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3 years on...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Pentacle, Jul 5, 2008.

  1. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    Summer is always a difficult time for me, from what has happened in the past, and not a week goes past when I can't count at least one day as an anniversary for something. Well, next week would be the 3rd anniversary for something I regret with all my heart, but at the same time, I thank my decision.

    I was dating a monster at the time. I was 14, nearly 15, and he was 20. I was very niave, and flattered that this older guy was showing me so much attention.
    Don't get me wrong, I'd dated before then, but I was going off the rails.
    I was regularly taking drugs; mostly weed, or hash, but this one particular night I tried Ecstacy. One pill was enough and I was comatose.
    I woke up the next morning in excruciating pain down below... I just didn't click on to why I was in pain until a few days after, when the effects of the E pill had worn off.
    He'd had sex with me whilst I was comatose, against my will, yet I was so niave I didn't class it as rape until I spoke to my best friend.
    She persuaded me to go to the doctors, I was reluctant because I didn't want him to know I'd taken drugs. I thought I was to blame for the whole thing I never thought for a moment that he had done anything wrong. I thought that everyone would shout at me, and hate me for getting him into trouble. I also convinced myself that people would accuse me of lying.
    I made an excuse to my doctor, I told him that I'd fallen down the stairs. This Doctor had been my doctor all through my childhood and during my accident, when I was in the wheelchair. I don't think even he expected me to lie to him. I'm not a liar by nature. He believed every word I said.
    Until I missed my period... I've always been regular, right from day one. Every 28 days on the dot with out fail so when it didn't come that first day I panicked staight away.
    I was pregnant by the monster. I spent weeks crying myself to sleep, and locking myself away. Using my Nan's death as an excuse, my mother left me to it.
    I ended up telling my best friend about the pregnancy, and she was the one who held my hand during the abortion. I was 7 weeks gone by the time I had it.
    That was 3 years ago.

    I never believed that my life could change so much...
  2. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Awwww hun im so so sorry you had to go through that, I'm here whenever you need me :handinhan :wub: xxx becca xxx
  3. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    :handinhand: Yeah, I know :)

    My doctor has since retired, but we still keep in contact. He told me that he'd believed what I said because he had hoped that I wouldn't keep abuse a secret any more.
    I told him what happened when I missed my period. He was so nice and has kept my secret ever since.
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    in the future i don't believe it at all matters what the guy or anyone else thinks for that matter. let it be known gawd forbid that were to ever happen again.

    i went through something a little similar to you, and i also got pregnant. however, i went through with the pregnancy and gave him up in an open adoption. his parents let us see him every week and are always giving us pictures of him. i have a son and daughter from my marriage so this is their baby brother who is now 3 yrs old. it's wonderful to be a part of his life as well as a "little" hard sometimes to face. i love him dearly though and i wouldn't change a thing.

    please take care
  5. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    It is something I do regret on a daily basis. I see my brothers children, and my cousin is pregnant and I regret the good times.
    Then I think to myself, I would have been 15 when I gave birth, and I was an incredibly immature person at the time.
    I'm now with an amazing person who is a strict Christian, and strongly disagrees with abortion. He was shocked at what I told him, and was quite angry at me when I told him.

    My child would be two years old this year.
  6. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    It was three years ago today.

    Like my heart isn't already tearing in too, he has to judge me for it...
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear about the horrors of that night and what followed because of it. I know the decision must have been a difficult one for you. While I am not for abortion, I can understand why you did things the way you did. You are right that you would not have been ready to raise a child, especially under those circumstances. Do not let anyone judge you. They cannot walk in your shoes.
  8. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    I hate just the thought that ended an innocent life. Especially because on the same day there were so many innocent people being killed in London.

    I've been beating myself up about it for so long, I can't forgive myself, I can't look at the future. I can't move on.
    I'm such a maternal person, I adore children, I want a football team. I wont ever forget my first, I wont ever forget because it is still a part of me.
    Some days I just want to scream at the world, tell it to stop time, to reverse it. Just so I can go back to that day and change my mind.
  9. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    uuggh ive typed and changed this post so much im giving up on it. im just gona say: I hope ur bf's amazing enough to not hold that against you and comfort you about it after he gets over beng angry about it
  10. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    I hope so too.