I'm 25 years old today. Looking back as a child, a high schooler, or even in my college days I never EVER thought on my 25th birthday I'd be wanting to end my life. I don't know if I want to die, or if it's just that living is too much anymore. I had it all. Tons of friends, captain of my volleyball and basketball team in high school, and I was a real lover of life. Nothing really brought me down. Then, I met who I thought was the man of my dreams. Welp, 9 years later, here I am. More unhappy than I've ever been. We have two beautiful girls, who are probably the only reason I haven't gone through with killing myself and on the outside you'd think we were one big happy family. However, he's cheated on me more times than I can count (the past two years he's been faithful), called me every horrible name in the book - fat (I am 5'8 and weigh 140lbs) an idiot, a dumbass, blah blah blah and even moved me into another room in the house that we live in. Basically for about 7 of the past years off and on I've been treated like shit. So finally, after moving me into another room of our home, calling me every name in the book, taking any mode of transportation away from me, I cheated. I know. bad bad move. Why didn't I leave? I wish I did. So I cheated and that was about 5 months ago. Af first, he wanted me to marry him, never leave his side. Then, a week later, my father passed away (we were closer than anyone can imagine). As I went home to take care of my mother, grieve, and try and put our lives back together, he, lets call him M, started sleeping with someone else, that he works with. After 3 months of me apologizing and begging for him back and sleeping with him he decided he wanted to try to work things out. So I've been back living with him for a month. And all he does is cut me down, say mean things, try to hurt me. Before this, I'd never strayed. I treated him like a King. He was my king and I devoted everything to him. Now, I'm back to trying and all I hear is how terrible I am. I take care of our children (as I always have), take care of him, and get endless words of hurt thrown my way. It's my 25th birthday today. And he went out with the woman he slept with and had a relationship with while we were apart. They are still friends. Why? Because, as he said, he wanted me to feel like shit. I've never wanted to hurt anyone. I don't know what to do but it's safe to say I can't take this anymore. Hating my life is putting it mildly..I just want all the hurting to stop. But thinking of being without him hurts as well. I'm hoping to just to at least get some perspective.