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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Luliby, Sep 1, 2007.

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  1. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

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    I want to reach out and I want to withdraw at the same time. I want to hope and I despise hope as the world's worst and most cruel joke. I want to try, yet have no energy or will to try. Does that make me a quitter?

    My Dr.'s accuse me of "not trying". Even now, there are things I can do to improve my mood.. go for a walk, get out of the apartment for coffee, call a friend. I could hold an ice cube, watch a movie, do a word puzzle. I'm plagued by I could and I should.

    I'm just going to go to bed because that's all I can manage. And tomorrow I will regret waking up. I will yet again WISH that I had killed myself 3 weeks ago.. so very close. I will feel guilty for hurting the way I am because it's hurting my family and others.

    Why do I keep struggling and prolonging this? If there was help I should have reached it by now. I think sometimes we as individuals get broken by life. And even though we survive it, we never really heal. And that wound is like a poison that takes us so slowly and so painfully. I'm sorry.
     
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hey hun, am so sorry you have to suffer, just because you are of those where hope never dies inside, some would call that a testament to the human spirit and I'm sure that should your hope find freedom you will look back and wonder where it all came from. I'm sure you will reach that point, just as certain as you have hope left inside you because you are a wonderful being and one I love greatly as a friend.
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are reaching out Luliby, whether it is just with one small piece of you or not. That part of you still holds the hope that things will turn around for you someday. Perhaps it is true that you could do more to make yourself feel better as the doctor says, but that is not always something we can do. You are in no way a quitter. You are a fighter and a survivor. You have demonstrated this over and over in the year and a half I have known you. You have always been an inspiration to me. Someone I could look up to and know that they will not simply give up. It is a priviledge to be able to call you friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya hun. :hug:
     
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