24 for years in wait... (Extremely long)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SeemosYantra, Oct 22, 2007.

  1. SeemosYantra

    SeemosYantra Member

    Part I

    By writting this, I am throwing away the last bit of pride I may ever had. However, as most of people here, I am desperate... and I have no where else to go. So... if there is someone out there, please listen... and give me a hand... because I may be in the verge of doing something really stupid... and I don't want to do that... and regret it like the last time...

    This story is very very long... I have a long amount of things to say... so, if you really want to try to help me, please, have patience and read it all, okay? In the end... if you just readed it fully until the end... that would be more than enough for me... and my heart would thank you 100 times... just for that...

    You see... this really starts with the beginning of everything for me. My mother was an amazing person. She wasn't excent of flaws, but she was admirable, and many had admired her for her absolute brilliancy as both a scientist, a researcher, and a wisdomfull person. But, perhaps a lot like me, she was an extremely lonely person, and the sittuation at her home was horrible, since my grandma wasn't exactly the best mother in this world. She married very young, just to get out of that house with the person who is my father, who is a very loving and good person, yet extremely simple and dumb. You can tell from here already that things didn't lasted well between these both for long.

    My mother used to say she prayed everyday for a child to cure her lonelyness, even when she wasn't a christian or religious, for she was diagnosed as infertile by many doctors and many years of relationship passed with my father before she ever got pregnant. Of how she managed to have me is actually a very dark mistery which may easily step on the line of fantasy because many facts about my mother were strange and almost mythical. However, here is not the time or the moment to talk about that, so let's just say I was born after almost dying strangled by my own umbilical cord.

    My mother used to say she was very happy when I was born but, at the same time, so terribly nervous about me and stressed that she would shortly stop producing breast milk, so I enjoyed that natural kind of nurturing a extremely short period. Of course, I can't remember about that, I just know it because she told me about it many times when remembering old things. My mother's personality was hard to keep with. She was a perfectionist, and was lowly affectionate, even when so creative for many other stuff. However, even when being that way, and so rash when upset, we really had a golden time together for 3 years. You see, she wasn't the kind of mother who would tell you about cinderella or snowhite: I would listen about the grand greek heroes or of how the dinosaurs went extinct before sleeping. She would not put rock or ballads on the loneplayer but John Williams music of movies like StarWars or Indiana Jones, or even things so sublime like E.T., or Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. And, thought my father had to work so hard, and I would not see him much of the day, I still loved him. Oh yes, those were golden times.

    After 3 years of heaven, my mother got somehow pregnant again. When she got pregnant, I was sent to the Kindergartten. Can you imagine what is that inmediate mix of events for someone so attached to his mother like me? I felt disscarded, obsolete, like an old model of toy or machine. Perhaps it was then when my passion for machines was born, and my identification with them, such I don't know for sure. The thing is my brother was born soon, and my heart was so broken that I fell ill. And it was such a dire illness that it actually became something very very dangerous that almost ends my life. Somehow, I activated a latent asthmatic tendency inherited from my father in the most rash and sudden way. Soon I was forbbiden to eat all candy, or drink coke or even such simple things as mere milk. I was confined to a room, watching TV all day, and the days pass by one after another.

    Doctors said I would be attached to an inhalator for the rest of my life, but my mother refused to take such as an answer and researching on her own, she deviced some kind of naturistic diet based on very basic food and started feeding me that. Just two years after, my mother would be pregnant again, and then my sister would be born. In such time, I had already started my transformation in the "ghost-of-the-house", and school was starting as well.

    My first times on school were terribly dire. I could not stand many of the things I had to endure (I entered around 5 years old to it), and my mother had no longer as much patience as she used to have towards me in the beginning, having more children to take care of, not having much help from the part of my unusefull father, and my problematic grandma. Slowly, I grew to understand that in order to suvive in my own home, I had to kill the idea of my mother being my mother, and look up at her as what she was: my mentor, for nothing I did was enough to please her. I was always, a failure and dissapointment, and I could never cope with her past excelency on school. In those years, I happened to meet a neighbouring girl called Alice, who was my only true friend, for she was so smart and brilliant. For first time I had the hope of not being alone. Unfortunatelly, very soon, she would leave the neighborhood to an unknown destiny, leaving me with many things to say.

    Years passed, and after 11 years of non-stop diet and seclusion from the world, I was healed, truely healed. I did not needed medicines at all, not even for common flues or colds. My health was technically perfect in comparation with the common people. In that time, elementary school was over, and high school followed. My school (in which I coursed my entire school years) was a private boys-only school. Can you imagine how a lonely soul accostumed to watch the flowers grow, or the starry sky during the sleepless night or the sunrises after a night of fever longed for the company of an equally sensible heart? In that time I realized pretty much the difference between me, my brother, and my sister, three complete worlds apart. My brothers, always outgoing, energetic, and always lucky. My sister, always demanding, serious, and cold hearted.

    In those years, puberty comming on, I simply thrown the towel. I used to have good grades, more because of fear of my mother than anything else. However, times became harder economically, and my mother had to get extra jobs in order to keep things running and going at home, and thus lost a lot of control over me and my brothers. When I was little, I wanted to be a scientist like her, as I grew up, I only realized more and more how much I lacked all the needed talent for that, specially after realizing my absolute nullness for advanced math such as algebra. In those times, my grades lowered terribly: I had no more reason to keep good grades. And, like a bird grown on a cage an left to be free after years of residing on it, I would not come out anymore from it, since there was nothing outside for me anymore. So I started secluding myself on a room used for storing clothes, which would become in time my own room.

    When school was over, many things had changed. My mother had separated from my father since there was no more need to keep up the facade, and their separativeness was way too evident for everybody, and she had started going out with new strange men. Some were nice, but full of problems. I took on a sabathic long year before starting the academy and preparing for the college. I thought college would be different, and I had many dreams I wanted to make true. In those years, I started to realize I was actually good for 2 things: writing and drawing.

    My time at the academy was terrible. I remember well those days because it was then when I realized how I was growing more and more lonelier. When my birthday 17 came, nobody, not even my mother would celebrate it. Same happened with xmas, and new year eves. They were no better than another regular day for me. As was expected, of course, due my nullity on algebra, I failed the exam, wasting away the equivalent to 100$, which here at my country is a lot. As well, in that time, I realized one important thing: people feared me. However, the why about it, still scapes me.

    After I failed the exam, there was no more money for like trying it again, and I was on an undefinedly long vacation at home, a vacation of absolute lonelyness on a room, watching the days pass by one after the other, without anything to way for real. Perhaps was then when I started to wait for that romantic heart again, that idilic girl I used to think in since I was so little. Someone who would like me because of my feelings and for what I was good at, and who would be proud of me because of the person I am. In those days I met the girl who will give me my first kiss, and who would be the doom of our entire family, a girl named Marylin.

    Marylin was sly, your typical wold on sheep skin. It all started very innocently between she and me. I was happy the first days, but then she publicly shown how embarrased she was of me, like I was a burden or something to her. Such act enraged me beyond words, and I sent a cursing that was famous for a long time in this home. In those times, an schoolmate named Edward used to come to my home. He was the closest thing to a best friend I could ever hope to have. In time, she developed an interest for my sister, and then they started a relationship. As such, he would quickly drift away from me, and comming to see me was nothing than a mere excuse to come and see her, until I was not needed anymore, even for that. I was alone again. And, of course, Marylin would not get happy just being cursed upon: she managed to ensnare my brother to her, and they became a couple. Marylin used this to torture me emotionally in very terrible ways, while my brother was completely indiferent to such. He simply didn't cared about it, like everybody else, who cared of me as much as you care for some tool on the house.

    When something needed to be fixed, I was the tool to fix it, and it was, by default, MY fault that such thing was broken or out of order, as such, it was my duty to repair it AT ONCE. There was no other reason for people knocking on my door. In that time, things started to take the shape of today, more than 24 hours without listening or seeing another human being. Some years after that, my mother would meet her last lover, a really wonderfull guy named Richard. He was incredible, almost the father I never had. I quickly developed strong feelings for him. And, after some time, my brothers, my mother and I, ended moving with him to a nearby home. For a moment, it felt like things started to go back to the wonderness of the old times, for I got to spend a lot of time with my mother, out of the stress of school or other demand.

    I ignore if it was Richard kind loving what moved my mother's heart, or if it was the fact that she had simply thrown the towel with me as proyect, but the fact is that there wasn't tension anymore, and we started to rebond, slowly, and with a considerable distance. However, Marylin kept with my brother, and her emotional attacks would be the vinegar on the honey of those times. In the end of those years, I would meet, as well, my personal doom, in the form of a girl named Eliana, a classmate of my sister. She wasn't a girl of looks, and actually didn't had anything special at all, but I was desperate to end my solitude.

    Economical sittuation started to get ill for us, and we were forced to move away such a wonderfull home, and were forced to live with my grandma. Now those times were very hard, and the beginning of what I call for my life "The End Of The World". Barely 3 months, more or less, with Eliana passed by, when her father would literally RAID my home with the POLICE in absolute surprize for me. Following the most wise, and after scaping from the event harmless thanks to the cunning of my mother, I broke up with her. However, the girl OBSESSED with me, and started stalking me anywhere I would go. So I would go out even less than usual.

    A new time came to my home when we got, for first time, broadband internet, and I started meeting people through the computer on the late hours of the night, for the rest of the day my mother would use the computer on her research. It was then when I met my FIRST TRUE LOVE, a wonderfull girl named Tracey. I loved her with every fibber of myself, yet we were very apart. We lasted together for 2 very happy almost fightless years. All until I came across a shadow of the past.

    Like came out of no-where, Alice, the girl from my childhood, was in my home visiting. When I saw her I almost wanted to cry, for she was nothing than a fleeting wraith than her old former self. I started going out with her as friends, finding out the horrors she had been through all the time I wasn't around. I couldn't bare to see her like that, and she was there, needing me, or so I thought. It was then when I commited my first real sin: I chose my happyness over the one of other person. I broke with Tracey telling her that I had now the chance of making someone happy in the real world, after she had promised to come to see me and retracted in the last minute. It was terribly hurtfull to do that, only to satisfy an uncertain fantasy of the past.

    Alice was caotic, unstable, strange, twisted and dark. You would never really know what was inside her head, and there was not even a hint of the girl I was truely fallen in love, and I didn't wanted to accept it. The true end of things started that year, when she went away on a trip, just when my mother had been diagnosed cancer. In matter of months, my mother, the most strong person in the world for me, was withering away, and, before I knew it, she was being carried away one 27th of July back from the hospital to my home, she convulsing on the bed, and everybody saying "we can do nothing more for her." She died the next day in the most underserving way a woman like she could had ever died but, not without, a day before, giving me her last words for me: "Is not enough...". As I knew, not even in the end, she was truely pleased with me. I had failed to her, in the very end.
  2. SeemosYantra

    SeemosYantra Member

    Part II

    Alice cared little about the passing of my mother, even when she knew it. In the other hand, my grandma and my uncles and aunts by the side of my mother's family, persons I trusted as family, gently kicked me and my brothers out of the house in one of the most dramatic ways you can imagine, forcing us to return to our father's home. Little after that, something completely unexpected happened: Marylin had a baby, from my brother. It caught us all off guard, ALL OF US. However, using all her cunning, my brother managed to get a good job, on something HE liked, and make it awesomely good. He was indeed a good example of all what I wasn't, and everybody loved him and admired him, even I, with certain bitterness. Bit by bit, we grew very close and we became, on our own way, allies.

    Two years after being with Alice, after giving her shelter when the troubles of her home left her without a place where to be, of giving her food when she was hungry, of giving her home warmth when nobody would accept her, of spending lots of money in medication for her hipocondriatic tendencies, of giving her all my love in every single way; she simply broke with me. The reason was simple: she was bore, I was too good for her, and she needed the strife and economical certainty on her life I didn't had. I was broken, for after my mother was gone, she was one of the few things I had left, and now she was abandoning me like a used sock. However, increasing the cruelty of the sittuation, she would keep visiting me, and stupid fallen in love of me, I would never say no. One day, she would come just to tell me she was happy she had found someone else that was much better than me and that really made him happy, unlike me. The level of suffering and pain I had that night is hardly descriptible, but I would say it was enough hard for like causing a phisical reaction rarely seen. Is true that in the past, I considered the preachings of my mother so hurtfull, that my nose would start bleeding, like she was hitting directly on my heart. However, that night, I literally cried blood. I still wonder how it comes I haven't gone blind. I lost conciousness after the first minutes of it. She didn't cared at all. She left me there, without saying anything to anybody. I have been told it was my father who later found me on a little pool of my own vital fluid.

    One day at the hospital was everything I was given. Doctors couldn't actually explain what exactly happened, and they couldn't find anything wrong with me. I was just weak, and my eyes considerably irritated, but that was all. Since that, I haven't seen Alice ever again. But things keep going getting worse. As you may imagine, I was in a very very bad emotional state, terribly bad, and thus prone to do stupidities. I got so obsessed with proving I could make people happy in such a desperate way that when, after a long time of silence, Eliana would come back to stalk me, I accepted her. It was just one afternoon, the most dooming and terrible afternoon of my life. After that, I didn't saw her again, until she would come up with the breaking news: someone I didn't loved at all... was pregnant, claiming it was from me. At first I didn't believed it at all for many reasons, and one of them being the fact she had played a similar prank on others she didn't liked on the past. But, when her father would set an appointment with me, I knew things were far more than just a prank.

    In fact, she was pregnant, and he even shown me the papers. However, the dating papers would show she had more months of developing than the time we had been together for the last time. Still, the father would not accept that logical argumentation against the full assignation of the responsability of the issue on my shoulders. Without reaching a real deal of any kind, he forbbid me of having any kind of contact with Eliana, which I didn't had any problem with complying. Little time later, I would receive a police officer at my home: I was being sued under the charge of abandon of pregnant woman.

    Since that time, I am under trial, even when the child is already born, she would refuse to make the DNA test, yet she keeps claiming he is mine. As the trial proceeded on her early stages I met a new girl through the NET, a wonderfull girl, the most wonderfull I had ever met, and the true reason for me being here writting these lines. He name is Leah. Different from the past girls, and pretty like Tracey, my first net girlfriend, she was supportive beyond words and so unconditionally devouted like something I had never seen before. God, I got to know the meaning of happyness and of awaiting for something with true hope with her.

    After a wonderfull year with her, something horrible came to happen, something completely unexpected. My brother, having barely 20 years, and entire future before him, died of the most silly way one can: of a flue. As you heard it. It all started as a flue, a flue he didn't took care of because he got too worried about his job, which was experiencing drastical and problematic changes. Even when he needed to rest and take care, he would go, and expose himself to a very difficult weather, just to ensure everything worked fine. Soon he was unable to get from the bed, and one night, after experimenting a particular night feber, he was taken to the hospital, where he was diagnosed meningitis. An infection core formed on his spinal cord, and cutted the signals of his heart. He died sleeping more or less peacefully. The only person I could talk to in real life, the only person with who I shared interests and jokes, the only person with who I have developed a common language and with who I have many dreams of working together... had left my side forever. Both me and my father were devastated.

    Leah was incredibly supportive on such hard times, in which I started to get very very sick. Since that, she was my only pillar of reason, of hope, of love, of life. We were there for each other, we talked to each other every day, and we grew together as persons awesomely. We had our fights and argues, as every couple, but we would solve them almost inmediatelly, and soon all was okay and solved, like mature persons. It was just recently that my grandma, who was from time to time supportive with us, but who was increasingly more ill, loss her ability to speak one day. Almost as abrupt as the death of my brother. Some months after that, she was passing away peacefully one early morning. Something similar happened to an uncle by the part of my father very recently, who suffered of a bubble on the brain by unknown reasons, and left this world after 3 days. He wasn't exactly an emotional figure of my life, but he was iconic on the neighborhood and, in the end, known family.

    Now, my home is not a lonely place only with my father and me and my sister. My father has a new partner, but this person is completely different and rejectfull with us. She comes from a very different place with a very low level of culture, and despises completely what me and my sister were taught to hold in high steem over other things and, as such, were are slowly being treated like strangers and usurpers on our own home. Is a hard thing to live here since she came with her two kids. The elder girl is a saint, but her little brother is beyond problematic, and a torment even for her own mother. However, I am hand bound regarding everything, for once me and my sister saved the entire house of being burnt down WILLINGLY by this kid and, instead of being praised by our heroism, we were PREACHED by PREACHING on the kid for such a deadly action. There is no longer a family.

    These are dire times, times in where your truely beloved ones are supposed to be there support you, right? Well, recently, Leah, my beloved girl, told me she decided to go to an internate school of some sort to finish her schooling and gain some extra education in order to get a decent job, and gain much more chance of comming to see me at least for a bit and then organizing how we would make for living together. The idea was stupendous, but I had my doubts, for I know how much college and similar institutions tend to change people drastically in some cases (Alice was one of those cases). However, she sweared me in all the possible ways that everything was going to be right, and that she was doing this for our future together, that the only thing she wanted in this world was to be with me, have a home, a simple life, a family, rise her own children, and be happy. Completely wonderfull, romantic, sweet, maternal, and praisable dreams for a young lady like her, and a bliss for me. Many times, however, my love for her would push me to say that she should think it a lot before really deciding to stay with me, for my life, as you see, is a very complex MESS and I am anything but a good or safe prospect of husband. However, she shown on the most sweet ways that she was dead resoluted to be with me, and live happily forever with me.

    Her school time started and she had to move to this new place. She would come to see me everyday, skipping one day or two from time to time due imposibilities of time. She was always happy and cheerfull, full of energy, and always reminding me that everything was fine, and that she was "almost there". As she went away in this heroic enterprise, I started writting again. I love writting, is one of the few things I do more or less good as you see. So I started writting a novel entirely dedicated to her and God that it is comming awesome, I am very proud of my work. Never before I had worked so hard for someone and with so much pleasure, while waiting for her everyday. This time, we were working together, and it felt good.
  3. SeemosYantra

    SeemosYantra Member

    Part III

    Now, after around 1 month of being in this new school, the day before yesterday (yes, as you read), she would come on-line very late at night and say "You know, I had been thinking... and I think you really need to get a flesh and bone girl... a real girl... and that girl... is not me...". Can you imagine how I felt? I asked her all the session what I did wrong, if she had found someone else... But she kept saying that none of such were the reason. She actually gave no reason at all, acting all "sweet & kind" yet saying such cruel things to me. It was basically like she was someone else completely different in matter of 24 hours. I was devastated. In my devastation, I went to her gallery at DA to reclaim what was mine, for if she really wanted to leave me completely out of the blue, the least she could do was to give me back what was so rightfully mine. So I posted in every single fan artwork of her based on my characters that she please retired the picture or I would have to ask the authorities of the DA gallery to do so.

    The next day, yesterday, she would come back again, fresh like nothing had happened, yet still pretty assured on her decision of leaving me, yet "wanting to be friends with me". I mean, when I met her, I told her the entire story of Alice, and how she did the same thing to me, and she completely agreed in that moment with that such was cruel. As I said... it was like... like she was some other person completely. I asked for my two requests: for she to remove the pics and for she to leave me alone once and for all if she really wanted to leave me. To this she reacted terribly offended, specially when she saw the posts at the gallery and she started to act like she was doing this because she was sick or something, like in those dramas where one lover tries to push away the other because of a terminal illness of something like that. Once again, I asked for reasons, and I was given nothing but incongruencies and hurtfull words, and she finally left after asking her "Why everybody has to toy with my heart like this?", which she answered "They can, only if you let them", which I answered "Yes... like in your case, right?". After that she was silent, and left. I haven't seen her since that, that happened yesterday. In two nights, dreams sweetly brewed and completely good had been thrown to the trash can and with them, the little I have of my sanity.

    I just... I just can't stand this anymore... is too much... I don't have ANYBODY else anymore.... NOBODY.... I am alone in a room 24 hours every day... with no place to go, and no one to go to.... at silent hours of the night... lost on my own thoughts of suffering. At least, the past days I was happily brewing stories, but now all I can type is this... If I was brave enough, I would have probably taken away my life... but I am way too scared of pain for like doing that... even for that I am lame...

    So, I ask... WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?! ... WHY DO I DESERVE THIS?! ALL I DO IS WRITE TALES FOR EVERYBODY TO BE HAPPY!... Is THAT A BAD THING?!! DAMMIT!... Nobody ever reads my work, even when I put so much love and effort on every line... Nobody ever cares for what I think or feel, and everybody here picks on me just to make fun or when they need me, like a tool or like the service man of the building... I can't get a job due my actual penal profile... and even if I had one, with WHICH GOAL ON MIND?! I have none... I have no one to fight for... This afternoon a "friend" said "fight for yourself"... and I ask WHY?! FOR WHAT?! I am with myself every single day... and is nothing pretty or nice... I AM BORING, AND LAME, AND DISGUSTING... I actually can't imagine WHAT does Leah saw on me... I mean, she is so pretty... as Alice was too... both were so pretty... Alice being so smart despite all the other stuff... and Leah being the lovingness incarnated... I mean... is true that nobody would like to be around Alice for real since she was at the moment in so many problems, which I helped her to come out.... or the same with Leah and her slight overweight when I first met her... but both are now out of it... and is like... like now that they are fine... I become OBSOLETE... and all the promises... all the wonderfull words... everything means now NOTHING...

    I was healing from my sickness, a sickness that I had since my brother died. Like never before in my life, I had to consume loads of medicine, and to spend lots of money paying them. My father doesn't gives me a single cent, and all the money I get comes from an extremely gentle person who used to be a friend of my family who pitties me beyond word and gives me some money monthually, money I barely get to spend on myself because I have to contribute with the constant deficit of the house (which we experiment since the new partner of my father moved in) or I am THROWN OUT. And even with all of these, I WAS HEALING, and I AM APPARENTLY HEALED and much more healthy than I had being in a LOOOOONG time. All because Leah was always by my side, always supporting me so wonderfully...

    And now she does this completely out of the blue. I asked the person who used to be her best friend about this, and she was even more surprized to hear what I had to tell than me when it happened to me, and completely clueless to what to say about it. I mean, this girl, Leah, had sent me the most romantic birthday present I had ever received in my life, almost equivalent to an engagement ring... when Alice never ever gifted me anything, except a music CD only because I said I would have liked to buy it once on her presence. And now... now... Now she is throwing me away like someone disscarding a puppy because not being able to take it along on a trip to a new home... I... I can't understand anything of what is happening here.... I am just dead tired of this all... I can't stand it anymore...

    So, if you have readed it all... I have to thank you already just for doing it... and... if you have something to say... whatever... please... PLEASE... let me know..... I am.... not alone.... because I am not sure how much I can endure this before I do another stupid thing I may regret for my entire life.... All I ever wanted was someone with who to share all I have to share... someone who would listen and not betray me anymore... just someone I can love without any more fears... just... just....

    Somebody... please... I beg you.... help me... I'm... desperate...
  4. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    Meh you have/ had things better off then me so I can't see what your problem is.
  5. SeemosYantra

    SeemosYantra Member

    T.T Thanks...
  6. Fawx

    Fawx Member

    That's not very supportive, dude. Comparing situations is kind of pointless. The point is that he's suffering, whether you think he's had it better than you or not.
  7. Fawx

    Fawx Member

    As for you, Seemos, just remember what we talked about. Keep your patience and try and hold out. Things are crappy right now, but you've got people here who can talk you through this time. Hold on to that.
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I am really sorry all that has happened to you. There must be someplace you can get a job or something that might help you move out of your house and into your own place. Also, you will find someone else eventually. I know it hurts right now, but you will start feeling better soon. Try getting outside and meeting some people. Staying inside all day will only make you feel worse.
  9. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    I didn't mean it as an insult I just think he should adopt the perspective that it isn't that bad at all and its all repairable or replaceable.
  10. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    since when did problems become a competition. isn't it about helping and not comparing and contrasting how much worse off one person is compared to the other. Man, come on now...
  11. SeemosYantra

    SeemosYantra Member

    The problem is the fact THAT has never worked for me and that's why I spend so much time on the NET. People look at me no better than a freak, either it is for my way of talking, my way of dressing, the things I like, the things I do, the way I am... whatever it is, they see me no better than a mad creature that should remain on it's dungeon and never come out, and I do them a favor by doing so. Now, as much as I love the fresh air, the sun, the moon, the sea, the plants, and life in general, watching people passing by, so "happy" and "worryfree" around me only makes me feel like a ghost, and thus furtherly depresses me. Another powerfull reason for staying and not going outside. Either way I am always alone because in the end, it is true: the person who is alone, is alone outside and inside...

    Thanks for the intention, thought, but this a lifelong problem I have been living with from my most early days. That's why is extremely hard for me to get a partner and, so far, I reached the conclusion that I get them eventually, because I stumble upon people who would not have a partner otherwise, since only a desperate person would date with such a desperate and troublesome person as I am.

    It is said similar atracts each other. I believe so. I wish I could change that. I mean, there are things that I am proud of and that are part of my style (of course, when you stand out of the rest you have to either pay the prize of fame or isolation, I pay the second), but there are other I would love to change to better suit the way I do wish to be and look. Unfortunatelly, as I said, my resources are short and, the most important, my motivation grows lower and lower with each of these events happening in my life. I will soon reach the "Brittney Spears Syndrome" (or "I don't care point") at this rate. *hahahahaha* ... *sigh*

    Thanks, anyway. ^_^
  12. SeemosYantra

    SeemosYantra Member

    And, regarding that, Fishman-san... That's true, technically everything in this universe is "repairable" or "replaceable". In that, I cannot argue with you in any single way. However... what happens when the INTEREST/MOTIVATION for doing so DIES with the "repairable/replaceable" thing/stuff/person/whatever? What is LEFT then...? Is there anything LEFT to begin with? It doesn't matter the size of the problem, but the pillars behind it.

    I like to remember that villain from Cowboy Beebop, who was said to be the most terrible assasin, which Spike fights and, in the end, I don't remember how, but he ends hurting him. In the very moment Spike manage to cause him pain, the assasin becomes a complete crybaby and was completely defeated. It was not even a 10th of what he has done to Spike, and yet there he was rolling over his back crying like a little child and for real.

    As well, I like to remember what Ares says to Kratos on the first game of the God Of War Saga:

    "I have taught you many ways to kill a mortal... flesh that burns... bones that break... But to shatter a man's spirit... is to truely destroy him."