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24 years old - Would rather die than work a soul draining job the next 40 years.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sol, Apr 29, 2007.

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  1. Sol

    Sol Member

    Hello everyone,

    I'm a 24 year old male, law student, and living/working in downtown Chicago. I'm here because I never share these thoughts with anyone, and I just want to get them off my chest. Most people call suicidal individuals "whiners," which I think is really stupid and just reflective of their own insecurity and cowardly fear of death. To me, suicide is completely pragmatic and devoid of emotion. What is the point of living in misery when we are all going to die anyways? Why not just take the shortcut rather than go through all the suffering?

    I've been depressed every since I was 12 years old, and wanted to die since I was 16. I didn't have any suffering or trauma in my childhood; actually quite the opposite. I was always social, and never had to work hard at anything. throughout my life I've been in the top 99th percentile on almost every test I've ever taken, so I've always had a lot of free time to enjoy the things I love: reading, learning, and experiencing art and other forms of media.

    At 16, I got my first job doing web development, and even though it was a good job and paid very well, it really struck me and greatly multiplied my depression knowing that I would have to waste the vast majority of my future life dragging myself out of bed at 6:30am, miserable and praying for death. That I'd only be rationed out small bits of happiness, which would grow fewer and further between with age, until retirement, at which point I would be on the virge of death anyways.

    At that point I figured I would have to kill myself by age 18, but I went to college and was actually happy for 2 years (of 4) for the first time. I fell back into depression as the end drew near, but I managed to put off death (i.e. working life) for a couple years by going to law school. I am finishing my second year.

    I now have a "great" job and 1 year left of law school - but I'm getting more distant and apathetic with every day. I've always been nocturnal, and waking up in the morning is incredibly painful for me no matter how long I've been in the routine. I absolutely hate working. Something about having to go somewhere every day, having to constantly play stupid games with stupid people, and having to work for the rest of my life to survive is just completely horrifying to me. No matter what job, even if it would be something I love; something about the compulsion and servitude just causes me unbearable distress.

    I'm not a negative person. I have so many loves in life. I love to meet people and have intellectual/philosophical discussions. I tend to forge very deep relationships with everyone I meet, and I love helping people; I'm really good at listening. I love just experiencing art, beauty, culture and life. But my time to do these things is fading away. I see what happens to free spirited people who go to work 9-5 (if your lucky to have to work that few hours) and I'm beginning to become zombified myself.

    I've never been a jealous person, but to make matters worse, I live in downtown Chicago, and I'm constantly seeing and meeting all these people who don't have to do anything. They have enough assets to be completely 100% free, and just pursue their own social, intellectual, physical and otherwise personal interests. I have no idea how someone with that kind of freedom could ever feel sad. They live such beautiful lives, and I know if I was switched with them I would completely immerse myself in all the wonderful things in life; from learning languages/art/travel for myself, to being involved in the community and building bright futures for others.

    I don't want to take anything from anyone, and I don't feel envious towards them; but it's something different. More like, what is the point of my own existence as a worker-bot? My existence didn't have to be like this. I'm sorry, I know a lot of people really love life and would say how lucky I am to have what I have - but for me, it is just a huge burden which causes twisting pain.

    Life just isn't worth it for me if I have to work everyday. If I was free, I would without a doubt turn my intellectual gifts towards trying to help others and do good for humanity; but the fact that I'm not completely pushes every bit of enjoyment in my life to the background and causes me such anxiety and unhappiness that I just want to tear at myself.

    I was at the top of my class when I started law school, but I've been slipping. I just don't care anymore. It's not worth it. Even if I get some kind of high paying job, it's still nothing more than a miserable, soul draining job. The only reason I stay alive now is to buy mega millions lottery tickets every Tuesday and Friday incase there's a chance I can stay alive. In the mean time I've been heavily taking drugs to fill the growing black hole in my heart. I wish I could just not wake up in the morning, or fade away - but that's just another unfulfilled wish. I've started drafting letters to all my friends and loved ones, and for the past month my mind has been constantly bent towards trying to figure out the best way to go, when the little energy I have left finally gives.

    Well, that's my story. I'm hoping to be a lottery winner, or dead within a couple months.

    Can anyone understand this?
  2. lebigmac

    lebigmac Well-Known Member

    I think I understand where you're coming from. We're told from a young age that to be happy, we need to work long hours and make a lot of money, because that's the American way. However, I can't think of a typical 9-5 job that would be anything but tedious and depression-inducing.

    I can only imagine the pressure you must feel being in such a highly competetive environment. But you must know that you have a choice in all this. You don't need to work the 9-5 drudge like all the other suits. Get an easy part-time job and move into a cheap apartment if you want. Dedicate your time to the things you actually enjoy doing, without feeling guilty. You'd be surprised how little money it takes to live comfortably.

    For example, I'm studying economics at a fairly prestigious university. My parents don't know this, but I'm thinking of working graveyard security when I graduate. Sure, the pay's not great (around $11 an hour), but the job's a joke. I'll be able to spend most of the time reading and messing around online. Eventually, I plan to work from home, perhaps doing freelance stuff... or whatever. Now an outsider might think I lack ambition, but that's not the case at all. I'm ambitious about things I care about. Working my ass off for the man just isn't one of them.

    Contrary to what your parents and society in general would have you believe, a) you are not destined to spend the next 40 years of your life in a cubicle and b) your job is not what defines you. And as cliche as it sounds, only you can decide what you want to do with your life. Even if that means nothing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2007
  3. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    hey hun ♥
    yes we undersatnd no matter what ur going through we all even i understand and make u feeel speaicl.

    sorry of what u've been throgh as a kid and even now as a adult. but yeah lifes hard and sometimes we have to puch away these things and follow our hearts. sometimes we need to have a little faith in our selfs .

    hun if u need to talk im always here.

    lov nic
  4. Hi Sol. I live in Chicago too, and I am the same age as you. I've been suicidal for a few years, because of my disablity and the hatred of me by my family and surrounding society, as I'm not treated fairly by them. I wish I could have more opportunity in life, though unfortunately, I am trapped due to the way life has been for me. I can imagine that being in your situation might not be much better, just different, feeling trapped in the ways you described.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'm not trying to judge you here, but this sounds a lot like laziness. Nobody just wakes up one morning doing the job they always wanted to do. It takes work and dedication. No, you don't have to work a soul draining job for the rest of your life...but you are young and it will take some effort. Nobody is just going to hand you the job of your dreams...you need to WORK for it Nothing worthwhile ever came easily to anyone so why should YOU be any different? You are smart and obviously have the money and/or means to attend grad school, so what do you want? Someone is not just going to hand you your dream job. You need to WORK for it, and if you are talented and lucky, then you will not have to work as hard as most people to make a living.

    Yeah, it seems like it would be nice to just live like Paris Hilton on your family's money, but look at what a shallow biatch she really is.

    Yes, I would LOVE to win the lotto and be independently wealthy, but let's face it. Those people are boring, self-indulgent assholes. You don't grow as a person that way; you stagnate and become a soul-less waste of space.

    If law isn't the career you want to persue, then don't do it, but find something that floats your boat and work at it. Find something you love to do and then no matter how much money you do or do not make, it will be enough.

    Don't go killing yourself just because the world won't hand you a golden ticket.
  6. Syd

    Syd Guest

    Peanut, I know you only meant well - but I really think you're misunderstanding Sol here.

    He's suffering from heavy depression because of his current situation, which is why he doesn't have the willpower or motivation to continue working hard.

    Sol, from what I read, it sounds like you need a change of scenery - fast. You're not being "lazy" or "selfish" in my opinion. Humans are not robots, and while we obviously do have to work, by no means do you have to be an employee for some company, working your way up the corporate ladder.

    There are plenty of alternative jobs and lifestyles, if you know where to look. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're feeling trapped and secluded in your current situation because your creative freedom and intellectual capacity is being limited.

    I understand this all too well. I'm currently involved in freelance writing, and my sister and her boyfriend are graphic artists. All of us are generally poor, but we love the art community. It's still a lot of hard work, and pays shit, but it's worth every ounce of time and energy.

    The same goes for many scientists and teachers publishing articles and books, conducting research, involved in organizations. They're giving something meaningful back to the community because they enjoy helping others, not because their jobs are in high demand or because of the money.

    I'm not saying law isn't important and meaningful to some people, I'm just pointing out that this is perhaps not what you originally envisioned for yourself down the road. You have to ask yourself why you chose this path originally, and regain your enthusiasm before continuing in that direction.

    Perhaps you were entering law school with the intentions of continuing with a political career later on? Politics is an extremely worthy and meaningful pursuit, it's just that it will take a lot of dull work in submissive environments before you gain real freedom and the ability to influence society. Another possibility - maybe when you were younger you thought money would bring you happiness, and you're now discovering that's not the case? Maybe you're looking for a new job with a better social environment, more challenges, and personal freedom?

    You know yourself better than any of us. Think about what you really want right now in life. Write down your thoughts, your dreams, everything. Maybe you'd like to start your own project or organization, maybe a new career path, or maybe you just need a vacation. ;) Who wouldn't after years of law school?

    One more thing I'll add, check this post. You sound like you may fall into this category of people, who are easily overstimulated.

    I completely sympathize with your situation, and wish you luck in finding a less-stressful lifestyle, and rediscovering your enthusiasm and passion.
  7. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I think laziness is completely the wrong term. You said you want to help others, that's hardly a lazy aspiration at all. But, I will say you are more than a bit confused. I do have a question: what makes you think you can't work at a job you love? There are many soul-friendly jobs that will pay decently (not CEO decent, mind you). Look within to find what calls you.

    Also, if you were in a relationship romantically, perhaps that would add more substance and intrigue to your life. Or, God forbid, multiple relations (not at the same time, of course).

    You can spend your life doing what you love, but you will need to make sacrifices. Ironically, I think making sacrifices to a certain extent makes you a happier person. Too much self-indulgence is always a bad thing, keep in mind.
  8. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    Welcome to the forum Sol.. I think you make alot of sense you addressed many thoughts I have held through out my life as well.. Have you ever done any sort of therapies, and talked through these issues, it may or may not help but worth a try in my opinion.. I hope that you continue to post.
  9. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    i kinda understand what your feeling coming from a controlling boss, my father who doesn't want me to have days off.

    actually, i do have a lawyer friend that gets weekends off to drive his family to the lake house every weekend. i don't know how lawyers lives are. are you sure about how many hours your gonna have to put in?

    i had that stay up late problem. seems drinking a glass of red wine before bed works as sleeping aid and wake up early.
  10. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    i think that american culture has become a victim of it's own success and capitalism. most countries in europe and south america value time and rest. in south america, the whole town shuts down for lunch. in france, people can drink wine during work. i started working at 12 with no days off. my father is always talking about working everyday day and night to survive. and always belittling me.
  11. lebigmac

    lebigmac Well-Known Member

    The American culture has gone to sh*t. There's no reason why anyone should have to work more than 20 hours a week. Most employees will tell you they spend more time trying to look busy than actually being productive. That tells you something right there.
  12. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    I hate American society.. it's all about materialism. I honestly don't even want to be a part of it or anything anymore.
  13. dosFREAK

    dosFREAK Well-Known Member

    So, if I move to Japan, I will have absolutely no free time at all, or almost?
    If thats the case, I am better off committing suicide... My dream place... S$#%!
    Should I do it? I am thinking about it... If Japan is harder than A$%#@^#, the country that is a curse word to say, I should just end it all?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2007
  14. afterlife

    afterlife Guest

    basically u dont vanna be stuck in the fast paced corporate life?
    atleast youre above average and not "live to work or work to live"

    or just settle for average or bit above, but u only have to put half the effort, since you excel so well.

    im not even fucking average!
  15. 1up

    1up Member

    shit man... if u think the coporate world wouldn't suit u...then i think its time to make a career change

    u said u liked reading, learning, and experiencing art and other forms of media.. then u should try to pursue something in that field. Sure, theres not a good chance of u being a billionaire off that..but hey, at least u'll like what ur doing.

    lol u kind of remind me of myself when u said u play the mega millions every tuesday and friday..because i do the exact same thing and i'm also a college student trying to finish up my second year of college. Theres a shit load of time my friend, and the possibilities are endless, you don't have to rush anything. Sure theres a rat race, but try to stay in your own lane and do things how you'd like them to be, fuck everybody else, you are your own main concern (if that makes any sense). Whats the point of life? well whats the point of suicide man? you got one life, might as well live it up untill you past.

    but yea dude sounds like you need a change of scenery like someone said before.. or a big vacation lol

    don't give up man..i may just be a regular college student, but i'm with you on the same persuit of hapiness
  16. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

  17. Sol

    Sol Member

    Hey, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who took their time to respond. I sincerely appreciate it. Like many of you mentioned, sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't mind going on if I had a more "life" conducive job. Unfortunately I've racked up so much student loan debt that I'm not sure how I could get off this path. "Maybe something will happen" ... that thought alone is what keeps me dragging along.
  18. Shock

    Shock Well-Known Member

    Hey man. I dont know if youll get round to reading this with all the other comments but I hope you do. I want you to know that I really do feel where you are comming from. I am not just saying that about depressioin or suicidal thoughts, I am referring to the way you feel about work and life and everythiong in between.

    I work at Woolworths and I lothe every second of it. I have worked there part time for the last 6 years, during school and now during my college education. I completed school in the top end of class. I then went to university and studied psychology and economics. Like you I went very well in the first examinations, but after a while I started to slip and began to feel unmotivatied.

    A year after this I began Graphic Design at TAFE. (Im not sure how the American system works, but in Australia TAFE is the 'poor government funded college that anyone can attend'. It is not prestigious or glamoruos at all.)

    Anyway, the point being is that I went my own direction. This was against my parents desires and against the expectations of my peer group. I simply felt theat I was not happy with psychology or economics and did what I felt was closest to my heart.

    Maybe law is not for you. I am not saying that undertaking law is the direct result of your problems, but maybe it has something to do with influecing them. I am only speaking from personnel experiance here of course. I know I could never in a million years take up law, but thats just me.

    Anyway I just wanted to say you are not alone. : )
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2007
  19. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    the peace corps has student loan deferment.
  20. sullen_girl

    sullen_girl Guest

    I can absolutely understand where you are coming from! This is my first post and one of the main reasons (I have other issues :rolleyes: ) I was browsing the board is because I have been feeling this same pang. It comes and it goes, but it never stays away for too long. I have long since entertained the thought of suicide because I feel trapped in life so to speak. Not the only reason, but it's in the top five.

    I hate the fact that I have to force myself to go to sleep (I have always been a night person as well) when I'd rather be up reading or taking a stroll or something else because I have to get up at some ungodly hour to go and sit in a cubicle staring at a computer screen for 8 hours.

    Laziness has nothing to do with it either. I don't mind working for what I need. If I need fire to cook a meal, I don't mind chopping wood. But there is something unnatural about the way we live.

    I don't understand the "earn a living" mentality. We all deserve access to the basic necessities in life. :dry:

    The thing that saddens me the most is that there are other people who aren't wage slaves and they live decent lives. Unfortunately, I lack the confidence in myself and my abilities to make things happen any other way. So not only am I a slave to my job, I'm a slave to myself. I refuse to do this for another 40 plus years.

    But yeah, I feel you.
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