I don't even know why I'm posting here. I feel like I need to but yet know it won't help. I was doing really great today. I was actually happy and it lasted for more than the usual 2 or 3 hours. I've been helping others here and playing the games in coffee house. Then BAM!! I need to be dead. The plan just jumped into me as fast as the feeling. I feel shaky, nervous and so edgy in anticipation. No long term planning or anything. It's just going to happen. I've tried reaching out but ruined it for myself by having the happy face on. Now it's too late. I have no other choices left. No one can or wants to help me. I'm too alone. And the darkness has swallowed me whole. No escape anywhere. I'm no longer in control of anything. The feelings are. Or can I be helped? I don't know if I can be, want to be or need to be. I just don't know anything anymore. Everything is racing and so out of control. I hate me and what I do to everybody. So I guess I just let things take the course they are going to and hope it ends everybodys pain including mine.