... I want to reach out and I want to withdraw at the same time. I want to hope and I despise hope as the world's worst and most cruel joke. I want to try, yet have no energy or will to try. Does that make me a quitter? My Dr.'s accuse me of "not trying". Even now, there are things I can do to improve my mood.. go for a walk, get out of the apartment for coffee, call a friend. I could hold an ice cube, watch a movie, do a word puzzle. I'm plagued by I could and I should. I'm just going to go to bed because that's all I can manage. And tomorrow I will regret waking up. I will yet again WISH that I had killed myself 3 weeks ago.. so very close. I will feel guilty for hurting the way I am because it's hurting my family and others. Why do I keep struggling and prolonging this? If there was help I should have reached it by now. I think sometimes we as individuals get broken by life. And even though we survive it, we never really heal. And that wound is like a poison that takes us so slowly and so painfully. I'm sorry.