3 hours

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Wastingecho, Feb 26, 2014.

  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    that's about the total amount of time that i am awake to spend with my family monday thru friday

    get home about 6, make dinner most nights, to bed at 9 - hopefully before i've fallen asleep on the couch and get to hear "why don't you just go to bed" in THAT tone of voice

    and the time between is filled with such joy

    listening to my daughters arguing with my wife - coin toss on which one will start it

    telling my wife she can't keep spending money on online games - almost $200 in the last month - then having to listen to the whining about it

    one daughter making plans now to move to ohio and get an apartment with a friend there

    other just got notice that her application to teach in the phoenix area of arizona is being reviewed - she can't wait to leave either

    then essentially i get to turn into the caretaker for my son, my wife, and her sister

    lately 3 hours seems like an eternity
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I am sorry W.E. to learn about your evenings and that your wife is spending money unwisely like that. You are a saint to make dinner for them all and have to be caretaker and listen to the arguing..... Have you tried standing in the middle of the kitchen, screaming out loud: "IF ANYONE IS PERHAPS REMOTELY INTERESTED IN LISTENING TO THE CATERER/CARETAKER AROUND HERE - I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM NOT DOING THIS ANY MORE THE WAY YOU EXPECT FOR ANY OF YOU - IT'S MY TIME NOW AND I'D LIKE SOME CARE-TAKING/CATERING DONE FOR ME!!" If you can imagine their likely response, what do you think would happen?
    Is there a physical reason why your wife is unable to cook dinner - maybe I am assessing her too harshly if she is in a wheelchair or something. But your daughters are grown enough to be able to help out. Is there any prospect of finding some sort of family therapy for you all? Your situation does need to be healed for the sake of your own health, W.E. Glad you are able to communicate it to the forum to seek advice and what others think about which way to turn/what to do. [I give that scenario above from putting myself in your shoes and - probably it's what I would do faced with what you're faced with.] Obviously, you know your situation better and it might not work, in which case, don't..... but on the other hand it might just dislodge them all out of their complacency and misbeliefs that they can continue to use you like that.
     
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    How do you feel about the wife spending 200 on the online game?
     
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    spending the money on the game? angry and i let her know it

    no reason she can't cook other than she's become lazy and feels entitled - she bought this marsala cooking sauce that i use with chicken breasts and serve over instant rice - wanted me to make it and my daughter said why didn't she - wife says "i don't know how" - daughter points out that the instructions are on the package and aren't that hard to follow - this is then capped off by my wife saying "why should i" and a stunned silence and disbelieving looks from everyone in the room

    then it got worse

    welcome to a typical night-in-the-life

    she loves to point out all the things that NEED to be done - clean off the table, do the dishes, change the cat box - but won't do it herself because it's not what she wants to do - then she gets alternately defensive or angry when she gets called on it

    last night she was looking up tickets for billy joel at madison square garden for next december (9 months away) and wanted to buy two tickets at $200 each - i'm the sane (ha ha) one and tell her no after pulling my hand out of my back pocket demonstrating that i cannot simply pull money out of my ass

    everything is so broken i don't know if it can be fixed - not even sure i want it fixed - just over one way or other
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I can appreciate your feelings there W.E - but there is a skill that can be learned, and it's called how to push-back. But, it's done in such a way as to avoid sarcasm and defensiveness. The trick to pushing back is that it is done in a loving spirit - difficult I know when you're feeling so frayed at the edges, the temptation to let rip must be enormous. However, you ALL of you stand to gain heaps, by you first taking this on board yourself, for your own well-being. You will then feel good that you have found something that at least has the promise to work at a solution - and feeling-good feelings are essential for one's own self-esteem, so look upon it as doing this for YOU, never mind the others at first, they are more likely to come on board with it, when it starts to penetrate that atmospheres can change and that the family is worth fighting for to save from descending into a darker place where no one really wants to be.

    OK, the example of a push-back (again putting myself in your shoes) would be: "Honey, (if you are able!)..... I understand marriage to be similar to 2 souls riding a tandem bike, and the way it works best is that we look out for each other and swop around when the pedalling up the front gets too much. I feel I'm pretty close to wanting to hand some of the responsibility for our pedalling over to you, because you're perfectly able to do it, and ... I'm prepared to be vulnerable here, and ask you for some more assistance in the things you are able to do to help keep this bike on the road"

    All power to you W.E. as you consider this, I wish you all the strength in the world...... (I know how hard it can be opening up to a dominating family member, believe me, but the opportunity it presents is an invitation to us to upskill and empower, I promise you :)
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hard to see your children grow up and leave the nest i hope the best for your daughters Now you will have more time to devote to your son hun hugs to you
     
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't trust my wife with responsibility at this point

    she gets the car insurance bills, looks at them, then loses them - i end up making payments a few days before the policy is about to get canceled

    she may, occasionally, tell me that she will make dinner - then decides she is too tired before i get home - then if i make the hot dogs we have instead of going out to get chinese, all i hear is "ugh - kid food"

    it's like walking around a gunpowder company carrying a sparkler
     
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    How does your wife spend her waking hours W.E? Does she have any employment outside the home? Sit on the couch and watches soaps all day? If you can't trust her with any responsibility at the moment, can you take control of the situation by using the tandem bike push-back do you think (or similar?) Ask her if she thinks the family needs some therapy for everyone's sake - and if she say's "there's nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else" say "That's not how I see it honey, we need help because we could function so much better."
    She might say "Well, I'm happy enough" - etc. but it's all about her and she is running you into the ground. You DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS. Has she been diagnosed with a depressive complaint that makes her so lethargic, does she have M.E. (properly diagnosed)? Maybe it would be worth a doctor's visit to get her physically checked out?
     
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    she reads, plays games, watches tv, goes out for lunch, shopping

    kind of tries to find bookkeeping work, temp work, interviews

    but when she finds something all i hear "they only let me take 30 minutes for lunch" or "it starts at 7:30 and that's too early" or "they want me to answer phones and do collection calls - i hate that"

    and then i have to remind her that (1) we need the money, (2) the hours beat mine hands down, (3) her commute is worlds better than mine, and (4) jobs are so hard to find that she needs to hold onto one and look for a better one if it's not "perfect"

    but anything that is a personal inconvenience makes it "impossible"
     
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    OK well then sanctions are called for, because this is a totally intolerable state of affairs W.E. Somehow she has to be made to see that she is using you to support her indolence and abuse of your finances. There's a verse in the Bible that says "He/(she) who will not work, let her not eat" - it isn't that she cannot work, but that she will not work. Can you try to organise your income so that she is unable to do the things she does? As you are the only breadwinner at the moment, you are entitled to know where the money goes. If her misbeliefs about how she is able to treat you and get away with it, begin to cause her to think better, for herself and her own future and self-esteem, then it will be worth the short-term pain (when she realises you mean business) for the long-term gain = a more pleasant life for you all. She does need to be made to see this W.E. I wish you all the strength in the world - I won't be here for the next 3 weeks due to visitors/vacation, but will be thinking of you for sure. p.s. I'm just wondering what your adult daughters think about it all, and whether together you could see a counsellor rather than battle on alone?
     
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't work with counselors, therapists, etc...

    literally cannot talk - I just shut down completely
     
  12. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Im always shutting down in thearpy, I just cannot talk about my feelings at all so youre not alone. Its hard to go session after session throwing my money away when I just dont talk. I stare at the floor and say I have nothing to say because I just shut down when I try to talk to my thearpist I try to talk but theres nothing in my head coming out to form words but there are some breaking points and today's session after 6 solid months of getting no where I am finally starting to talk. I've been with that thearpist for over a year and just shut down over the summer.
     
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    glad you're able to make some kind of breakthrough

    i just can't work with therapists any more