I lost my bestfriend over a month ago. I've tried to accept it and move on but I just can't. Everything reminds me of her like I'm haunted. Even my carpet because I know she stood there once and I wish she still did. Trees, bread, just everything because she was my life and we had so many memories. I can't handle it anymore. I try to be positive because I know times supposed to heal everything, since I also lost the boy I thought was the love of my life. I also lost two other friends who were really close. I seem to lose everyone close. They were the four most important people in my life. I am so empty and lost without them. I don't know how I lost them because they all just disappeared from my life. Last night I was a stupid idiot. I completely broke down. I couldn't stop crying. It's all because I miss her so much. I'm so dumb, I sent her a text saying "I need you so much" but she won't know for sure its from me because I hae a new number. I don't know what to do. She replied this morning saying "who is this?". I'm not sure if I should ask my physciatrist for anti-depressants. I was on them once but they didn't do anything. I want something to at least numb the pain though. Whats the point in living a life where you're always unhappy? I barely know what happiness feels like anymore. I try to talk to people but it doesn't help because this never ends. I was in hospital for over a month this year to try and make things better but they changed nothing. I'm now going back to school for one class a day though. The trouble is my ex-bestfriend and other close friend are in my class so it's horrible. I had no other friends at school so I'm friendless there. They all treat me like an animal in the zoo. I also have a social anxiety disorder or whatever so i can't look up or at anyone and I hate being there it makes me want to die. I'm leaving at the end of the year thank God but there is still another month of it. I wrote a letter I planned on sending to my ex-bestfriend at the end of the year just to say everything I feel and a proper goodbye because then we'll never see eachother again. I'm not sure if I should send it or not though. I'm trying to get into a school that I believe will be really good for me but I'm so scared I won't get in because it's really popular. If I don't I'm going to be ruined. I'll want to jump off a bridge because I need it. Nothing else is going right so it's the one that needs to happen. I think I'll find out if I get in in about a week. I don't get along with my parents or siblings. My mum says so many horrible things to me and it just makes it worse. When my friends are upset it completely brings me down, I hate not being able to help them. I feel like no-ones cares. I hate myself so much. I don't want to exist I just want to be strong enough to end it. Why can't things just ever be okay? I don't want to doubt God but why does he let people be so unhappy? What do we do to deserve it? Why do other people get to be happy? I just don't know anything anymore.. Gah..