I'm 22 years old, and I've been depressed for years, since I was about 15. I've had suicidal thoughts since 17, starting when I was in love with someone online who made me feel really bad about myself most of the time. I felt like I kept letting her down, and I remember feeling this complete hollow emptiness. The house was just completely silent except for my breathing, and I still remember how it felt to contemplate suicide for the first time. I'm 22 and I've never had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, or any kind of relationship with somebody. I've come close online, and I've had several awkward experiences in person with people I don't really know that well. Even though I'm in my twenties I feel like I'm still 15 at heart, because all my interests are there and I'm still pretty dependent on my mother. I haven't lived alone or had many jobs, just a few every now and then while I go to school. I've hid my depression as best as I could because I dont want to hurt my family and I think talking about it would be very embarassing. A year or so ago I became really suicidal and talked about it to a friend of mine who I also met on the internet. I don't have any friends in real life. I had been researching methods of doing it, and I would tell her that I'm just finding it harder and harder to keep going when I felt like my life was useless. She told me she wanted to send me a book that helps with depression, so I gave her my address. She called the police instead and they showed up at my house about 30 minutes later. I was alone at the time and it was the most embarassing thing I ever had to go through, because my parents came home a short while after while the cops were still there and I had to explain it to them in tears. I had to wait for some counsellors to arrive at the house, and then I had to start going to therapy. I didnt like the feeling of being poked and prodded and asked questions about something I consider private, so I nodded and told her what I thought she wanted to hear, and after two or three sessions she figured I was not depressed, but just needed to make some friends to feel better. I still dont have friends, it's very difficult for me to interact with other people in real life because I'm not used to it. I'm used to being isolated and I do not enjoy talking with people or meeting with people, or having to leave the house for it. It makes me very uncomfortable. I dont know what to say or what I'm expected to say, and I end up wishing I could get home soon as possible. I don't smoke or drink or do any kind of drugs. I have no interest in it. I'm vegan so my diet is also different from people. Usually people on the internet who try to be my friends have nothing in common with me because they want to go out and drink, or they enjoy drugs, or they eat meat, or something. I feel like there is no one in the world who is like me, who could ever be any kind of close friend. I confide in strangers on the internet because I barely know people and it's easier, because once I get to know them, I really wish I hadn't. Another thing is that I dropped out of university at the time to deal with my problems, but I'm back at university now. I still feel very suicidal and depressed and I dont know what is best to do about it. I was doing well until I had some problems with one of my family members, and now I don't talk to them anymore, which further isolates me. I was the problem and because my mother is on my side, she is isolated from them as well. I had a falling out with my father as well, some argument that never got resolved, his hate for my mother and the problems he caused. I live with my step-father and mother now. What I've been working up to saying is that I found out that my mother is dying. She has at most a year or two to live. No one cares about me except her and my step-father, I have no other family now. I have no friends, and I have nothing to contribute to the world. I'm just a waste of space, a complete loser with nothing to offer anyone. I'm wondering if it would be alright to kill myself once she passes on, since no one will care anyway. It's been on my mind enough that I got up in the middle of the night (its 1am now) to write about it. thanks for taking the time to read this.