30 Year Old Virgin

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Exile, Jul 29, 2014.

  1. Exile

    Exile New Member

    I'm too shy to approach women in person, and no one ever asks me out. So I've tried internet dating for years and years. I've reached out to hundreds, probably thousands of women across dozens of dating sites. But I haven't been on single date. Not even once. What does that mean?

    I've been told that I'm good-looking, smart, funny, articulate, and kind. I'm also tall and I have a full head of hair. None of that seems to matter. Clearly, women don't like me for some reason. The worst part is not knowing why.

    I've basically given up. I get nauseous just looking at dating sites now. I'm about to become a 30 year old virgin, and I feel like my entire species has rejected me. The loneliness is unbearable. I've tried five different anti-depressants, but nothing makes loneliness go away. To me it's the worst feeling in the world, and sometimes I don't know if I can keep going, or even if I should.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Exile and welcome. Personally I think you should try and start a friendship first and see how that goes, you've described yourself well so it shouldn't be hard to make female friends, maybe it's just a confidence boost you need! It must feel awful thinking that all females have rejected you, but you're still young and you can do it yet, good luck :)
     
  3. Exile

    Exile New Member

    Hi Petal. It is very hard for me to make female friends. Though I did eventually make a few female friends online. It never works though. Eventually they're telling me all about their wonderful new boyfriend. But don't call it the "friendzone" or the feminists will tar and feather you.

    I appreciate that you're trying to be encouraging, but your optimism is baseless. I've tried internet dating for ten long years. Suppose, hypothetically, I try some more and I finally convince someone to go out with me. Suppose even that the date goes well, despite the fact that I've never been on a date before in my life. But the odds are that the first person I date isn't going to be my soul mate. Now, if it took me ten years to get one date, do the math. How many people does the average person date before finding love? Pick any number, then translate that into decades. See the problem? I'm not even meeting people regularly, so it's not going to happen.

    I've tried stuff in real life too: taking classes, going to book clubs, etc. I'm way too shy. Nothing ever happens.

    At this point I'm seriously looking at "love dolls" and wondering if it might take the edge off. Or maybe in the future, artificial intelligence might help me, like in the movie "Her." I don't know what else to do.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Have ypou spoke to a counselor about ways to deal or cope with communicating to females? You have a very common issue when it comes to being shy so so try internet dating. While that approach works well for many women it is nearly useless for men. The reason is simply that outgoing women that are willing to take the step of asking the man out typically do not get to internet dating - while some may want to disagree, I believe it is far easier for a woman to get a date than man (though likely more difficult to find a date that is interested in her as a person and not just because is female). Add that it is easier to begin with with the type of outgoing confidence to ask the man out and there are not many of those type of women on the internet date sites.

    Internet dating sites are typically 5-1 male to female - by choosing internet dating you are putting yourself in the most competitive environment possible where the men far out number the women, and removing most of the really outgoing women that might compensate for shyness on your part by being willing to initiate the conversation. In addition, besides having far more men to choose from, the women on internet dating sites are usually very suspicious (and rightly so) of men so add your shyness along with too many other guys to compete against, and women that are even more cautious about being approached by the men due to all the hype about the dangers of internet dating and you have set yourself up in the hardest possible environment for trying to get a date (as seen by your results of trying hundreds of times).

    I do not know how to overcome shyness and anxiety at meeting women - it is not something I am familiar with personally so giving advice on how to do it would be at best poor guessing on my part. What I am very sure of though is if you managed to find a way to approach women in person and try to talk to them you would get a date with hundreds or thousands of attempts- of that I have no doubt at all. Maybe the typical places of getting dates are impossible for you - bars, clubs, and things like that- but is it possible in less "performance oriented" places for you to talk to a woman? Work, school, library, church, park, etc where you can meet women and get a little comfortable talking to them then be clear at some point you are going to have to ask them for a date. Making friends and then waiting until they ask you is not going to be overly effective either- they presume usually that is you were interested you would ask. Maybe combine your internet and non internet approach - make friends in life then ask for a date in an email or FB message where you can put a little space and distance to keep the shyness and anxiety to a reasonable level but you are not competing against 12 other emails asking for a date at the same time?

    Sorry if this was useless to you - but I am just trying to tell you why I think internet dating has been difficult for you - (it is the environment you are choosing to compete in - not you) and consider ways you might be able to make it beyond a girl friend telling you about new boyfriend. Happy to to talk to you about other ideas here or in PM if you think it would be helpful at all to try to get some new ideas but I don't want to make you feel worse by throwing out random ideas that will not work for you so let me know if want any other ideas or if you are just venting your frustration.
     
  5. darkhorse91

    darkhorse91 Member

    Why do you feel shy? What is at the root of the problem? Do you have insecurities? If so, what are they specifically?
     
  6. adam3092

    adam3092 New Member

    I feel you're situation. Don't become ashamed of being a virgin im one too and be proud of who you are. Don't become like what others want you to think you are. You're unique and you have the right to embrace who you are. Embrace and accept its never too late you can always try it never hurts. I never been in a relationship or anything i've dated a couple of times but take it as a social thing. Women are human beings like us they're not objects. Communication is simple a simple hello or even being silly can work. They love silly things most women do. haha well I hope you're doing great and cheer up. Don't let anything put you down. Be who you are and be proud.
     
  7. Exile

    Exile New Member

    @NYJmpMaster Thanks. That's actually really enlightening. I feel better about myself, knowing it's not just me that's the problem.

    I still think I'm screwed though. I used to go to parks, libraries, churches, etc. just hoping that someone would approach me. I can't do it though. It's like I'm frozen. Something stops me. "Shy" is an understatement. I seem to have some deep rooted phobia of initiating conversations with women. I've been to multiple psychologists and spent years in psychotherapy, but never could change this about myself. So if internet dating isn't the solution, I'm out of options.

    I think what I need to do now is learn to accept this and figure out ways to cope with being alone.
     
  8. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I hate to say it if it sounds too blunt, but I think the best thing you can do--& it's precisely what I'd do if I were you--is to somehow immerse your self in the world of women. And what I mean by this (oh, of course I know it isn't easy), is to expose yourself to as many members of the opposite sex in as many different environmental settings as you can, as quickly as you can. If you can accomplish this - slowly but surely you will begin to feel more comfortable, and at ease in their presence...hopefully eventually leading you to a place where you can feel more free and natural in your behaviors. It might be like the Abraham Lincoln thing (I don't quite know), but that ~ "If you think I can or I can't...either way you're probably right!" Now I know it might all seem so impossible based upon your past experiences. And this is why it's so important to change those experiences, and begin a new history anew. If you don't believe that this is something you are capable of, don't feel badly, it's okay. But I still feel that the best way to learn is by doing. It's a little bit like (fairly imperfect analogy) someone who says they build boats. But never do. They just sit there and think about doing it. Good luck! : ) ps- the way that I would approach it is to 'act' the part & thereby try to forget my fear (in other words, just not worry about it, and roll...)
     
  9. shadowonthewall

    shadowonthewall Well-Known Member

    You're not the only one. Technically, I am not a virgin, as I did have one brief fling with man from the Internet. Objectively speaking, I'm not a great catch, but I know that worse people than me have managed to hold down a relationship. In my case, I probably have standards which are higher than I deserve to have, and I am also extremely shy and self-loathing.
     
  10. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Have you tried anything like Meetup.com? It's not a dating site, it's a social site, but there are groups for singles.
    Here's why I mention it: groups of people get together and socialize but often the events are surrounding a specific activity. You don't "approach" anyone and no one "approaches" you, just just happen to be in the same place doing the same thing and if you go often enough, you'll see the same people and get to know them. I've made a lot of friends through that site. I'm a hermit these days, which is unfortunate, but I could go out and socialize if I chose to. Caveat: Meetup can kind of suck if you don't live near a city.

    I don't know how to say what else is on my mind without possibly offending, so I apologize in advance. I have met men in this situation both online and off, and whenever I hear this particular issue, there is usually something about them that sets off a red flag. I'm not saying that you're bad or scary or anything like that. I don't know you, but perhaps something about your shyness or nervousness might come off as odd or something. I'm not saying that that's even the case or that it's deserved, but it's something I have witnessed in people I've known. PLEASE for the love of god, I hope I don't get a bunch of responses talking about how "unfair" that is that women might be suspicious of a male stranger. I once got into a fight on another forum because I said that women had every right to be wary of men they don't know and a bunch of "men's rights activists" called me a stupid man-hater because obviously my self-preservation and safety isn't worth as much as a man's ego. But, I digress.

    Also, I wouldn't expect women to approach you. I don't really know how dating works, to be honest, but even in this day and age, women rarely approach men in the way you seem to expect (specifically when you talked about going to parks and churches and such). That REALLY doesn't happen, at least not that I know of.

    There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age, but that's already been said.
     
  11. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    31 here. I'm on pretty much same boat. Although i had lots of experiences with women. Not the sexual ones though. I did have female friends before, but none of them got interested in me enough to have relationship with me. I also think i'm looking quite ok. Some people told me that i look handsome, but not many people. My hair started dropping though. I'm not bald yet, but i'm losing hair on front part of my head and it's visible now. I have it after my father. It's simply bad luck.

    I too tried many dating sites but as it was already mentioned here, it's pretty hard to find love there. Girls are afraid a lot to meet stranger. I do not blame them. If you look what's going on in the world... Women simply needs to be more careful, but on the other hand, what's the point for them making profile on dating sites then? They clearly came there because they don't wanna be alone anymore, so if they really want to meet someone they need to take the risk and go on date with stranger. Because for the first time, it will always be a stranger. And actually if they meet guy in real life, it will be a stranger for the first time as well. I don't see any way around it. But, it's also true that some girls are making profiles on dating sites just for fun. Mostly those pretty ones, sadly. And i think it's pretty stupid and ignorant from them, because they are just making it harder for those who are serious about making relationship.

    As for that women usually doesn't do the first step to approach man, i became quite aggressive to such behavior, because this behavior from women effected me a lot in the past. A woman not only won't do the first step, but she is pushing you away, if you are interested in her too much. And by too much, i don't mean like being obsessed or harassing or something like that. I mean you are simply in love and you miss her every time you aren't with her. It's still ok and normal feeling. The problem is that women feels it from you somehow and starts push you away. After my experiences it proved to me that it's true. And this is not ok behavior from women. They push you away even if they are actually interested in you. They simply instinctively want you to take the first step, because... you are a man, so you make the effort. I can't even describe how this behavior upsets me. Even my mother says that such behavior is ok. And my sister too. They even say it should be like that. Well, because they are woman too. It always makes me so angry. Like human feelings asks if you are woman or man. We do have same feelings. Both genders can be in love the same way, on the same level and can get hurt on the same level. Us guys might be physically stronger, but if it comes for psychic, there is no difference between us. Yet girls thinks we are somehow stronger in this or something. And it's not even a matter of thinking. They sometimes does it instinctively. Not always though. Some girls does it really on purpose. Like it's the standard that mans must take the first step -> "you take the first step or you will get nothing". And they willing to behave like that even if they actually are interested in the man. But you know what? Women with such behavior deserves that the man will never do the first step and actually no man will ever do the first step and they will stay alone for the rest of their life. If they was so cool, when someone was interested in them and possible wanted to spend life with them and they rejected them because... the guy was interested in them, then so be it. Stay alone for the rest of your life, because you asked for it. Then see how you will feel it when you get older and start feeling lonely, because you rejected every man that was interested in you.
     
  12. jsnolea12

    jsnolea12 Member

    I love online chatting, though i am scared to death to meet girls in real life but i am very comfortable just like you to chat with them over internet. There used to be a social website called orkut where i met many local girls online but never even dared to talk with them on phone. but at the same time i would have wet dreams about them but shy enough to not to make a first move. But i did have good/bad friends i don't know who would tease me and try to talk with them from my account and once they tricked me and made me meet one of the girls i would talk with online. I guess that was the part that triggered me into loosing my virginity:annoying_computer: