Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flowerpot, Nov 1, 2007.

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  1. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I lost my bestfriend over a month ago. I've tried to accept it and move on but I just can't. Everything reminds me of her like I'm haunted. Even my carpet because I know she stood there once and I wish she still did. Trees, bread, just everything because she was my life and we had so many memories. I can't handle it anymore. I try to be positive because I know times supposed to heal everything, since I also lost the boy I thought was the love of my life. I also lost two other friends who were really close. I seem to lose everyone close. They were the four most important people in my life. I am so empty and lost without them. I don't know how I lost them because they all just disappeared from my life. Last night I was a stupid idiot. I completely broke down. I couldn't stop crying. It's all because I miss her so much. I'm so dumb, I sent her a text saying "I need you so much" but she won't know for sure its from me because I hae a new number. I don't know what to do. She replied this morning saying "who is this?". I'm not sure if I should ask my physciatrist for anti-depressants. I was on them once but they didn't do anything. I want something to at least numb the pain though. Whats the point in living a life where you're always unhappy? I barely know what happiness feels like anymore. I try to talk to people but it doesn't help because this never ends. I was in hospital for over a month this year to try and make things better but they changed nothing. I'm now going back to school for one class a day though. The trouble is my ex-bestfriend and other close friend are in my class so it's horrible. I had no other friends at school so I'm friendless there. They all treat me like an animal in the zoo. I also have a social anxiety disorder or whatever so i can't look up or at anyone and I hate being there it makes me want to die. I'm leaving at the end of the year thank God but there is still another month of it. I wrote a letter I planned on sending to my ex-bestfriend at the end of the year just to say everything I feel and a proper goodbye because then we'll never see eachother again. I'm not sure if I should send it or not though. I'm trying to get into a school that I believe will be really good for me but I'm so scared I won't get in because it's really popular. If I don't I'm going to be ruined. I'll want to jump off a bridge because I need it. Nothing else is going right so it's the one that needs to happen. I think I'll find out if I get in in about a week. I don't get along with my parents or siblings. My mum says so many horrible things to me and it just makes it worse. When my friends are upset it completely brings me down, I hate not being able to help them. I feel like no-ones cares. I hate myself so much. I don't want to exist I just want to be strong enough to end it. Why can't things just ever be okay? I don't want to doubt God but why does he let people be so unhappy? What do we do to deserve it? Why do other people get to be happy? I just don't know anything anymore.. Gah..
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I read your post flowerpot. To loose a best friend is like loosing a family member.. for some worse than... depends how is our relation with our own family so mourning process fully apply in that loss and your feeling completly at lost is more than normal. I sympathise coz I know how it is like to seem to loose all those that are close to you but it is also true that time heals most of those wounds. You do need outside help if you can't cope with it all.
    A month's help is not enough to feel benefits hun... get helped and stick to it and if meds are needed, stick to them for quite a few months.. they don't start helping right away (wrong belief as it doesn't work that way).

    You wrote a letter to those friends that deserted you? Why not give it a try and maybe shake them up a little? It might just help them do some thinking about how they act and acted towards you.... what else can they do after reading how you feel and how you reacted to what they did? Nothing... but if it can confort you in telling them then do it.

    The outcome none can tell but if you don't expect nothing in return but empty some of your bag do it. They might come back and explain or apologize who knows? They might brush it away and not give it a second thought but you will know only by trying hun.

    What is this story about the other school? Can you tell me more bout it?
    If you want to share I am here to read you. Not much of an adiverser but I can read (listen) you.
  3. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    Thankyou for taking to time to read it.. it truly means alot to me. Yeah, my bestfriend was my whole life, more then a family member more then anything! I just want to go back in time so much. Well.. I didn't want to leave hospital because I actually started liking it more there, it was an escape and I was happier. But they made me. I'm not good at talking about anything personal in person so they couldn't help me apparently.. so they just sent me home. I see a physciatrist every 2 weeks I think. I hate it because he doesn't help either. I can't talk to him. I go and it's a waste of time because we don' talk about the things I want to talk about or need help with just stupid pointless things or it's awkward silences. I need someone I can trust and feel comfortable with, not some old man. But I don't know if there's anyone I'll feel comfortable with.. I only wrote a letter to my bestfriend. Everytime I re-read it, it breaks my heart. I think deep-down I'm hoping it will bring her back. Even though I'm trying to accept that shes gone. I think I will send it though because I put alot of effort into it and it's true. It upsets me though reading old messages or things from her. We always said we'd be friends "forever" and she'd never leave me and would love me forever. She promised. I actually mean it when I say forever. It's like no-one else does. This is the text she sent me the night before I went to hospital "I dont want you thinking ill forget you because no matter what nothing will change between us! Ill be here waiting for you forever. I just prayed that you're okay and miss you already. My hoe for eternity." How could she say that and then just abandon me, and I don't even know why. This is another one she once said.. "I just want you to know you mean the world to me and you do so much for me and I never thankyou as much as I should, so thankyou for every second I've known yo because all those seconds have added up to be the greatest years of my life. I know I dont help you as much as I should and I promise that will change. I love you" I just don't get how this could ever of happened..
    The other school is a senior secondary college. I live in Australia so I don't know if this school talk will make sense.. but it's not a mainstream school it's alternative. It has no uniform, senior environment (years 10 to 12) no bells and each student is very independent if that makes sense.. alot of different people go there.. and it will suit me better. I'm pretty sure I'll love it there. But really thankyou so much for listening to me ramble on..
  4. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    hello, first off i want to say helly and welcome to sf. i know how it feels to lose your best friend. i lost mine over 9 yrs ago and feel your pain.
    the isolation and feeling alone, i'm sure a lot of ppl here feel the same way. i know i do. you are not alone.
    this letter you are thinking about sending may be a good idea, if nothing else, just to let your exfriends know how you fee.
    i'd also like to know more about this schoo you want to go to.
    if you ever want or need to talk, i'm here for you
    feel free to pm or find me on msn
    take care and stay safe
  5. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    So far rare are psychiatrist that have this ability to be good listener or communicators brrrrrrr atmosphere in their office right?

    Their main aim is help with medication so don't have hight expectations from this person. To talk about feelings and emotions, adress a psicologist or counselor or therapist. They are 'trained' to listen to what is said and good observators so get the hint when things are left unsaid but body language or else reveal a lot about the person. I am not saying that whoever you will first find will be the right one, they are human after all but you have greater chances at sharing and being listened to with them. As of your writing, keep on writing to her. It will help you empty some of your sorrow.. not just yet but in time and you do need time to come to term with your loss hun...[/QUOTE]

    It doesn't make sense to you but to me some. She'll be there waiting for you and will promised you that wherever she had inmind going to hope to be able to do more for you than in this life time. She must has been in such deep pain nd sorrow that she did what she did yet didn't forget about you and she pointed out that she 'promised' it would change.... she truely believed it that she could do more there than here in helping you out. I know this doesn't help you in the 'now' but if there is a heaven she iis looking out for you hun so talk to her maybe she can hear you.... who knows? If you believe there is a heaven and life after death then talk to her and tell her what''s in your heart.

    Yes I've heard of those schools where one is free to enter and exit as wished, no time to respect type thing just the 'end' shool or term is to be met right? I don't know much about it just heard a little. Hope your choices will be wise and that you will succeed at school.

    Hun she really meant each words said, have no doubt about it. She loved you more than her words could ever express it, she seemed to have been a thoughful person who really cared lots about you and what was happening to you. Wherever she is her love hasn't changed but lives forever and the 'forever' was literal to her. (in life as in death= eternity)
  6. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I just want to thankyou guys so much again for taking the time to read this and respond to because it helps so much. I am forever greatful. Okay, I think I <B>will</B> send the letter, because she meant and means so much to me and I can't just let her go without even saying something. It couldn't make things worse could it? I'm not exactly sure what else to say about the school? I've been to councellors/therapists before and when I was hospital I saw a phycologist but it was kind of the same. Like I talked more about feelings things, but I can never get my TRUE feelings out. In hospital they didn't even think I was suicidal or anything they just thought I was unhappy and had school problems and yeah.
  7. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    "I can never get my TRUE feelings out" If you can't find the words to express your true feelings verballly hun, write them down and pour your heart out. This you can do on your own for yourself or help a therapist understand you better without having to speak ..... at first. Could be the break through you need. Give news on how you're doing pls. Till then be well.
  8. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I know.. I tried that but in the end I still couldn't. Well I could write it down, but could never give it to anyone. It's like I just CAN'T talk about things in person. It sucks :sad:
  9. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    It doesn't matter if you ever share it or not. What matters is to pour that heart of yours out somehow. If it is so painful for you to share with another those writings you could write in two different books. One that is and will remain yours and one that you could use like a one way conversation with your friend or friend and yourself type thing without going too deep so to protect whatever you seem to have such a hard time sharing.

    Be well hun
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You said you were able to write your feelings out, but can not deliver them. Is it possible to e-mail what you have written? I know I have done that. I really had to work hard to get myself to push enter, but it was much easier than handing it to someone. After it is sent there is no changing your mind. It is a thought anyway. They can't help you if you don't share. It is hard when friends walk away from you. Maybe it is because, in part, they are unsure what to do or how to help. If they feel inadequate, it may frighten them. They may be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and hurting you, not realizing that their absence hurts worse. I do not know your situation. Did they need space? Did they feel overwhelmed at times? I think sending them the letter expressing how you feel is a step in the right direction. I hope they are able to shed some light on the situation too. If you have done something to make them back away, you need to know that as well so you can work at fixing it. So many things could come into play. Communication is so important. I wish you luck at resolving things. :hug:
  11. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    Well.. status update. I didn't get into the school. I'm suprised I'm not completely balling my eyes out but I guess I feel completely numb more then anything. I'm kindof fucked now. I feel like laying in bed for eternity. It's funny how so many bad things can happen like what's the point really? You get your hopes up and end up being loet down over and over. It never changes, so why even bother. On the bright side if it even exists, me and my bestfriend are friends once again. The letter I wrote bought her back. But now I feel guilty for being miserable when I have her back. I'd OD or something right now if it wasn't for her. I could never do that to her. So yes here I am barely feeling a thing yet still wishing to disappear wondering what the fuck I'm going to do with my life and hoping I've learnt to never get my hopes up or think positively again. Sorry if I'm an annoying pain too by the way.
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