So I am still doing incredibly well with the whole keeping a clear head and standing up to my family, finally brushing off their comments and just being me. I also stopped taking my meds to escape and am learning to cope in healthy ways (like dying my hair and obsessing over tea instead drugs). I even came to the realization I really WANT to LIVE. I have moments where I freak out and I am not jumping ahead of myself thinking I am all cured when really I am just having a good week (also I lost my spark, my zest, I am still kind of monotone and unable to feel much) but I'm moving along. Times to address my other issues. The last few months my issue is my face, my body, my looks... I used to be blond but I dyed my waist length hair red for a change and I am digging it but my hair isn't beautiful anymore. The thing is my hair is all I had. Like the only thing that made me stand out against my model of a sister. She is brown eyes and brown haired but like gorgeous and I am not beautiful but I had this rich honey sunlight hair people adored. Now I am nothing compared. I hate my face, hate myself really. I know I dyed my hair for a change but deep down I think it was punishment to myself. I fucked up. I look at myself in the mirror and cry. I think of cutting my face or shaving my head, I need to lose like a ton fo weight and my mom asks me how my diet is going every other day (I'm not on one and it's just offensive, I would be worse but she says the same to my sister who doesn't need one so it takes an edge off). I hate myself I hate myself and I don't know how to be beautiful or even pretty. I can abandon all my family and work and friend drama and issues but how do you escape yourself? I look at myself and literally feel disgust and I throw up sometimes. I have been scouting pro ana sites looking for help on how to drop down and then I'm like this is sick, get over one sickness with another? I might be too screwy to save people.