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  1. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    I'm not sure what to do. I feel so isolated. Part of me wants to end this but another part is hanging on. I feel selfish for even posting a thread, as if I am simply wasting space and time of people who have better things to do...if they were to even bother to read this meaningless post at all.

    I feel immobilized and incapable of getting any better. There's just this complete lack of emotion which alternates with anxiety and sadness. My ex got angry at me the other day for wanting to end this and told me that I would be missed. Why is it so easy to overlook them? I guess I just think they would be better off...even if they dont realize it at first. I'm the mother holding her child back from poking the electrical socket with a metal fork, right? Ha. He told me that he'd sacrificed a lot and asked me why I thought he hadn't applied for an out-of-state college. Right. I know his intention was to show that he cared about me and because he had cared for me, had sacrified possible attendance at a better college but geez, the guilt.

    I'm simply sick of the days feeling endless. I'm tired of the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. It sounds, even to me, like a petty thing that could be easily fixed by a quick slap to the face and a 'Get over it' but it's just not that simple. It's so intense and I'm just not sure how much longer I can deal.

    I'm sorry if this sounds selfish and petty. I'm sorry for wasting your time on this post. I just don't know what to say or do anymore. And I guess I wanted to talk, even if it meant nobody would listen.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2008
  2. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    I wish there was someone I could talk to right now. I suppose that's why I am here. I'm not as commited to the concept of death..more just the ending of my pain and loneliness..and therefore I am always searching for reasons not to, for hope. Maybe in a couple of years I will be like the others here who are more commited (for lack of a better word).

    The only person I am remotely close to is my ex and he is busy with college, his new girlfriend, his new life. It is unfair of me to demand his attention constantly, even if we are still very close friends. It would have been unfair even if we were still dating.

    Maybe it's the part of me that thinks that there is the slightest possibility that things could change which keeps me from doing, as my ex calls it, 'something stupid.' Is there something I could do to make myself happier? If I were more active, made more friends, got a job..? Maybe it's just the anxieties of graduating and entering into college which have triggered this unraveling, even thought I've always been on the unstable side.

    This is just a silly little inner monolgue. I'd say about 70% of me wants to end this tonight. The idea that death is just one long peaceful rest is tantalizing. But what of the other 20%? 10% says suck it up and deal with the day to day misery for people like my ex who would be hurt by my death and the other 10% is stuck on the niave hopefulness that it could change, even if only slightly.

    I feel very alone tonight. :sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2008
  3. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    I feel fairely certain that nobody is going to bother replying to this, possibly due to the lack of an eye-catching title. Four dots doesn't exactly catch the attention. :mellow: But it helps to talk, even if there is nobody to talk with. Sometimes it's enough to get something off your articulate it.

    I'm new here. I'm 18. Since I was 14 I've been suffering from on and off depression. I recently was put on Abilify, Depakote, and Strettera for ADHD and Bipolar I Disorder. These drugs had the most atrocious side effects I have ever experienced and that includes the Medidate which led to 'manic symptoms' and subsequently to my diagnosis. I stopped taking the medication because of said side effects and am currently back on Medidate. I'm not certain whether I was wrongly diagnosed or if there is anything 'wrong' with me other than situational anxieties.

    My ex broke up with me a couple of months ago and, although I suffered on and off depression while we were dating, triggered my recent intense bout of depression. When he initially broke up with me I was extremely sucidal to the point of being quite reckless with the amount of sleeping and pain pills I was taking. It was more a dare game than an attempt. Just grab a handful and see what happens. I also said a lot of very manipulative and hurtful things to my ex which I now am really regretful for. I'm surprised he is still in contact with me after the things I've done.

    I've been sliding further and further into depression, anxiety, and isolation since then. I go to school and come striaght home, leaving no time to stay in communication with the few friends I have. Some days, such as today, I skip school because it feels like too much effort. I am ashamed of myself for being so lazy and weak that I cannot simply snap out of this and function like a normal, responsible human being. I have a lot of responsibilities at my school (the only yearbook/newspaper photographer, the only newspaper/yearbook editor as well as graphic designer for both, president and creator of the literature club, member of history club..) and I am letting them slip away. How am I going to cope with the stresses of college when I can't even deal with these trivial ones?

    Up until my ex broke up with me I was very invested in photography (which I had been planning on majoring in) but have since lost all pleasure in the activity. Now I have no idea what I will major in and this scares me. I've always wanted to be a writer, singer, and artist (since I was in second grade, my childhood dream) but all my creativity has been zapped away. I'm not sure if this loss of creativity is due to my depression or if I am depressed because I am no longer creative. I am terrified that I will never be creative again. If I am never creative again I will most certainly kill myself because I can not deal with my life without creativity. I keep hoping that it's just a writer's block due to a depression that will soon lift but that hope is waning.

    My dad recently quit his job as a preacher due to his own growing depression. Mom was plagued by fears that we would be thrown into extreme financial debt and would become homeless. She came to me more than once and said that we were going to have to move to grandmother's house. Both of my parents are dealing with their own severe depression and both are trying to find the right antidepressants. My dad is quite erratic, breaking his cellphone out of anger one day and screaming at us and joking and laughing the next. He spends a lot of our money on senseless things even though he is fully aware of our mounting debt. My parents are not paying for my college and my mom keeps me (unfortunately) well-informed of these financial stresses. (My parents and I have a...difficult relationship :mellow: )

    On top of these things (and many more that I do not feel like mentioning), the migrane prevention medicine is doing nothing to stop my migranes and I am in constant pain. Since I started taking the medidate again my insomnia has returned. For the past couple of nights I have barely slept.

    That's all I can think to say right now. I don't know. It's made me feel a little better to unload but I still feel very isolated and alone. I think I'm going to take a bunch of sleeping pills, I don't know. :sad: I know that my life is easy compared to other people's lives, which makes me feel even more guilty and selfish for being suicidal at all. Ironically, that fact makes me even more suicidal. I know that this post has been long-winded and I doubt if anyone will bother reading it (I don't blame you for not reading it) but it was still nice to write down the events and my feelings, try to help put things in perspective. I still don't know what I'm going to do, whether I'll take the sleeping pills or just go to sleep and wait another day.
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I feel for you. It would be so much easier if we were 100% suicidal. I guess that's why we suffer -- only a part of us wants to die.
  5. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    Sometimes I wish I could kill off the part of me that wants to die and leave the rest of me to live.

    If only it were that easy. :sad:
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    yep thats the trouble:sad: everything is so god damn hard in this world, please hold on for as long as you can, things may get better hopefully, and in the meantime we are here for you :hug:
  7. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    Thank you. Your reply is much appreciated. :smile:

    I think I'm going to wait another day and see how I feel. I sometimes fare better during the day because when I am on the medidate I generally feel on top of the world but as the evening wears on (and perhaps as the stimulant wears off) I begin to feel more and more depressed and suicidal.

    I guess I'll just wait and see. :sad:
  8. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    hi sweety, i know how it feels to have that guilt feeling. i feel guilty about posting sometimes because i feel selfish and inconsiderate as theyre others that have problems as well. everything my parents do for me i feel so selfish for i want to end my life righ tthen and there. i hate when my parents do things for me. things are hard i know sweetheart, and this is the first time in a couple of days now i even feel like posting anything. you deserve better though, and who knows, you might meet poeple you connect with really well here..i know it makes me feel better sometimes..^_^
  9. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    :hug: First off, I'm sorry for the guilt you feel...I know how it feels to feel guilty for everything. I know what you mean about feeling guilty about posting just seems like other people have more serious problems and that by posting my petty ones I am somehow making a mockery of theirs, if that makes any sense. I debated with myself whether or not I should even post these past couple of posts. And when I get very depressed my ability to articulate what I feel breaks down so much to the point of being almost incoherent. :unsure: It's very aggrivating.

    I've no doubt that I will meet worthwhile people here. After reading several threads, I get the sense that this is generally a community of people who genuinenly care about each other. :smile: Thanks for the reply. It makes me feel a lot better when I talk to people who make me realize that I am not the only one who feels the way I feel. It makes me feel less lonely.

    I've taken several sleeping pills...not enough to do any harm but still more than the recommended dosage :dry: ...which should begin to work soon. Hopefully I will be able to sleep soon. The less sleep I get, the more aggitated and paranoid I get. :rolleyes:
  10. Look, you seem like a smart kid with a thoughtful handle on things. Is it possible that it's all this medication you're taking that is screwing with you? What happens when you dont take any medication at all?
  11. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    It's hard to say really. I started getting depressed around the time I was 14. We'd moved to this really small town where I was viciously picked on and had no friends. Because of this I began to write what could be called 'depressive poetry'. My parents, upon reading said poetry, took me to a doc who prescribed me Zoloft, after asking my dad questions about my behaviour. I stopped taking the med on my own because it created a zombie-like effect and because I had begun some severe self-injury. Later I was put on the medications I have already mentioned. During the gaps in time where I haven't been on medication I have suffered from quite erratic and reckless behaviour. It's too much to go into right now, so you'll have to take my word for it. :wink:

    I don't know if my reaction to the small town was normal and not part of a chemical imbalance and therefore taking the zoloft (and later the other medication) sparked what could be called a 'normal response' in someone who has nothing technically wrong with them. It's hard to tell where the side effects end and the mentall illness begins. :dry: Recently, when I don't take the medidate I feel either severly depressed or completely apathetic though these might just be normal withdrawl symptoms. I think that during the summer I am going to stop taking all medications (aside from my anti-migrane medications) and see what happens. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I'll be able to focus on school without the medidate (it's for ADHD and it does help me focus).
  12. I would not recommend that you stop taking the meds all of a sudden because that actually CAN cause problems. Talk with your doctor first and find out what the procedure is to taper off them safely. Even if the doctor doesn't agree with you stopping them they should still be able to tell you how to do it if you don't want to take them any longer.
  13. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    The migrane medicine is also blood-pressure medicine so I know that I cannot stop taking it without tapering off.

    The medidate however is a stimulant which is taken on a daily basis and works immediately. The p'doc who prescribed it to me told me that I could stop taking it whenever I wished and recommended that I not take it over the weekends, so I know that it will be safe to stop taking it if I so choose.

    Thanks for your concern and yes, I believe the fact that I stopped taking the zoloft almost immediately and without informing either my parents or p'doc was part of the reason I crashed into an even worse depression than when I had been on it. :rolleyes: I was younger then and didn't understand that I couldn't just stop.
  14. justgettinby

    justgettinby Well-Known Member

    Yes, it would be nice if it was that easy, wouldn't it? But maybe you could work on improving and expanding on the part of you that you do like? Whatever it is you enjoy, keep doing it, or do it even more! Or find additional things that you could like, so eventually you can push out the "part of you that wants to die". Maybe not the most helpful suggestions, but I feel for you. You seem like a VERY strong person who's gone through a lot (i'm 22, so i know that even though we're young, we can still experience a lot of pain). But you've made it this far, you can keep going!!
  15. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    No, your suggestion is very helpful. The problem is that the things I am interested in are beginning to narrow down. I've lost interest in a lot of the things that had captivated me for so long and it has left me feeling as though there is no point in continuing. I've always wanted to be a writer, an artist, and a singer. I'm still working on novels that I began when I was 11 and 12. :smile: The problem is that I feel like I can't write anymore. I put the pen to paper or stare at the blank screen and the words that used to come so easily are now completely absent. It used to come so easily and now it is gone. I know that it is normal to have creative blocks, especially if you are depressed, but I still can't help but fear that this may never go away.

    I think a lot of my problems stem from my lack of confidence. When I'm on medidate (a stimulant, mind these effects are understandable) I feel overly confident and (used to!) extremely creative. Unfortunately, even the medidate isn't helping me in that aspect of my life anymore. I think the confidence, creativity, and depression are all linked together..if that makes any sense. :laugh:

    I think that what I may try to do is develope my relationships with other people and my social skills. When I am closer to the people in my life, I tend to feel more confident too. When I feel more confident, I tend to be more creative and less depressed. Sounds like a good plan, no? :tongue:

    At any rate, I'm beginning to feel more hopeful tonight. I think letting it out has done me some good, at least for the time being.
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