This proberbly won't make a lot of sense to anyone but im not gonna try explain, this is for me because it hurts too much and i need to get it ou because its been building up for months. One night in particular has been in my head since i got triggered by something else that happened not so long ago. 1st Day When i was younger about 10 - 11, my little brother was a few months old at the time. We'd just got back home from .... the pub of all places, yep my borhtes father loved to make my mum drive us all done to this pub in Holloway so he could get drunk, even on school nights. Seemed my mum didn't care. So we'd just got back, me and my other brother sitting on the sofa, i was watching my mum change my brother nappy, because he was soo cute and i was fasanated by him, i adored him. Brothers dad started having a go at my mum for something or other, they started shouting. Mum stood up. Still arguing, sitll shouting. He reaches out his fist and grabs her throat. I was in shock. Baby brother starts crying. I couldn't believe what i was seeing. I jumped up and tried to get him off my mum, kicked him as hard as i could in the leg but he just pushed me away. While i was trying to get him off my other brother ran into the kitchen and called the police. He finally calmed down and let go, then me and my other brother sat there in shock. The police arrived, the police women sat down with me and my brother and said 'so mum and dad been arguing then?' I remember what she said all this time because i was so angry when she said that, i just wanted to shout and day 'he's not my dad!' he was not my biological dad but tried to act like one! even tried to get me to call him dad! what kind of 'dad' does that! Mum simply said to the police that it was nothing and got them to leave. She has NO idea how much seeing that affect me. I don't even think she cared, if she had cared she wouldn't of let him get away with it. 2nd Day Me and my brother never really got along, 16 months age gap between us, we should of been close right? WRONG. It was like his life mission to put me down every chance he had, mentally and physically. Been kicked, punched, pushed into one of those thorn bush things, had thorns all on my arm and neck. Been hit in the face with a criket bat. Smacked over the leg with a pool cue. The one thing that stands out clearly is something that happened a few years after what had happened with my mum. As per usual a argument broke out between me and him. Was kicked and punched, you know the usual. Then he threw me on the sofa. Pinned me down, wrapped his hands around me neck and squezzed as hard as he could. I could see the anger in his eyes, iv never seen anything like it. I knew he wasn't gonna stop. I tried to fight him off but i couldn't, i wasn't strong enough. I started to feel faint and light headed, i was trying to make as much noise as i could because my mums boyfriend (my step dad now) was in the kitchen. I don't know if i managed to make enough noise or not but he came into the living room and saw what was happening. He had to fight him off me, even he had a hard time getting him off me but he managed to. I was so upset over what had happened and even my step dad didnt seem to give a toss, he told my mum what had happened she didnt say one word about it. Had his hand prints around my neck and not one time did she ask if i was okay. Just simply forgot about it, guess that hurt more than what had actually happened. 3rd Day Was chatting to a friend of mine and she was on web cam to me. I was in bed at the time so i couldn't really see her on the camera but it was still on. She was upset. Actually i think upset is an understatement, she was having multiple panic attacks. Would have one then calm down and then have another one. Honestly i've never been so scared in my life. I didn't know what to say or do, incase i made it worse and in some parts of it i feel i did. Trying to calm someone i really care about when their in a state like that and im starting to follow down the route they we're going. I had having panic attacks because they was panicing. We was talking about their past, she told me things she'd told no one else before. She made herself the promose to never tell anyone but ended up telling me. Then it blew up again. She freaked. Everything went quite all of a sudden. Im still laying down in bed. I hear this sound. I know EXACTLY what the sound is because i've heard it before and its the exact same noise i was making when the thing happened with my brother. I jumped out of bed, im serious i jumped out of bed as fast as i could. Grabbed the mouse on the computer and put the web cam up. The thing i expected to find was on my screen. Someone i truely care about strangling themselfs. I panicked so much that i nearly passed out. How can i sit there and watch someone i care about strangle themselfs and not be able to do anything about it! i felt like my heart had been ripped out because there was nothing a could physically do to stop her. I just started shouting for her to stop and thankfully she did. This was only a few months ago so ever since then its just brought back everytime from before, things that i thought i'd finally managed to put behind me. Just everything is been playing in my head. The feeling, the sight of it, the sound. I will NEVER forget the sound i heard from her. It scared me so damn much and i had no idea what to do. I dunno why im writing this, guess i wanna just let everything out, i really don't need to let things build up in the next few weeks.