I'm not exactly sure why I feel like posting this - If I was truly suicidal I'd do it rather than stop for a quick chat beforehand and getting attention online does fuck all. It's as pointless as everything in my life. At 19 years old I've managed to achieve nothing. Never had 1 friend (let alone a girlfriend) and I have no near to no education after dropping out of school when I was 13. As you might guess, I live at home with my mother still, doing nothing and unable to do anything right if I try, spending 95% of time sitting in my bedroom thinking happy thoughts such as these. It would be nice if I could blame everything on Asperger's syndrome, but that would be me just trying to make myself feel better. With or without Asperger's syndrome, I'm still a loser who's afraid of doing something as simple as talking to someone out of fear of humiliating myself further than I have already in my "life". I should blame my IQ before I start blaming Asperger's syndrome because that's the real problem; being a moron. Even though I feel only fear and weakness, I've recently tried to push myself into going to a place called Broadway North to improve my (lack of) writing skills and just get out of the house for a few hours a week. In the end, there's no point - I feel as uncomfortable as humanly possibly around others, girls around my own age group even more so due to my abundance of experience with the other sex, and feel like it's a fucking challenge just to hold a normal conversation. The best part is that my writing ability is still as retarded as when I first started. It'd be lovely if I could forgot everything and focus on enjoying games, movies, whatever to forgot about all the other crap but, of course, I have issues with my entire field of vision suffering from a film grain like flickering 24/7 and light 'pulling' away from the source; like rays of light pulling away from the TV picture. Mix that with TV problems and I can't even enjoy what distracted me from my "life" when I was younger...as pathetic as it sounds, games and the like have been my only escape from everything else, so having been stripped of my one distraction over the last few years has made my problems even worse. I'm really not sure what I can do. I fuck up every social situation I put myself into because of numerous reasons: 1: I feel so nervous when I'm put in a social situation, my own age group in particular, that it shows in my actions. 2: Asperger's makes the natural unnatural - Eye contact, how you hold yourself, tone of voice, you name it. 3: I limit my smilies to smirks due to how bad my teeth are for my age. I'm struggling enough without having to worry about opening my mouth... 4: I'm uneducated and a moron - Not great for intelligent conversation. It's just impossible for me to get on with anyone. How the hell can I survive if I can't even get beyond talking to people? I mentioned Broadway North earlier, which offers various courses (1 day, 2 hours each a week). I tried doing computers as well as English, quitting today due to my memory problems stopping me remembering what to do and resulting in my feeling even more stupid when I have to keep asking questions (probably an excuse) and my lovely one fingered typing (after using a PC for 4 years) slowing me down. ...this is seeming even more pointless and pathetic than when I started. Don't see any point continuing this further.