30-year-old, unemployed, and may never be able to work again

[Lux5]

Hi,

I am feeling extremely suicidal now. I have just quit my job on Thursday - It was a professional, high-paying job, but I just can't handle the stress because of my mental illness (I have bipolar disorder, mostly on the low side). I am looking for another accounting job again, but I have the sick feeling that even if I found another job, I wouldn't be able to hold it for very long. My father was trying to tell me that I think too negatively. But I think there is a history of failure in my life I can not escape. I simply can not finish what I started. I now see my life at a point that I can no longer move forward. I want to kill myself, perhaps by hanging. But people tell me I should give it another try. I have given life second chance again and I failed. What can prove that I will succeed in my third try. I don't know why I am coming to this forum to post. But I just want to tell people my story. I feel sick to my stomach.

 

[Lux5]

I also forgot to mention, I spent all of my 20s studying. I got a bachelor degree from an ivy league university and a master's degree in accounting. But I was always struggling. I doubt it would be any different if I change career or keep doing what I am doing. I am so stuck in this miserable life. I just want to end it all.

 

[Lux5]

Someone please reply to me. Anything. I just want to know someone else out there knows my pain.

 

[gwalchmei]

It's okay. You're going to make it through this. I'm going through a similar situation. Have you tried to go for help with your disorder? And maybe it's how you look at the things in your life. I don't know what your situation is, but you do have some good things going for you. The real struggle in life is not in getting what we want, but wanting what we've got. I know it probably doesn't feel right now like you have any good things going for you. But at the very least, you've got us, here. If you need help, I'll try to do what I can. If you just need to vent, we're all here to listen...

 

[gwalchmei]

And I didn't mean for the last post to come off sounding like a lecture. We all really care about you here. I hope things can pick up for you soon, and I want the best for you!

 

[Raven]

First off Welcome, I am sure that you will find another job. I know what its like to go in everyday into a job that you feel you can't handel for one reason or another. Wish I could offer you some good advice on what to do, I guess I just wanted to stop by and let you know that you are not alone and wish you good luck with finding a job that you can enjoy going to everyday.

 

[joce]

I think you need some time to sort yourself out and get help. Firstly, I don't think you should take on another stressful job. You need to find a way to live with this illness and accept that you are not always going to be able to operate at full capacity. Starting things and not being able to finish struck a cord with me. It's all part of bipolar. I just packed up my life in England six months ago and moved to Turkey, buying a flat etc. Now I want to go somewhere else but can't sell my flat. I know I'll go off somewhere else and probably make a big balls up again. I can only accept myself and all my faults. Try to resist killing yourself, please. You can get through.

 

[immure]

i was told its far worse to not have tried then to try and fail. we generally are never natural at any task by nature. seems to take a great deal of will and perserverence.

 

[theleastofthese]

Welcome to the forum.:smile: I hope you find the friendship, support, and peace I found here. I like your name: Lux. It means 'light' and I hope you'll find some light here to help you out of the darkness of your despair. Come here anytime you need to vent, to scream, to let it all out so it won't implode inside you and do (more) damage. Welcome again to the forum, Light!!

love,:smile:

least

Your life CAN get better. Give it as many chances as you can - sometimes it takes a long time, but I believe sincerely that as long as there's life, there's hope. Sending you love and hugs and HOPE.:smile: :smile:

 

[Lux5]

Thank you all for your advices and kind word. I have been treated for bipolar disorder since I was 17. It took me 7 years to finish college and 3 more to get my master's degree in accounting. Now I found out the work is not what I really wanted and I am depressed and stressed out because of it. I have plenty of experience dealing with the illness - it is just I have not been able to accept it and lower my own standard. I want to be like everyone else - a normal person - but I know I can't. That is why I feel like there is no point of living and going on pretending things will work out ok. That is why I am seriously contemplating suicide.

But all of your suggestions - I have read them all. "Not having what you want, wanting what you got", "deal with this illness", "find out what I really want to do". I am trying. I don't think I will succeed. But I am trying.

Thank you all.

 

[Lux5]

Oh, by the way, I am so happy that someone recognoize the meaning of my screenname. Thank you.

 

[theleastofthese]

There is a beautiful piece of music from Edward Elgar's "Enigna Variations" called LUX AETERNA, which I'm going to assume, from my poor knowledge of Latin, it means Eternal Light. It's truly a beautiful and moving piece of music. It brings tears to my eyes.

least

 

[had_enuff]

Hang in there Lux, i just lost my job due to illness and its tough, there is no way around it. Uncertain future, where will i be in 10 years, will i get married and have kids. Its so hard to deal with, but chat to me if you want to chat.

 

[kc_o]

Hi Lux,

I won't say i understand 100% of what u been through. But i am also from accounting background and took more year than other to get my degree in accounting. and i have suicidal though too, or else why am i here:biggrin:

I don't know what advice i can give u cos sometime i can't convince myself, but hang in there, my fren....