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3 Issues Down, 1,000,000 To Go

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BlondRedHead, Jul 18, 2009.

  1. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    So I am still doing incredibly well with the whole keeping a clear head and standing up to my family, finally brushing off their comments and just being me. I also stopped taking my meds to escape and am learning to cope in healthy ways (like dying my hair and obsessing over tea instead drugs). I even came to the realization I really WANT to LIVE. I have moments where I freak out and I am not jumping ahead of myself thinking I am all cured when really I am just having a good week (also I lost my spark, my zest, I am still kind of monotone and unable to feel much) but I'm moving along. Times to address my other issues.

    The last few months my issue is my face, my body, my looks... I used to be blond but I dyed my waist length hair red for a change and I am digging it but my hair isn't beautiful anymore. The thing is my hair is all I had. Like the only thing that made me stand out against my model of a sister. She is brown eyes and brown haired but like gorgeous and I am not beautiful but I had this rich honey sunlight hair people adored. Now I am nothing compared. I hate my face, hate myself really. I know I dyed my hair for a change but deep down I think it was punishment to myself. I fucked up. I look at myself in the mirror and cry. I think of cutting my face or shaving my head, I need to lose like a ton fo weight and my mom asks me how my diet is going every other day (I'm not on one and it's just offensive, I would be worse but she says the same to my sister who doesn't need one so it takes an edge off). I hate myself I hate myself and I don't know how to be beautiful or even pretty. I can abandon all my family and work and friend drama and issues but how do you escape yourself? I look at myself and literally feel disgust and I throw up sometimes. I have been scouting pro ana sites looking for help on how to drop down and then I'm like this is sick, get over one sickness with another?

    I might be too screwy to save people.
  2. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    From the first part of your post - it sounds like you are really making great progress!

    Also, can't you work on dyeing you hair a color close to your natural color so that as it grows back it will look more "natural"?

    What I found when I was disgusted with my weight and appearance - is first not to compare myself with anyone but myself and what I wanted to do with what I had to work with....

    Then - no real diet since none have ever worked for me - but sleeping regularly, and exercising regularly and otherwise keeping busy.

    Healthy in mind and body will last much longer than outward appearance! My mom used to tell me to spend twice as much time on my inner beauty and helping others as I did in front of a mirror....She was right. Sounds like you already have the fight and insight to do that.
  3. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Coming to the realization that I actually WANTED to live was the biggest step on my way to getting control over my depression/suicidal thoughts, so congratulations.

    As far as your hair, i think red hair is absolutely gorgeous so you wont get any complaints out of me :p As far as losing weight(if you actually need to, the majority of women I hear this from look great just have a low self image, and you probably look fine) I have always told people to train for performance first and the look they want will follow. Its the simple mindset of always trying to beat your personal best in whatever it is your doing... weight lifting, swimming, running, find something you enjoy and just try to compete against your previous best. Like Tbear said, try to live a healthy lifestyle and in time it will all fall in place. You sound like a great person and it saddens me that you have these negative self thoughts, I hope in time you can get rid of them :hug: