22 and depressed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cantthinkofanickname, Oct 5, 2009.

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  1. I'm 22 years old, and I've been depressed for years, since I was about 15. I've had suicidal thoughts since 17, starting when I was in love with someone online who made me feel really bad about myself most of the time. I felt like I kept letting her down, and I remember feeling this complete hollow emptiness. The house was just completely silent except for my breathing, and I still remember how it felt to contemplate suicide for the first time.

    I'm 22 and I've never had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, or any kind of relationship with somebody. I've come close online, and I've had several awkward experiences in person with people I don't really know that well. Even though I'm in my twenties I feel like I'm still 15 at heart, because all my interests are there and I'm still pretty dependent on my mother. I haven't lived alone or had many jobs, just a few every now and then while I go to school. I've hid my depression as best as I could because I dont want to hurt my family and I think talking about it would be very embarassing.

    A year or so ago I became really suicidal and talked about it to a friend of mine who I also met on the internet. I don't have any friends in real life. I had been researching methods of doing it, and I would tell her that I'm just finding it harder and harder to keep going when I felt like my life was useless.

    She told me she wanted to send me a book that helps with depression, so I gave her my address. She called the police instead and they showed up at my house about 30 minutes later. I was alone at the time and it was the most embarassing thing I ever had to go through, because my parents came home a short while after while the cops were still there and I had to explain it to them in tears. I had to wait for some counsellors to arrive at the house, and then I had to start going to therapy.

    I didnt like the feeling of being poked and prodded and asked questions about something I consider private, so I nodded and told her what I thought she wanted to hear, and after two or three sessions she figured I was not depressed, but just needed to make some friends to feel better. I still dont have friends, it's very difficult for me to interact with other people in real life because I'm not used to it. I'm used to being isolated and I do not enjoy talking with people or meeting with people, or having to leave the house for it. It makes me very uncomfortable. I dont know what to say or what I'm expected to say, and I end up wishing I could get home soon as possible. I don't smoke or drink or do any kind of drugs. I have no interest in it. I'm vegan so my diet is also different from people. Usually people on the internet who try to be my friends have nothing in common with me because they want to go out and drink, or they enjoy drugs, or they eat meat, or something.

    I feel like there is no one in the world who is like me, who could ever be any kind of close friend. I confide in strangers on the internet because I barely know people and it's easier, because once I get to know them, I really wish I hadn't.

    Another thing is that I dropped out of university at the time to deal with my problems, but I'm back at university now.

    I still feel very suicidal and depressed and I dont know what is best to do about it. I was doing well until I had some problems with one of my family members, and now I don't talk to them anymore, which further isolates me. I was the problem and because my mother is on my side, she is isolated from them as well. I had a falling out with my father as well, some argument that never got resolved, his hate for my mother and the problems he caused. I live with my step-father and mother now.

    What I've been working up to saying is that I found out that my mother is dying. She has at most a year or two to live. No one cares about me except her and my step-father, I have no other family now. I have no friends, and I have nothing to contribute to the world. I'm just a waste of space, a complete loser with nothing to offer anyone.

    I'm wondering if it would be alright to kill myself once she passes on, since no one will care anyway.

    It's been on my mind enough that I got up in the middle of the night (its 1am now) to write about it.

    thanks for taking the time to read this.
  2. carl1124

    carl1124 New Member

    No it would not be okay to kill your self. You are only 22. You need to find a way to make some friends. Go to a JC College, or find a support group.
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Your best gift to your mother's heart is for her to know you are going to be ok. I go to therapy, I tell my doctor the truth, and I take my meds.

    When I was 22 (30 years ago), I did not have friends because I was so shy. The shyness has lessened but I'm still a person that does not like to be around many people.

    I do best when I go somewhere for a purpose where people take turns talking. A local depression support group is good to do.

    This will take time, but we're here to walk with each other. :hug:
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm an isolationist also.. I stay locked away from the world in my bedroom.. I only come out for appointments and for necessities.. I don't think your worthless..Maybe right now you have lost site of yourself but you can learn to cope by seeing a good therapist.. You have to be honest with them or they can't help you..Your still young and have a full life ahead of you.. I think once you graduate from university it will help your self esteem.. It is something you can be proud of..If you don't want to see a therapist then Chargette's idea of joining a group can be helpfull also.. You don't have to say anything if you don't feel like it..You will be surprised how many of us Isolate..I have been in therapy for four years now.. It has helped some but I still isolate.. My therapist says there is nothing wrong with that if it is what makes you happy..Please seek some help!! You will find the members here are very supportive.. Take care..
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    It sounds like learning about your mother's situation is what's finally knocked you over the edge. Never mind how bad all the rest is (as it is!) this thing is a biggie, don't underestimate it (you probably aren't but I'm just saying that of all the things getting to you, that one really needs dealing with).

    Whatever you decide afterwards, for now you want to make the most of the time you have with her - and that means talking to her about how you feel. She cares about you, she wouldn't want you to have to pretend to feel ok when you don't - and maybe she would be able to tell you how she feels about it all, her fears and pain too. You have so much you can offer her.

    And keep talking to us too, about all of it.

  6. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey there my friend. First and foremost, no. It's never ok to kill yourself, always remember that. We are meant to live, it is our nature as humans to survive in the harshest conditions. Never forget that, no matter how desperate and suicidal you feel, no matter if you actually attempt it (and I hope not), always know it's the wrong choice.

    It seems you really enjoy talking to people online, well that is a double-edged sword in some regards. The internet is a great way to meet new people, but you should always strive to get to know people outside the internet, that's where it all matters. Where are you from? This users here arrange for some meetings from time to time, you should really check the meetings section of the forums and see if there's one going down near you. Other than that, try to chat online with people who have the same interests as you, and once you have some certain that they can be trusted, try to arrange a meeting (take security measures like meeting in a public place, etc.).

    And don't let people bring you down, expecially on the internet. If someone tries to bring you down, just ignore that person. Someone like that isn't worth your attention and care.

    I'd go back to theraphy and this time be honest. The fact that your mother is dying is surely bringing you down, and I'm sure you could use some professional help.

    Take care my friend, we'll be here for you always :)
  7. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    Dude your not alone. Im 21 and the only living family member ive got is my mum. Once she dies ive got no one.
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Things are bad for you, and suicide may be an option. But the point is that it's not the only option, and it may not be the best one for the time being.

    I'm sorry you're expected to lose your mother soon. That will be very painful and it will get worse as time goes on. Your time with her is limited, and you will have to decide how to spend it. But there's a life you have independent of your mother after the fact, and it may be beneficial for you to pursue it instead of just being overwhelmed with grief. Join a club at your school with something you're remotely interested in and get involved. It'll take a significant effort to initiate it, but you don't have to commit to it. If nothing else, it'll pass the time so you don't feel like killing yourself constantly throughout the day.

    I'm 22 and in school as well, and I've been considering if suicide is the best option for me, too. For the moment, I'm waiting it out because I have no crisis at the moment. I could kill myself, but it doesn't have to be right now. I distract myself with school stuff, and while it doesn't ease the pain completely, it helps.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2009
  9. i wish that it was easier for me to talk with people, but i find myself really anxious and nervous around them. It's like having to go into disguise to walk among people. I have trouble trusting people, and ever since the police came that time, I have a paranoid fear that whenever the doorbell goes off or theres a knock at the door that they are back.

    I have a fear that I'm on the edge of either ruining a long life or just ending it quick. Like you said, you dont have a crisis right now so it isn't something you want to do right away. But all the same, I still feel like it's a certainty.

    I really don't know if I can go back to therapy. It was very embarassing, especially with people finding out. I also don't want to be put on drugs.

    I dont feel like I will ever be part of the real world, just someone who pretends to be human. In just about everything I've seen people need other people, they have to be around each other all the time. I dont know....should I want that too? Are people the answer to my loneliness and my problems? Or are people the cause? I'm sorry if I'm not making sense here. I just think sometimes I would be better off alone someplace.

    I dont talk to people unless I have to. I remember getting a mic with my xbox one time, and thinking it would be nice to have so I could talk to people as I play. But I never use it. If no one is talking, I wont. If people are there who talk, I pretend I dont have a mic. I dont say anything. In real life it's the same way. I talk around my family because they expect it, but there were many days a few summers ago where my parents worked and we only saw each other maybe an hour a day, and the rest of the time i would be silent.

    Sometimes I find that when I'm alone I just talk to myself a lot. I refer to myself as we, and I just talk as though theres somebody there inside my mind, and we sort out our problems together.

    I want to escape and get away from my problems and from my life. I wish I had money and power and could do the things I wanted. I wish I wasn't so alone.
  10. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    We're in the same boat, so I know just how you feel. People are so hard to talk to, but it's easier to talk to my online friends. I don't any real friends in real life, either. I'm a very shy person, and it's hard to talk to people around me. I get bad vibes a lot, so it's really tough to make friends in real life.
    Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
  11. 12years

    12years Well-Known Member

    You're considering suicide. Do you really have anything to lose even if they find out and if you're put on drugs?
  12. i dont want to make my life more painful than it already is. suicide will get rid of my pain, but i dont want to hurt people who might care about me. they are the only reason i'm alive at the moment.
  13. 12years

    12years Well-Known Member

    I think everyone has an embarrassing problem that they don't want other people to know about, and the sooner they try to fix it the better off they will be. At 22 you're probably too old not to know how to have any friends and not to know how to socialize with others--which I gather is the root of your problems--but it's not too late to do something about it.
  14. kokoro

    kokoro New Member

    It might seem weird, but so many of the things you said in your first post were really touching to me. So many of the things you said felt so similar to what things have been like for me I couldn't believe it.

    I won't tell you what's right or wrong. Right now I just try to look for what I want, that's the most important thing to me in the whole world -- so I try to keep it with me all the time. Even when it's dumb. Even when it's impossible. Even when it's that I want to be 15 again because I feel like that's where I am in life.

    I don't know what you want, but when I hear people talk about the things they want it always makes me feel better.

    I lost my grandma not that long ago, who was like a 2nd mom to me. She was there more than my dad ever was.

    But right now, your mom is still alive right? That might not be much of a point to make, but it can be like once you hear someone say I'm going to die, then you already start feeling like they're dead and it hasn't even happened yet -- assuming that it even goes the way the doctors say it will.
  15. mom still has a year or two left...and so far she's still up and about like normal. i dont want her to go. i've been talking to someone from the boards and they have been helping me, too.
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