30 yrs of addiction

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by earljames, Oct 27, 2013.

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  1. earljames

    earljames Member

    Hi I am new to the forum..its a long typical story I guess.In a nutshell I experienced abuse and loss as a child and I got into drugs in my early teens.they worked for my teens,however since my early 20's I have tried to stop but it just got worse
    Harder drugs..isolation anxiety depression.I feel like I have wasted 20 yrs.in the last 7years I have been in multiple hospitalsfor anxiety and suicidal thoughts plus rehabs.when I awake the past is on me and I fear the day.then the depression hits and I think of just ending it all. I am clean as I recently detoxed,but the thought of relapse and subsequent suicide scares me too.what did I do getting into drugs? It has damaged my mental health so much man. I am going recovery meetings and have a psych appt on tuesday.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Huge congrats on being clean... I know that's not easy and is a daily struggle. :hug: It's something you should be proud of. You're not alone in this battle, people care. Here if you need support or just feel like talking.
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((earljames)) a warm friendly welcome to you rite here.. your life story sounds very familiar to mine... being clean of drugs is outstanding.. now keep the string intact.. that is a heck of a good way to start in all of this..

    the early pain and abuse and hurt can be helped with some good psych help.. saved my life.. also now that you have started on here, please keep talking earl.. we will listen and reply..we do care, stay safe.. Jim

    PS yes does kind of hurt that all those years went bye in such agony.. earl what you have now is the here and now.. you are trying now and that is what counts sir...
  4. earljames

    earljames Member

    Thankyou I am staying at my parents place because if I went back to my apartment in london I know I would feel worse and just relapse putting myself back in that hell. I can hardly speak to them though.the misery is intense and it shows..I can't hide it. I can't tell them about these thoughts though. One is: if you cannot make it just go back on high dose methadone..drown it out. Two: head down to the bridge and wait for the train.leave my passport by the tracks.three: just throw 5 bags in the spoon..painless. wow I am really struggling. Just want the pain to stop. I will tell the team about all this on tues.hope they dont lock me up! Thankyou so much again! Means alot.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Keep reaching out here, try not to isolate yourself. I think it's a good idea that you're staying with your parents; that way, you don't have to be alone. Having people around can sometimes help us stay stronger.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is good you will be talking to your team and letting them know you are still struggling some. Hope that you hold out ok stay clean it can be done one day at a time ok Glad you are talking to us so you know you are not alone now WE care we do not judge hun take care of YOU ok
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