Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by D.A.R, Oct 1, 2007.

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  1. D.A.R

    D.A.R New Member

    I'm not exactly sure why I feel like posting this - If I was truly suicidal I'd do it rather than stop for a quick chat beforehand and getting attention online does fuck all. It's as pointless as everything in my life.

    At 19 years old I've managed to achieve nothing. Never had 1 friend (let alone a girlfriend) and I have no near to no education after dropping out of school when I was 13. As you might guess, I live at home with my mother still, doing nothing and unable to do anything right if I try, spending 95% of time sitting in my bedroom thinking happy thoughts such as these.

    It would be nice if I could blame everything on Asperger's syndrome, but that would be me just trying to make myself feel better. With or without Asperger's syndrome, I'm still a loser who's afraid of doing something as simple as talking to someone out of fear of humiliating myself further than I have already in my "life". I should blame my IQ before I start blaming Asperger's syndrome because that's the real problem; being a moron.

    Even though I feel only fear and weakness, I've recently tried to push myself into going to a place called Broadway North to improve my (lack of) writing skills and just get out of the house for a few hours a week. In the end, there's no point - I feel as uncomfortable as humanly possibly around others, girls around my own age group even more so due to my abundance of experience with the other sex, and feel like it's a fucking challenge just to hold a normal conversation. The best part is that my writing ability is still as retarded as when I first started.

    It'd be lovely if I could forgot everything and focus on enjoying games, movies, whatever to forgot about all the other crap but, of course, I have issues with my entire field of vision suffering from a film grain like flickering 24/7 and light 'pulling' away from the source; like rays of light pulling away from the TV picture. Mix that with TV problems and I can't even enjoy what distracted me from my "life" when I was younger...as pathetic as it sounds, games and the like have been my only escape from everything else, so having been stripped of my one distraction over the last few years has made my problems even worse.

    I'm really not sure what I can do. I fuck up every social situation I put myself into because of numerous reasons:

    1: I feel so nervous when I'm put in a social situation, my own age group in particular, that it shows in my actions.
    2: Asperger's makes the natural unnatural - Eye contact, how you hold yourself, tone of voice, you name it.
    3: I limit my smilies to smirks due to how bad my teeth are for my age. I'm struggling enough without having to worry about opening my mouth...
    4: I'm uneducated and a moron - Not great for intelligent conversation.

    It's just impossible for me to get on with anyone. How the hell can I survive if I can't even get beyond talking to people?

    I mentioned Broadway North earlier, which offers various courses (1 day, 2 hours each a week). I tried doing computers as well as English, quitting today due to my memory problems stopping me remembering what to do and resulting in my feeling even more stupid when I have to keep asking questions (probably an excuse) and my lovely one fingered typing (after using a PC for 4 years) slowing me down.

    ...this is seeming even more pointless and pathetic than when I started. Don't see any point continuing this further.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...it seems so difficult to seperate ourselves from our diagnoses sometimes...your writing is rather impressive and you seem to be a very insightful person...maybe you have gifts you have yet to see...just wanted to welcome you and make these observations...J
  3. incognito

    incognito Well-Known Member

    hey DAR, what do you want out of life? got any goals? stick around!:flowers:
  4. Henry-hmm

    Henry-hmm Member

    You seem to be a very articulate individual, and for someone who dropped out of school at age 13 your literary skills are impressive. You have analyzed your own situation and have pointed out all the problems and have attempted to solve them one at a time, you set up distractions for yourself to keep you happy while you focused on one problem at a time, first your education, by attending courses for computers and English, that's a good start, you may not have succeeded the first time but you can always try again, lots of time for you, and if you aren't good at computers or English, maybe there is some talent that you have yet to discover, everyone is good at something. Not a lot of people would be able to do what you are doing right now, trying to bring yourself up off your feet and start a new life. Even harder when you are doing it alone, but you can do it, you are never really alone, you have your parents and the rest of your family, and if you don't, you always have God.

    You know it's never too late to go back to school, my mother is in her 60's and she went back to college. She's now a Certified General Accountant. You are a very insightful person, you have a lot of common sense and leadership qualities, you just have to develop your social skills. Start here, on this forum, by no means should it be embarrassed or degrading, after all we are all people who just want to live a better life, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, rather it is something to be proud of. It takes courage to recognize that something is wrong with our lives that must change, you've recognized that that need for change and you've tried to change but haven't succeeded, but that doesn't mean you have failed. Keep going, keeping changing, one step at a time and next thing you know it you will be farther than you thought you could go.

    My names Henry by the way, I'm almost 18 and live in Ontario, Canada. I live with my mother and father and 24 year old brother. I'm planning to go to University to study computer engineering, but I won't be able to pay for my tuition, so that's something I have to change. I'm going to get a job in the start of 2008 and start saving money. If I don't make enough then I'll just keep saving and in a few years I'll go to University, we are still young my friend, we have a whole life time ahead of us. Games, yea games are great, I use to love games, but I gave those up, you know why? Because they consume your time, that's all they do, they eat away at your life. I've replaced games in my life with meaningful things, things like music and art and literature. You know what I don't even have to go to a class room to do this, I go on the youtube and listen to music, I go to online galleries admire the artwork and look up random things and just start reading, in fact I recently started reading Darwin's Origin of Species, I gotta tell it's one hard book, I practically have to look up every other word, but you know what that's okay because I'm learning something new every other word, definition.com is a great place for looking up definitions by the way. When I'm not in front of my computer, I go for a bike ride or a walk and just enjoy walking down the road, go to the park and just watch the sky, you'd be surprised how peaceful it is.

    There are a lot of ways to entertain yourself and learn something or two at the same time, you just have to find what's right for you, don't be afraid of being embarrassed, it doesn't matter what other people think of you, all that matters is what you think. So what if someone laughs at you for doing something they think is stupid, you took the chance to do something and you should be proud of it, that person who laughed at you, they are just ignorant because they don't understand that life is always changing and that without change you are not living, you just exist. It's your life, no one else's, what you do with it is up to you, don't let other people's judgements discourage you, they don't know you, they judge you without knowing, that's just ignorant. Don't be afraid of people, don't let them bring you down, don't be afraid to keep trying because if you stop trying then you have truly failed. Don't let other's tell you how to live your life, live your own life, make yourself a life.

    Social Forum

    My music and art.
    http://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/pdf/Origin_of_Species.pdf <-- PDF of Origin of Species
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2007
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