Hello everyone, I'm a 26 year old male from the UK and I've been depressed on and off for the past 10 years or so. I have always been very skinny, pale and awkward. I have always been Clumsy, had poor memory and very low endurance for physical activity, meaning I fatigue easily and often feel very tired and unwell without any real physical cause. Since my early teens I have had social anxiety disorder, and have suffered from an intense fear of strangers and social situations. I dealt with this by being incredibly insular and living in a total fantasy world of video games, books and cartoons. I had friends, and still know many of them. Like me, many of them were also what I suppose you could call 'unhappy misfits'. When I was 15, my father died from a degenerative brain disease (lewey body dementia, I think it's called). He was an intensely kind and extraordinarily intelligent man, but also very, very odd - obsessive and deeply anxious about strangers. I never really dealt with it at the time, that took until my early twenties when I had my first big 'breakdown'. This is embarrassing, but here goes. When I was 21 I met a girl. She was 27, beautiful, intelligent and gifted. Everything I admired. She was kind of like a older sister figure to me. I was incredibly nervous, shy and really awkward and I think she found my naivete charming. We quickly bonded and became very close. She was in the tail end of a long but disintegrating relationship with a guy and I think she found having me helped her deal with the breakup better. She mothered me, cheered me up, came up with fun things to do and would flirt with me to make me blush. It sounds so pathetic to say it, but I quickly fell head over heels in love with her, a really strong limerant kind of obsessive love where I lost my appetite, thought about her all the time and felt like she was the only special thing in the world. I think she maybe had some slight feelings for me, I'm not sure, but it was more of a sisterly love - she cared deeply for me, but she didn't think about us romantically. The knowledge that this person who I admired and loved so deeply would never be able to return the feelings I had was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I blamed myself. I've never liked the way I look, my voice, my personality, and this became a source of massive recrimination for me. The years went by, as they do, and having failed uni, I spent most of my time at my family home, unwilling to get a job due to the fear of meeting people and unable to form a relationship with anyone due to my feelings of worthlessness and ugliness. Eventually I moved out of home and got a place with a friend, but 2 years on I still feel totally alone and unable to form a relationship. I constantly obsess about being ugly and worthless and cannot seem to find a job. Recently (the last year or so) I've started to think more and more about suicide. I know I can't do it, because of my family, but I can't really conceive of the idea of living anymore. I've made such a mess of my life, the only future that makes sense is one where I kill myself. Sorting my life out seems impossible, given that the one thing I can't change in my life is me, and I just cannot accept myself as this tall, pale, lanky, average-looking/ugly guy with no social skills and no hope with women. I guess this is my quandary - I find life so hopeless, lonely and upsetting that I can't really conceive of a future, but I care about my family too much to ruin their lives by killing myself. I've been to the doctor on many occasions, and am currently on Citalopram 20mg, although it doesn't seem to have any effect. I have my first session of one-on-one CBD scheduled for later this month, and I'm hoping that helps. Thanks for reading.