25th Birthday.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by simplycasey, Nov 13, 2012.

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  1. simplycasey

    simplycasey New Member

    I'm 25 years old today. Looking back as a child, a high schooler, or even in my college days I never EVER thought on my 25th birthday I'd be wanting to end my life. I don't know if I want to die, or if it's just that living is too much anymore. I had it all. Tons of friends, captain of my volleyball and basketball team in high school, and I was a real lover of life. Nothing really brought me down. Then, I met who I thought was the man of my dreams. Welp, 9 years later, here I am. More unhappy than I've ever been.

    We have two beautiful girls, who are probably the only reason I haven't gone through with killing myself and on the outside you'd think we were one big happy family. However, he's cheated on me more times than I can count (the past two years he's been faithful), called me every horrible name in the book - fat (I am 5'8 and weigh 140lbs) an idiot, a dumbass, blah blah blah and even moved me into another room in the house that we live in. Basically for about 7 of the past years off and on I've been treated like shit. So finally, after moving me into another room of our home, calling me every name in the book, taking any mode of transportation away from me, I cheated. I know. bad bad move. Why didn't I leave? I wish I did. So I cheated and that was about 5 months ago.

    Af first, he wanted me to marry him, never leave his side. Then, a week later, my father passed away (we were closer than anyone can imagine). As I went home to take care of my mother, grieve, and try and put our lives back together, he, lets call him M, started sleeping with someone else, that he works with. After 3 months of me apologizing and begging for him back and sleeping with him he decided he wanted to try to work things out. So I've been back living with him for a month. And all he does is cut me down, say mean things, try to hurt me. Before this, I'd never strayed. I treated him like a King. He was my king and I devoted everything to him. Now, I'm back to trying and all I hear is how terrible I am. I take care of our children (as I always have), take care of him, and get endless words of hurt thrown my way.

    It's my 25th birthday today. And he went out with the woman he slept with and had a relationship with while we were apart. They are still friends. Why? Because, as he said, he wanted me to feel like shit. I've never wanted to hurt anyone. I don't know what to do but it's safe to say I can't take this anymore. Hating my life is putting it mildly..I just want all the hurting to stop. But thinking of being without him hurts as well. I'm hoping to just to at least get some perspective.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Casey and let me start by wishing you a Happy Birthday, although it is clear you do not feel happy...it sounds like the Stockholm syndrome of siding with the aggressor...maybe making a plan for you and your children to separate from him, for he and you to go into counseling as you also go into counseling for yourself, and see if there can be an end to the abuse...no one seems to be benefiting from that...you deserve to be happy and I hope you advocate for yourself to get the care you will need...welcome and happy b'day again
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun time to get out ok time to do something not only for yourself but for your two girls hun.

    What kind of example you are showing them by staying with your abuser hun
    You call a womens shelter you go get therapy YOU do what it takes to heal hun

    Take your two girls and you can and will find someone else that will love you really love you for who you are
    The abuse has to stop hun and only you can do that by finding the courage hun to walk away and stay away
    You can and will live without him you can with therapy you can move to a safer place for you and your two girls hugs

    Do it hun for your birthday do something KInd for YOU up and leave and start a new beginning hugs
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