowing what to do for you, and then on top of that people's opinions. I had the procedure, and I hated it, mainly because they wouldn't let my mum in! I don't actually remember any of it apart from begging for my mum just before. And then waking up in a reallllly comfy chair and having a hot chocolate and biscuits. I'm a very pro choice person, and believe having the option there is so important to people. Someone else suggested adoption? Would you consider this option? And sorry about your neighbourhood, would it be possible to move house? Have you got any emotional support, My best friend really was amazing when I was pregnant, she never once judged me... wereas others sent me horrible messages, my 'best friend' told everybody about my abortion at school! I hope your family and friends are there for you, it's so important! And yeah constant crying isn't too much fun, and neither is guilt. Let me know what happens and I'll try and help you as much as I can! I'm not too good at this whole advice thing though! xxxxx
  16. ali-wali

    ali-wali Well-Known Member

    I also believe this catherine! I named him Daniel, and know when he comes back to me I'll be ready.
  17. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    That's gotta be the weirdest... and most comforting thing to hear about a miscarriage or abortion. I wonder what religions believe this?

    I skipped work today (again... man, I'm probably in so much trouble) because I couldn't face my coworkers. I feel like everything is written on my face. And I just break down crying out of nowhere... I couldn't risk that at work.

    And I just kicked my mom out of my house because she's crazy and was starting arguments with me. This week could not get worse. :-/

    I'm just going to ask as many questions as I can at the doctors today and try to take some time (but not too much time, or I'll have another low point like last night) to make my decision.
  18. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi, Kiatsuten, I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now. Your boyfriend does not seem like a very supportive and kind person at all. He really seems as though he is trying to manipulate you.

    If you go thorough an abortion right now, your depression will probably return with a vengeance. You will know inside that your boyfriend does not love you unconditionally, which will lead to you resenting him, and eventually leaving him anyway.

    I don't know if you are here in the United States, but if you are, you can get help for a pregnancy if you can't afford it, even money for housing and support for the expenses that pregnancy incurs, if you fall beneath a certain income, so you don't need a boyfriend. Find a legitimate organization also to support you through this pregnancy, you really don't need you boyfriend. You have options, my friend.

    Personally, I believe that you are carrying life within you, and if it wasn't alive it won't grow. So I am hoping that you will keep the baby.

    You have the power to let nature take it's course, and bring life into the world with all its wonderful possibilities, or to end a life.

    I am not saying it's going to be easy, or that you will not suffer a lot right now, but having a child can give you a sense of purpose, and a strength that you didn't know you have. It can open a world of kindness from strangers and caring people you have not known before, and it can also open doors to government assistance that you probably would not have been qualified for before.

    Best, wishes, my friend. You will be in my prayers.
  19. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    More than you'd realise. Many religions believe in reincarnation for example so would have this belief. Other religions believe that the 'Divine' (in what ever form) is so full of love and tolerance that It will always 'even the scales' and the souls that are supposed to be with you, will be with you.
    It is comforting and in my case I did have two more children following my miscarriages. They came at the 'right time' and, along with my eldest child, are my joy.
    Sometimes we have to make harsh decisions. Decisions that no one should have to make. It takes incredible strength to make a decision like this, but whatever you decide to do, please don't allow guilt or depression to follow. There's room for neither in cases like this. Sending hugs x
  20. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like an abortion would really fuck you over, no offence intended at all, because I know an abortion would do exactly the same to me.

    Personally, I think adoption or keeping the baby would be the two least likely in you getting really badly depressed. Fuck your boyfriend, he sounds like a scumbag, really. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Do what is right for you, what will make you happiest in the long run. Protect yourself.

    Hope you make the right choice and everything works out for you x
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