30 Years Old and Feel Broken and Defective

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TrailDrifter, Sep 30, 2014.

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  1. TrailDrifter

    TrailDrifter Member

    I'm 30 years old, and have been a Law Enforcement Officer for seven years. I rose through the ranks fairly quickly and am now a supervisor. I've never been married and have no children.

    This all has recently become a heavy burden to bear, every attempt at a meaningful relationship has ended in disaster, every attempt I have made at kindling something has ended in rejection. I have closed myself off from what few friends at work I do have because their family and themselves are reminders of what I've always wanted, and are reminders that I've failed in my life.

    My sense of self-worth is non existant, I have gone from being unhappy to hating every aspect of who I am and can no longer stand the person I see in the mirror, everyone tells me to "Hang in there" and I'm "Such a nice guy" yet I find myself alone consistently.

    I worked 36 days straight without a day off 12-16 hours a day to avoid coming home as little as possible, simply because my home feels like a prison cell.

    I'm tired of feeling alone, and tired of being in my position, I'm at the point now I would welcome something to happen to me at work, and no longer care about my well being at work due to preferring something happen to me than one of my people under me simply because I have nothing worth coming home to, and I feel it would not be a loss for anyone were something to happen to me.

    I'm tired of being alone, and tired of being miserable each day, regardless of what I do in find myself in worse shape and now that I've turned 30 I feel it's to late for me to start a family, or attempt to start one, every day I goto work I keep hoping that something happens and it will be my last, I'm tired of feeling this way, I'm tired of feeling alone and really want it to end.
  2. Joanne2328

    Joanne2328 New Member


    I understand completely how you feel. I have just turned 38, my relationship is breaking down, not on my part, my partner does not seem bothered, I have struggled having children so at present I don't have any and I do not see how at my age I can pick myself up and be successful In finding a meaningful relationship and having a family. I feel so inadequate and unworthy of being loved, I watch everyone around me getting engaged, married, having babies and my life just keeps going backwards. I don't want to be on my own and childless in my flurries, life was never meant to be like this.
  3. TrailDrifter

    TrailDrifter Member

    I've been told once that I should stop whining and just fix my life, if I honestly knew how to I would.

    As this year has past by I have seen things go from bad to worse to even worse in terms of my personal feelings about myself, and in regards to myself. Every day feels like a struggle, I'm exhausted and attempt to put up a facade every day that I'm at work, and even that is becoming harder and harder to do.
    I was fine with things when I was in my 20's, but as I turned 30 I feel like everyone has passed me by, I've always feared the potential of dying alone, that nobody would care in the end, and I feel like that's exactly what is going to happen.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't you just love people that say "well fix your life!", if it was that easy no one would be alone, no one would be divorced and no one would be out of work.
    Don't despair, the 30s are a good time to have a re-think.
    You are old enough to know what you want and what you don't want and it is certainly not too late to start a family.

    Is the problem that you are not actually meeting anyone, or that even if you do you don't gel?
    If the former, then maybe a dating agency?
    If the latter, perhaps you are just not meeting the right person for you.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Glad you found us here. While there are no simple answers for you (or any of us- if there were we all would have done them long ago) there is hope and it is possible to find a hope in and inspiration to try something new or different to change the way things are going in our lives that has become intolerable. I you want ot share what happens in your typical attempt at a relationship maybe somebody will have some insights or ideas. I suspect the stress level and uncertainty of hours and schedule of your job have a huge impact but it can still be worked around if you can get around the part that makes you feel so down on yourself. Keep talking and lets see what ideas may come about to give you hope again?
  6. TrailDrifter

    TrailDrifter Member

    If I knew how to fix my life I honsetly would. I simply don't know how or what to do.
    It's a little of both really, I don't meet to many people, and when I do there's usually one reason or another that it simply never get's off the ground, I've faced rejection quite a bit. My recent bout with rejection was talking to someone who I felt there was a possibility of attempting to kindle something with, and I was told that unless I was six foot she simply wasn't interested. I'm 5'5.

    It honestly feels like everything I touch simply falls apart around me, the only thing I have actually succeeded in was my military service, and now my Law Enforcement career, and those used to be things that I was proud of now I've had to completely shut myself away from my friends, it's just to painful to be around them and their families for me, and it's a reminder of my failures in life, something as simple as going grocery shopping or trying to leave home result in gut wrenching feelings anymore, and it's becoming to painful day to day anymore.

    I used to have fairly active hobbies I involved myself with, I can't even motivate or drive myself to try and participate in those anymore, actually I haven't participated in any of them in over 6 months.

    My attempts at a relationship when I am actually able to kindle one generally start out hopeful, and then fall apart around me, no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do I never seem to be able to make anything work in that regard.
    However, the majority of the time I rarely get anyone to gain any interest in me, or to show me that kind of attention despite any effort I may put into it. I try to put on a front that I'm happy, and that I'm an outgoing person, but I'm rejected frequently, and my status has become a joke at work due to just how often I get rejected by other women I talk to, it used to not bother me but anymore it's begun to cut deeper and deeper and I really am not sure how much more of it I can truthfully take, I try to act like it doesn't bother me but in reality it cuts me deeper everytime, and hurts even more each time it happens.
    My last attempt a joke was made out how horrified she must have been to know that I of all people was interested in her and that I should have seen the look on her face, given how poor I am at getting any interest built up towards talking or dating.

    I'm not a serial dater, and date countless women in a years time, each relationship I get into I try to invest myself in and make work, and thus far it's been disaster after disaster within a year or two, I'm 30 and honestly I can count on one hand the number of girlfriends I've had.
    I'm told consistently that it's a little late to attempt anything due to the fact that the majority of people already established their lives by my age.

    A year ago it was all tolerable but now the pain has become physically difficult, I used to never have anxiety attacks, now I have anxiety any time I leave home and go to a public place because it's a visual reminder of what I can't have, spending time with my friends has become an equally painful process and I feel like a reject and worthless by the time I come home after it's over, because as soon as I walk in the front door I'm reminded of what I have at home, which is nothing.
    I have little support in my personal life through family or friends, most people don't even know I'm suffering, I try to put on a facade at work so that I can simply run shift, however the reality is I can no longer stand the person I see in the mirror everyday, I have so much self loathing for myself simply because of who I am and what I am. Because of my situation, and because I can't seem to do anything about it regardless how hard I try.

    Every day when I get ready for work I just hope and pray that it's my last, I've completely lost the drive to go from day to day. My life feels directionless, and pointless. I don't care about myself or my well being anymore, and hope day to day that I don't make it back home after the end of my shift, that it ends that night.
    The pain has become physical and emotional, any time I'm put in a situation that might remind me of my personal situation and how pathetic I am, I feel a panic attack in the process and feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest, I just want to stop hurting, I'm tired of hurting.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2014
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I maybe way off base here, but it might be that you are coming over as desperate and it's putting any potential partner off.
    Maybe it's time to stop actually trying to date and just go out socially.
    I think you've become clinically depressed and that is giving you anxiety and panic attacks; time to see a doc about getting some treatment for the depression.
    Once you have that under control, you will feel more able to socialise.
    Put the whole date thing on the back burner, make some female friends rather than looking all the time for the "one".
    Once you are more relaxed with the whole thing, women will be more interested and less threatened by your possible neediness.
    You have time, there are people meeting the "one" at all ages.
  8. TrailDrifter

    TrailDrifter Member

    Honestly, I've pretty much given up on any social aspect of my life, I've been told repeatedly by a couple of people I work with nobody would really be interested in me anyways, I don't actually "meet" anyone anymore, every time I try to introduce myself or associate myself with someone it either ends poorly or they just simply show little to no interest in myself.

    I'm to the point that I don't even feel myself worth pushing from one day to the next, I'm pretty much isolated at this point in my life, what "friends" I do have I can't talk to aside from professional aspects of our lives, honestly I was depressed at first now I'm at the point that I really have no desire or drive to keep fighting day to day, I've gone to doctors before and now I'm in the same boat I've been in for a long time.

    I'm not really sure what to do in terms of "relaxing" or "becoming social" because honestly, I feel like nobody would ever want anything to do with me anyways, I've recently completely cut ties with two of my best friends due to the fact that I can no longer stand being around them or their family, it's to painful of a reminder of what they accomplished that despite anything I did I never could.
  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    30 isn't late to start a relationship. People my age im 32 are marrying later and having kids later.

    Maybe seeing a professional like a therapist can help, finding a good one is hard. Once you find the one that meshes well with you it does make a world of difference. Just give it a try again. No shame to it at all.
  10. TrailDrifter

    TrailDrifter Member

    I'm really at the end of my rope, I've tried talking to people professionally and not so much, and all I get is ridiculed and run down. I'm so tired of hurting and more so being lonely, everyday that goes by I feel like a bigger and bigger failure.

    I just want the pain to stop, the only thing I think about anymore is ending it and how to do it effectively. I sleep little more than two hours a night anymore, I'd rather be dead than live this way anymore

    I've decided this past week my life has been
    worth a zero sum anyways, I'd be better off as a memory, nobody wants me my own family barely talks to me. I'm so tired of all of this.
  11. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain SO well. Its a state of mind/being that those on the other side cannot even begin to comprehend. The torture of having to be around other people..."normal", functional people. Sometimes I've called out of work for this reason, it was just too much to face. And the loneliness...so thorough and complete. I worry about how long my body will rot before it is found, or what happens to the remains of someone with no friends or family. And then I wonder why I was born at all, if this. Is to be the end result.

    Traildrifter, I don't believe things are so bleak for you. You are still young. And you have options. But I understand you may not have the strength now.
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