This would be the day that I didn't die. One day I just gave up and thought that if I sacrificed myself, then my children could have been helped more than if I was still around. Then I took my children to their mother and told them I was going far away. The next day went to a hotel for one night, took a shower, left my stuff, went out to a hardware store to get stuff for my purposes. As I didn't want to end up in a hospital or a wheelchair, I decided to sacrifice myself in three different ways, one was going to be XXX of the freeway, the second having the airbag push some XXXX organs and the third was XXXXX myself, I know it sounds like a horror movie but I really wanted to make sure it would work one way or another. The next day I headed to a parking lot, took a piece of cardboard and started perforating it with (20) 3" screws, put it only chest and attached it with duct tape, you couldn't move it, it was rigid enough to stay vertical against my chest, so when the car would crash and the airbag would activate, XXXX my organs and making me bleed. After that I proceeded to prepare the XXX, which would start immediately damaging my liver, esophagus, stomach, heart, lungs and other organs according to the caution messages on the labels, beforehand at the hotel I had made XXXX of A...., X...., and t....., medicine, in addition to d..... soap, acid to c...., f....., and glue for c....., once it was all mixed, I left to the crashing site. Once I was close to the place I had planned to XXXXX looked at it and then proceeded to drink the whole thing, it felt like jumping from a building, there was no going back now, I was dying by having XXX myself, I made sure there was enough space in front of me as I was approaching the freeway curve where I was going to get out of the road to crash with XXXXX, as I was getting close it was hard picking which column to crash with, I was afraid to miss, but then I went straight down on one of them at 120MPH and bam, XXXwith it. It was all dark, I thought I had died, but felt I was still stucked inside the car, kept looking for the light but couldn't find it, at that moment I realized crashing had not killed me,*Never did I loose consciousness, I then realized the roof of the car was almost touching my head and that the airbag had being deployed as it had broken my nose and chick-bone (By the way, *I saw pictures of the car, it was completely demolished, the front of the car on the copilot side went all the way to the second seat row and the motor disappeared to where my right leg was, front demolished, roof, sides and even back, there was only a small space untouched, where I was). There was only darkness. At that moment I knew I was alive but still dying as the screws most certainly had gone inside my body, perforated the organs, I should be bleeding and soon all my body would start to shut down, plus I had XXX myself. "God, Where is the light, take me with you" I thought when all of a sudden there was fire burning my right leg, I could move but I didn't, not even slightly, I could cry or yell, I felt no pain, just said to God "here I come, now it's my time", by then, I could feel my right hand burning and I was feeling the fire closer to my face. People yelling were approaching, I left my eyes closed and pretended to be unconscious (it was a combination of not wanting to talk to anyone and just waiting to die as well as shame of what I had done), they moved the car or bent it (I couldn't see what they were doing) in order to reach me, they were talking about taking me out of the car, but one man didn't let them, he told them my neck or spine could be injured, then he yelled at the people to bring water as I was burning, I could feel the panic in his voice, I felt guilty of making him feel this way, people came back with some water bottles which were not enough to stop the fire, someone started shooting a fire extinguisher at me, first all over my face which I thought it was funny as the fire was below, then he did put the fire out, the man holding me was yelling at other people to call the fire department and to let them know that the fire was starting again, he kept yelling for water, no one had any left, so I thought "now, this is my time, here I come God", I could feel the fire burning me, I could smell my skin burning and still didn't move a bit or opened my eyes, I had never heard so much panic in somebody's voice as that of the man holding me, yelling that I was burning. Then we could hear the siren approaching, the fire men got down really quick with the fire hose in hand, getting the fire off right away (I couldn't believe what a long time it was taking me to die), cut the door in an instant, (I think they put the neck holder at this time, but not 100% sure), I was still pretending to be unconscious, they were pulling me out, but my right leg was really stuck and they were almost ripping it, so I pulled them back and then pulled my leg out twisting it without hurting it more (they couldn't see down there), I should be bleeding by now, but they opened my shirt and got the cardboard out, all the screws had gone sideways, not a single scratch, they were chromed, by the force of the airbag, the chrome coat got all over my chest, they threw them away not knowing what that was (I couldn't believe my second way to do it had not worked either, but don't forget, I am still poisoned), they*got me on the stretcher and in the ambulance, once there it was all a rush of them getting an oxygen mask, there were a bunch of medications applied to me, I overheard that my femur was broken, my leg and my hand burned and several lacerations all over, they couldn't figure out why I was unconscious. Got to the nearest trauma hospital, got me into emergency room, again, couldn't figure out why I was unconscious, I heard them saying that it looked like my neck and spine had being broken, kind of scary to hear it. Was sent next to the ICU (intensive care unit), again, couldn't figure out why I was unconscious, but luckily I didn't get a tube in the throat as they realize I didn't need it, they took X-rays of my whole body, they also got MRIs of my whole spine, every single section as well as of my brain ( to see if something had being damaged as I shouldn't be unconscious), I peeked and saw an army of doctors and nurses trying to figure out what was going on and doing all kind of tests, there was someone playing with my broken leg ( the burn was on the same leg from the foot to half way of the femur), then he said "it is impossible that he doesn't feel this, we have to cut the leg", those words made me come back from my fake unconsciousness, as I said "I can feel that", they told me that they needed to operate immediately, I *told them I wanted to die and that I couldn't pay for the hospital, a doctor asked me if I had insurance and I said no followed by me asking him if they were going to throw me in the street like you see on TV, he promised me they wouldn't and that they would take care of me, but they needed to operate, I said to him "if you operate I am going to die, because there is something else I haven't told you, I need to talk to a priest first", they agreed and left me alone, I closed my eyes again as I was so embarrassed, the priest arrived after some time, so did a social worker and the hospital psychiatrist, I opened my eyes, then the priest asked me what was it that I wanted to tell him, I told him I tried to kill myself and that I still wanted to die as I was ashamed of what I had done, he asked me to tell him what happened, so I did, he told me it was a miracle and that God had a mission for me, then I told them that now I really wanted to live, but that I had XXX myself, then they all start crying and i thought it was strange, one of the doctors tells me "we did all kinds of tests in you for any type of poison and there is not a single drop in you", not even a stomach ache, it just banished, so the priests goes like, see, God has a huge mission for you and he will not let you go. From that moment, there is no one in this world that wants to live more than me. The nurses kept talking about the glass in my chest, I thought it was strange, I looked, it was the chrome coating all over. I was not transferred to a psychiatric facility as I didn't have insurance (once you are out of the hospital nobody takes you in, only I got there because it was an emergency, I stayed there for almost one month, some doctors wanted me out soon, but others wouldn't allow it and were very nice on delaying it one way or another, to let me out ready to walk in crutches, I was being watched 24 hrs as they had to make sure I didn't hurt myself, luckily they were all the nicest people, same as the nurses, I received so much love in that time that when they moved the 24 hr person away from me I felt like if I was poising my right arm and the day I left I was scared, I didn't want to leave, I was very lucky. One other thing I want to mention is that as I was in the hospital I was very friendly to everyone, so they were back to me, I knew most of the nurses and assistance nurses in the floor, the therapists, doctors, nutritionists, the cleaning crew, kitchen people, the ministers, pastors, volunteers, if I got a cake I forced everyone to have a slice or I wouldn't allow them to help me, I talked to them, told my story to almost all of them (sometimes I was just too tired), same as I told all my relatives and friends that came over, now, the weird part of it was that after I told them the story, they would open to me in the strangest way, I heard so many stories of wanting to suicide from them, the saddest and most suffering life stories that you can imagine (I had to stop them sometimes from so many details as I couldn't even hear it), a cousin and a friend told me they had being wanting to suicide for a long time, they all told me that they had never told those things to any one and that they were telling me only because of what I had done, so there I am, giving people advice of how to pray for those that they hate, what to do with their house that they couldn't pay, to leave their abusive relationship, how to help others, but I was most proud to help that cousin and that friend to not think about suicide and telling them all the things that could have happened to me (die, paralyze, vegetative state, damaged organs for life, lost limbs, burned all over, etc, etc, etc), they left very happy, promising they would never do it, now I keep calling them to check on them, helping people made me feel a better human being, I think that is the path I will be taking. Next is a list of events throughout my life that may have pushed me into suicide, after loosing the house, it was like a non stop domino effect: -Abortion survivor, my mother didn't want to have me, she drank ashes for two days and bled a lot, she thought she had aborted me, prayed and prayed and I was born, first chance God let me know that he has a mission for me -wetting my bed everyday for years -Parents were never there (they had lost all their money after a hurricane and were always in that bubble of time, couldn't forget it) -Parents always fighting -Lack of parent's love expression -School problems, great grades, but always being kicked out for bad behavior -Rebelion -Excessive fights at school with other kids -Stopped wetting my bed at 16 years old the day that my mother confessed to me that she tried to abort me ( I'm only confessing to this so you can see how some things that we think had nothing to do with what happens to us, I was not even born (was alive and it bothered me for 16 years) -Alcoholism - 20 to 30 drinks per night, almost every night -Cigarrette addiction -Recovered alcoholic - I don't like to drink, but once every two weeks I have 2 or 3 beers without wanting any more -Recovered Cigarette smoker, haven't smoked in 10 years -non treated bipolar wife abused physically my children and me -Financial abuse (wife overspending as part of her sickness) -Legal Separation (every two months there is a new issue at the court from the ex-wife, the whole process has being a joke as most psychological studies agree that the children are better with the mother, so I got full custody fighting and fighting, yelling at the judge, dealing with all the nonsense of Women Protective Services, oops, I meant Children's, it is like if I am the enemy and by the way, the social worker of CPS went to the hospital the second day I was there and she was the only person that wanted to make me feel like a criminal in the whole time I was there) -Single father -Foreclosure -Bankruptcy -Layed off- ex-wife helped getting me layed off -Unemployed - I am an expert in my field, 13 years of experience, but there is no work related to it whatsoever until the economy recovers, for every other job, I was over qualified -Moved to sister's house with children, sleeping on the floor where my sister's dog sometimes peed, children asking me why we were sleeping on the floor -Runned out of money -Relatives very negative and hurtful, I kept telling them not to as I was very fragile, but they just made fun of it, I noticed that the more down that you are, when you are in despair with no money and no place to leave, people feel entitled and with the right to treat you like a second class human or make you feel like shit because "you made all the wrong decisions", all those things hurt like a knife and break you down in a million pieces -Suicide -----------------UTurn to the right path -Suicide survivor -Miracle (according to everyone, including pastors and priests) -God's call -Lost Children's custody -Happy in all the ways, miss the children, but it's good as I need to put my life together, they are with their mother, at least for two years she's being forced to take therapy and meds, hopefully she is the best mother now, I talk to my children everyday and I have the every two weekends over under the supervision of my mother as they are not supposed to be alone with me, according to CPS, I am a dangerous person with suicidal tendencies that can kill his own children, well, the way I see it is like this: two months ago I was leaving my children without a father, I was ready to kill myself, so now, even though we will not be together for sometime, they still have a father, they are part of my mission with God as well. I thank God every day and I ask him for guidance, I am studying the bible (read the book of Job, it will show you how a good man is put to live in misery in every way, but he keeps it together and never stops being a good man or takes his life), reading finance books, coming up with business ideas, looking for a job, exercising, taking care of my burn and learning to walk without crutches, reaching out to friends, starting to look for social groups to join, places to volunteer, taking therapy, taking my medicine (although I had stopped taking the pain medicine, still hurts a little but I can handle it and yesterday the psychiatrist put me to the test without meds, let's see how it goes), resting when needed, 4 days ago I did a small job for a client, studying a lot about suicide as I want to start a group, become a counselor or church minister, to help others, eating well, although I am loosing a lot of weight, staying away from negativity (think as if you are born again, you didn't come back to let all those things that bothered you before do it to you again), checking on my family and friends, making sure they don't have any guilt feelings for what I did, letting people help me, asking them for things (to call, walk me, take me out), etc, trying to stay busy, improving, preparing myself better, but specially feeling happy and grateful, appreciating more the sunshine, sunset, rain, leaves, sky and all those beautiful things that I had decided I was never to see again for some problems that are nothing compared to other's, by the way, I still have my problems, in addition to the hospital fee and outpatient fees, but it doesn't bother me at all, I am solving all of them without any pressure and knowing that God will provide if I ask for it. Note: I was very lucky, it started like a horror movie and ended up a nice story, but in no way I want anybody to think that I am trying to say that suicide is a good thing, but I do want to reach to those that survived and instead of being angry, realize that they are survivors, they are brave people (it takes a lot of courage to do it), that God loves them and he gave them a second chance, that they are here for a reason and with a mission, don't take that for granted, don't go away, God and us will need you at some point; And for those of you thinking of trying it for the first time, I recommend you to instead of reading on wikipedia what methods to use to kill yourself, do some research on suicide attempt survivors and you will see that only like 10% die, and most of the others are damaged in unimaginable ways, most of the ones that are not damaged physically are damaged spiritually and psychologically and keep trying it forever, also, please go and visit a group in your community of Suicide Survivors (it is for the relatives of people that have died by suicide, I know, the title doesn't make sense), I want you to see how much they are suffering even after 20-30 years, how guilty they feel, how angry they are, because that will be your family's future, suicide is never good, change and enjoy life. God bless your soul, relieve you from all that pain and suffering and surround you by goodness.