Part I By writting this, I am throwing away the last bit of pride I may ever had. However, as most of people here, I am desperate... and I have no where else to go. So... if there is someone out there, please listen... and give me a hand... because I may be in the verge of doing something really stupid... and I don't want to do that... and regret it like the last time... This story is very very long... I have a long amount of things to say... so, if you really want to try to help me, please, have patience and read it all, okay? In the end... if you just readed it fully until the end... that would be more than enough for me... and my heart would thank you 100 times... just for that... You see... this really starts with the beginning of everything for me. My mother was an amazing person. She wasn't excent of flaws, but she was admirable, and many had admired her for her absolute brilliancy as both a scientist, a researcher, and a wisdomfull person. But, perhaps a lot like me, she was an extremely lonely person, and the sittuation at her home was horrible, since my grandma wasn't exactly the best mother in this world. She married very young, just to get out of that house with the person who is my father, who is a very loving and good person, yet extremely simple and dumb. You can tell from here already that things didn't lasted well between these both for long. My mother used to say she prayed everyday for a child to cure her lonelyness, even when she wasn't a christian or religious, for she was diagnosed as infertile by many doctors and many years of relationship passed with my father before she ever got pregnant. Of how she managed to have me is actually a very dark mistery which may easily step on the line of fantasy because many facts about my mother were strange and almost mythical. However, here is not the time or the moment to talk about that, so let's just say I was born after almost dying strangled by my own umbilical cord. My mother used to say she was very happy when I was born but, at the same time, so terribly nervous about me and stressed that she would shortly stop producing breast milk, so I enjoyed that natural kind of nurturing a extremely short period. Of course, I can't remember about that, I just know it because she told me about it many times when remembering old things. My mother's personality was hard to keep with. She was a perfectionist, and was lowly affectionate, even when so creative for many other stuff. However, even when being that way, and so rash when upset, we really had a golden time together for 3 years. You see, she wasn't the kind of mother who would tell you about cinderella or snowhite: I would listen about the grand greek heroes or of how the dinosaurs went extinct before sleeping. She would not put rock or ballads on the loneplayer but John Williams music of movies like StarWars or Indiana Jones, or even things so sublime like E.T., or Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. And, thought my father had to work so hard, and I would not see him much of the day, I still loved him. Oh yes, those were golden times. After 3 years of heaven, my mother got somehow pregnant again. When she got pregnant, I was sent to the Kindergartten. Can you imagine what is that inmediate mix of events for someone so attached to his mother like me? I felt disscarded, obsolete, like an old model of toy or machine. Perhaps it was then when my passion for machines was born, and my identification with them, such I don't know for sure. The thing is my brother was born soon, and my heart was so broken that I fell ill. And it was such a dire illness that it actually became something very very dangerous that almost ends my life. Somehow, I activated a latent asthmatic tendency inherited from my father in the most rash and sudden way. Soon I was forbbiden to eat all candy, or drink coke or even such simple things as mere milk. I was confined to a room, watching TV all day, and the days pass by one after another. Doctors said I would be attached to an inhalator for the rest of my life, but my mother refused to take such as an answer and researching on her own, she deviced some kind of naturistic diet based on very basic food and started feeding me that. Just two years after, my mother would be pregnant again, and then my sister would be born. In such time, I had already started my transformation in the "ghost-of-the-house", and school was starting as well. My first times on school were terribly dire. I could not stand many of the things I had to endure (I entered around 5 years old to it), and my mother had no longer as much patience as she used to have towards me in the beginning, having more children to take care of, not having much help from the part of my unusefull father, and my problematic grandma. Slowly, I grew to understand that in order to suvive in my own home, I had to kill the idea of my mother being my mother, and look up at her as what she was: my mentor, for nothing I did was enough to please her. I was always, a failure and dissapointment, and I could never cope with her past excelency on school. In those years, I happened to meet a neighbouring girl called Alice, who was my only true friend, for she was so smart and brilliant. For first time I had the hope of not being alone. Unfortunatelly, very soon, she would leave the neighborhood to an unknown destiny, leaving me with many things to say. Years passed, and after 11 years of non-stop diet and seclusion from the world, I was healed, truely healed. I did not needed medicines at all, not even for common flues or colds. My health was technically perfect in comparation with the common people. In that time, elementary school was over, and high school followed. My school (in which I coursed my entire school years) was a private boys-only school. Can you imagine how a lonely soul accostumed to watch the flowers grow, or the starry sky during the sleepless night or the sunrises after a night of fever longed for the company of an equally sensible heart? In that time I realized pretty much the difference between me, my brother, and my sister, three complete worlds apart. My brothers, always outgoing, energetic, and always lucky. My sister, always demanding, serious, and cold hearted. In those years, puberty comming on, I simply thrown the towel. I used to have good grades, more because of fear of my mother than anything else. However, times became harder economically, and my mother had to get extra jobs in order to keep things running and going at home, and thus lost a lot of control over me and my brothers. When I was little, I wanted to be a scientist like her, as I grew up, I only realized more and more how much I lacked all the needed talent for that, specially after realizing my absolute nullness for advanced math such as algebra. In those times, my grades lowered terribly: I had no more reason to keep good grades. And, like a bird grown on a cage an left to be free after years of residing on it, I would not come out anymore from it, since there was nothing outside for me anymore. So I started secluding myself on a room used for storing clothes, which would become in time my own room. When school was over, many things had changed. My mother had separated from my father since there was no more need to keep up the facade, and their separativeness was way too evident for everybody, and she had started going out with new strange men. Some were nice, but full of problems. I took on a sabathic long year before starting the academy and preparing for the college. I thought college would be different, and I had many dreams I wanted to make true. In those years, I started to realize I was actually good for 2 things: writing and drawing. My time at the academy was terrible. I remember well those days because it was then when I realized how I was growing more and more lonelier. When my birthday 17 came, nobody, not even my mother would celebrate it. Same happened with xmas, and new year eves. They were no better than another regular day for me. As was expected, of course, due my nullity on algebra, I failed the exam, wasting away the equivalent to 100$, which here at my country is a lot. As well, in that time, I realized one important thing: people feared me. However, the why about it, still scapes me. After I failed the exam, there was no more money for like trying it again, and I was on an undefinedly long vacation at home, a vacation of absolute lonelyness on a room, watching the days pass by one after the other, without anything to way for real. Perhaps was then when I started to wait for that romantic heart again, that idilic girl I used to think in since I was so little. Someone who would like me because of my feelings and for what I was good at, and who would be proud of me because of the person I am. In those days I met the girl who will give me my first kiss, and who would be the doom of our entire family, a girl named Marylin. Marylin was sly, your typical wold on sheep skin. It all started very innocently between she and me. I was happy the first days, but then she publicly shown how embarrased she was of me, like I was a burden or something to her. Such act enraged me beyond words, and I sent a cursing that was famous for a long time in this home. In those times, an schoolmate named Edward used to come to my home. He was the closest thing to a best friend I could ever hope to have. In time, she developed an interest for my sister, and then they started a relationship. As such, he would quickly drift away from me, and comming to see me was nothing than a mere excuse to come and see her, until I was not needed anymore, even for that. I was alone again. And, of course, Marylin would not get happy just being cursed upon: she managed to ensnare my brother to her, and they became a couple. Marylin used this to torture me emotionally in very terrible ways, while my brother was completely indiferent to such. He simply didn't cared about it, like everybody else, who cared of me as much as you care for some tool on the house. When something needed to be fixed, I was the tool to fix it, and it was, by default, MY fault that such thing was broken or out of order, as such, it was my duty to repair it AT ONCE. There was no other reason for people knocking on my door. In that time, things started to take the shape of today, more than 24 hours without listening or seeing another human being. Some years after that, my mother would meet her last lover, a really wonderfull guy named Richard. He was incredible, almost the father I never had. I quickly developed strong feelings for him. And, after some time, my brothers, my mother and I, ended moving with him to a nearby home. For a moment, it felt like things started to go back to the wonderness of the old times, for I got to spend a lot of time with my mother, out of the stress of school or other demand. I ignore if it was Richard kind loving what moved my mother's heart, or if it was the fact that she had simply thrown the towel with me as proyect, but the fact is that there wasn't tension anymore, and we started to rebond, slowly, and with a considerable distance. However, Marylin kept with my brother, and her emotional attacks would be the vinegar on the honey of those times. In the end of those years, I would meet, as well, my personal doom, in the form of a girl named Eliana, a classmate of my sister. She wasn't a girl of looks, and actually didn't had anything special at all, but I was desperate to end my solitude. Economical sittuation started to get ill for us, and we were forced to move away such a wonderfull home, and were forced to live with my grandma. Now those times were very hard, and the beginning of what I call for my life "The End Of The World". Barely 3 months, more or less, with Eliana passed by, when her father would literally RAID my home with the POLICE in absolute surprize for me. Following the most wise, and after scaping from the event harmless thanks to the cunning of my mother, I broke up with her. However, the girl OBSESSED with me, and started stalking me anywhere I would go. So I would go out even less than usual. A new time came to my home when we got, for first time, broadband internet, and I started meeting people through the computer on the late hours of the night, for the rest of the day my mother would use the computer on her research. It was then when I met my FIRST TRUE LOVE, a wonderfull girl named Tracey. I loved her with every fibber of myself, yet we were very apart. We lasted together for 2 very happy almost fightless years. All until I came across a shadow of the past. Like came out of no-where, Alice, the girl from my childhood, was in my home visiting. When I saw her I almost wanted to cry, for she was nothing than a fleeting wraith than her old former self. I started going out with her as friends, finding out the horrors she had been through all the time I wasn't around. I couldn't bare to see her like that, and she was there, needing me, or so I thought. It was then when I commited my first real sin: I chose my happyness over the one of other person. I broke with Tracey telling her that I had now the chance of making someone happy in the real world, after she had promised to come to see me and retracted in the last minute. It was terribly hurtfull to do that, only to satisfy an uncertain fantasy of the past. Alice was caotic, unstable, strange, twisted and dark. You would never really know what was inside her head, and there was not even a hint of the girl I was truely fallen in love, and I didn't wanted to accept it. The true end of things started that year, when she went away on a trip, just when my mother had been diagnosed cancer. In matter of months, my mother, the most strong person in the world for me, was withering away, and, before I knew it, she was being carried away one 27th of July back from the hospital to my home, she convulsing on the bed, and everybody saying "we can do nothing more for her." She died the next day in the most underserving way a woman like she could had ever died but, not without, a day before, giving me her last words for me: "Is not enough...". As I knew, not even in the end, she was truely pleased with me. I had failed to her, in the very end.