3 years

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by chrislink, Sep 1, 2006.

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  1. chrislink

    chrislink New Member

    After reading the warm welcome i received in the "welcome section" i finally decided to tell you guys a bit of what happened to me.

    I've been feeling depressed for 3 years now: it's started just after i finished highschool when i started a HND to become a film editor. At the time it was the only thing i wanted. But after 2 month, i already wanted to quit. But my best friend told me to go on studying and i listened to her. The whole year was awful, but i went on. Finally, it started to get worse at the beginning of the holidays: i was supposed to do a training period in a production company but i didn't because i couldn't find one. I didn't say anything to my teachers and i lied to my school mates telling them i was ok.

    I first attempted suicide in June 2004. I failed and my best friend got me to the hospital. That day became one of the worse of my life when i saw my mom's face there. She was crying so much, she couldn't understand, she didn't know anything because i rarely spoke to my family. I can't even describe how it made me feel at that point. Anyway, i had only took 3 pills so it was nothing and i got out an hour later. My father didn't realised or didn't care, my brother didn't care either. My mom said everything would be different, she said that if i needed anything i should ask, she said i didn't have to come on holidays with them (i hated it). I came nevertheless when they asked me to. I knew that nothing had changed and i kept crying myself to sleep, praying i would be dead when the morning come.

    I didn't want to go through the second year of y HND, but i did when my teacher asked me to. I came back to class 2 weeks after the start. It was great in the beginning, nothing like the 1st year. I had to go to a counselor and he was kind of nice, even if i didn't feel like he was really helping me. But it changed in only 2 weeks. I started to take pills again at lunch for 3 month.

    From november to march, i stopped taking pills but i didn't felt better. I was always tired (i didn't have any break during the year: had to do the training period) and i lied to the counselor so i finally could stop seing him. Things got worse again at the end of school year, during my exams. I attempted suicide a third time (i failed the second one because my mother interrupted me and asked: "you're not going to take pill, are you?") it was the most serious attempt becasue this time i emptied the bottle of pills. I felt even worse when it didn't kill me: i merely felt sick for about a week. Finally, i didnt try again (i had no pills anyways), passed my exams and got my degree. But it didn't made me feel better.

    I'm so sorry that this post i really long and probably boring... There is so much more that i want to say but i'm really tired now. I'm gonna tell you more tomorrow, about my dad, my friends and other things that happened and made me felt lonelier than ever. And i'm sorry my english really sucks.:unsure:

    Chris
     
  2. killorbee

    killorbee Active Member

    hey guy i know it must be rough for you. I have had a battle with depression since the age of 14 and im now 30. Im just starting to realize what makes me happy. The bad thing though is that im sick all the time and on medications. I have social anxiety disorder, I used to starve myself for weeks at a time cause i thought i was to fat. I have major panic attacks about two times a month currently. I know things must really suck for you. Cause i wanted to kill myself about 4 years out of my depression years. I have put the gun down twice in my life after i pointed it to my head. But now im glad I did. I am more happy now then ever. You must believe in yourself. that is the first step to being happy. If you think you suck at everything. You will suck at everything. I know I have felt like I could not do anything. But you must tackle this in small goals. Like i fist told myself I would do 100 pushups. then i did it. I was happy and proud. It starts with something as simple as that. I am not trying to be a doctor or counselor. Im just telling you small steps and small goals adding up to big goals is the way to go. Do things you like. there must be something you like to do. Keep your self busy with stuff you like. I love rock music. So im always surrounded by a bunch of rock albums that make me feel good. just remeber to do what you want,, and dont do what others want you to do. So stay strong im trying my best too. peace and good luck in the future.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Jason
     
  3. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Chris,
    Just wanted to add that your English does not suck and your experiences are NOT boring. It is your life and your challenges. I am glad that you shared and hope you will see that others battle too.
    post when u can.
    pals,

    TLA
     
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