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30th december.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lifeontheground, Dec 20, 2011.

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  1. lifeontheground

    lifeontheground New Member

    I'm new here, i found this site whilst looking around the web for suicide related things. I thought i'd join, that it couldn't hurt and who knows maybe i'd get some support.
    I want to commit suicide on the 30th of december. I have decided on my method and i am in the process of getting together what i need to be successful. I have PTSD and depression, i have been in therapy continuously for almost two years now. I used to avoid my feelings in anyway possible, mainly through self harm and anorexia. Now i feel my feelings. I cannot cope. I don't want to live into the new year, i don't want to have to live like this.
    I did mention how i was feeling to my therapist, over the phone however i don't think she truly thinks that i will do it. I think i will. She talks to me about trying to be compassionate to myself but i can't even think clearly let alone do that. She tells me how this will pass but i can't feel that. Today she called me to check up on me, i was on the bus, apparently this means everythings ok because i left the house. She asked me if i think i am hormonal. So i can clearly conclude that she does not think i am at any real risk.
    I think there is only so much one person can tolerate and i have reached my threshold and feel there is no hope for improvement. I feel as though there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that there is something in me that cannot be fixed. I am tired of trying to cope and trying to get better.
    I am going back to the dreaded family home for christmas and then i will come back and live one more day and then that's it for me. Part of me does not want to die but the majority does. I get feelings of panic when i think that i am actually going to do this, i make myself calm down and i repeat to myself that this is what needs to be done. I need to be calm about this too succeed. I have tried to take my life before and the last second panic stopped me. That can't happen this time.

    I suppose i am posting because i don't want to be completely alone with this, i wanted to be able to talk about it somewhere.
  2. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    So what is your most dominant reason for it, even if its abstract? If something could change to make you stay, do you know what it would be?
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Please listen to that part of yourself that wants to live. It is the part that sees through the memories of whatever triggered your PTSD. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with your mind other than cognitive dysfunctions caused by depression and PTSD. This does not need to be done, instead why do you not tell us why you have PTSD, why it is the 'dreaded' family home?

    Well done for posting, please keep on, let us help you like folk here helped me
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Well, we're a pro-life site, so you won't get any encouragement or approval for ending your life.

    But, I'm glad you found us. We are a caring bunch of folks trying to help each other get through the day, the best we can.

    You are important. And everyone here has either been in your shoes, or felt the dark desperation.

    You're welcome here. I hope you keep posting, you may even make some friends.
  5. lifeontheground

    lifeontheground New Member

    The most dominant reasons are that i continually feel these horrible waves of despair and blackness. I hate myself, i am disgusted and ashamed of myself. I have flashbacks and thoughts i cannot control. I am always anxious and i am always scared, these days i don't even know what of.
    If something could change, it would be all of the above, i don't expect them to ever go but if it were more manageable i feel i could live i suppose. But that doesn't seem to be a realistic option for me. I have tried to change my thoughts and work on them in therapy but i've lost hope of it working anymore.
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I have SA and used CBT. I made progress but it took a long time, how long have you kept up with it for lifeontheground?

    Whatever happened, you clearly blame yourself. If you read about a similar situation, would you blame the character in your position?
  7. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Did it originate from a certain situation you were in, or did you start feeling that way just like that (I don't mean to imply that "just like that" means for no reason, I just don't have a good way to put it. I simply mean that there is no clear reason how it originated). How old are you and how long have you been feeling this way? Was there a point when you were happy?

    What makes you feel ashamed of yourself mostly? Is there anyone in your real life you can turn to? Is there anyone in your life who adds or creates these emotions and stops you from getting out of it?
  8. lifeontheground

    lifeontheground New Member

    Also, i'm not looking for encouragement or approval for this. I just wanted to be able to say it how it is, somewhere.

    My PTSD is caused by a group of men raping me and torturing me for over 8 hours, when i was 14. They drugged me, so i was still aware but could hardly move my body. My dreaded family home consists of my wonderful parents who continually tell me how i am killing them or making them so sick they might die because if say something that causes any sort of stress this is their reaction. It is also home to my brother who is a sick bastard, who has sexually and physically abused me for years, he's not there this christmas but just that house is bad enough to bring all that up. The house where i was attacked by then men is just down my road. I hate seeing it, it happened 8 years ago but i only talked about it 6 months ago for the first time. Up until then i had been too scared, especially when living in the family home because i believed if i spoke about it they would come and kill me or my family. Obviously my parents know nothing about anything, they could barely cope when they thought i was mildly depressed let alone anything else.
  9. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I completely feel you, even having flashbacks. I suspect we have a ton in common. I felt like you, would SI, fast, hate myself...the anxiety and horrible dark thoughts, too. I didn't think it would ever go away and maybe it never really totally goes away, but it does get less intense. Please hang in there and don't isolate yourself. Give your mind and body a chance to heal before throwing in the towel. You deserve that after what you've been through.

    If your therapist isn't taking you seriously, fire her and hire one who does her job.

    If you are like me, and we do have a lot of the same feelings and trauma, calling your doc today must've been really hard. You deserve a pat on your back for that, AND be taken seriously.
  10. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    FUCK. People who did that to you are monsters who shouldn't exist. People who turn the blind eye are monsters too, but of a different kind.
    And now thank to all those people it is you who is going to stop living, and what can I tell you? I can't possibly imagine how it must have been for you, how alone and scared you must have felt and still feel.

    Shame- that isn't something you deserve to feel, its what they deserve to feel until it kills them.
    How can I, or anyone, tell you to keep hanging on, you need someone who will actively step up, someone who will make the actual changes, provide some beginning for you if you were to stay. How can one human even be expected to go trough this alone?

    Your therapist makes no sense to me, but little of them do. How can you care for people, work with people, and keep that distance when someone is at this point. Yes, death is not the worst, but it is the complete lack of justice that those who were hurt continue carrying it on.

    I wish for a miracle for you, for any other solution that will bring you to some other point where this past can die and not you. It frustrates me that I am sitting here typing bs while things are going so terribly wrong, but if you want to talk, about anything, i am sure many people here will want to hear you. From what you said, I think many other people in your life should have heard you and should have done something.
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That is an awful lot to deal with lifeontheground. Well done for talking about it, it must have been hard to do so. Was it the police you told?
    I am sorry your parents have such a bad reaction. Perhaps they view their not realising what happened to you as a failure on their part, one they can't face?
    Do your parents know about your brother?
  12. lifeontheground

    lifeontheground New Member

    I'm really touched that so many people have replied, i didn't expect anyone to give a shit to be honest.

    It wasn't the police i first told, it was my therapist. I have since told in vague terms, my boyfriend and a couple of good friends. No one knows what too say, or what to do. I don't feel better for telling my friends or bf, i can't properly talk to them about it. I'll get flashbacks if i do, right there and it's hard to control them. My T is good at grounding me, she's not a bad therapist and anyway i can't get another because it's an NHS thing and it's pretty rare to get what i do have.

    My parents literally know nothing. They don't know about the attack when i was 14, they don't know about my brother, my mother thinks he's wonderful. I think he's a sociopath. They don't know i self harm and they have no idea how bad my depression gets. The most proactive and helpful thing my mother does is send me vitamins in the post if she thinks i'm a bit depressed. On the other hand, my mother is actually a very kind person, however she literally cannot cope being told anything of any importance. I learnt to keep my mouth shut from a young age. Since i was about 8 she's been telling me that i am making her sick and that she wants to kill herself.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I am at such a loss. I don't understand how i can feel better and even if i do feel briefly better i know i will feel much worse again. It feels like any good thing does not outweigh the bad. There is so much that is bad and i really feel that i can't make it through all this anymore. I've had almost two years of therapy and i still want to die. I feel like i can't face a new year, that horrible sinking feeling that nothing has got better and nothing will get better. People in real life who know me, they often tell me that they don't think i will actually kill myself, they think i am strong that there's "something about me", that i'm a fighter and i'll keep going. Sometimes them just saying that has got me through, thinking to myself, yeah, i am a fighter i'll fucking live and get on with it. Now, now i just feel like their wrong. The only reason they think i am strong is because before i didn't truly feel my feelings, if i did i just sort of cut myself until i didn't feel anything at all. Then i'd carry on with life in my weirdly empty way and i would work a lot and then when i had to take a break from working, i'd go briefly mad, cut it out and carry on working.
    Now i am unemployed, i cannot get a job. I feel things, i feel the despair and the fear, the disgust and the shame. It feels like that is all i am and all that my life is. I will see my T on thursday, i do not know if i should clearly express my suicidal feelings to her again. Should i tell her i have set a date and a method? It feels the exact opposite of what i should do but at the same time i feel strangely desperate to talk about this. I know i don't want to make the wrong choice and this is the biggest decision i will ever make. In the end i am making the decision based on pain. Pain that has been with me as long as i remember and has only got worse, despite trying numerous T's and meds. This pain is intolerable and my memories are intolerable. My T says that i can't let that one day ruin my life. But it's not that one day, it's everything before and after.

    OK, that's far too long, i am going to stop now.
  13. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Wow .. thank you for sharing your story. As other people have said, you've gone through a hell of a lot, and you clearly have a lot of strength to have made it this far and to be so articulate about it.

    It seems from what you've said that you're still bearing most of this enormous burden alone. What you say about not understanding how you can feel better in any lasting way really reminds me of how I felt during the years when I was seriously depressed. You know your situation better than anyone, and obviously it is very different from mine, but I know that what helped me in the end was mainly changing my environment and building new relationships with people who were genuinely supportive, so I wasn't just carrying a private burden -- therapists can be helpful, but I think it helps to be able to rely also on the support of others. For me, it wasn't my family, but starting from a clean slate with new people.

    Of course, your situation is not the same, but no one deserves to have to suffer alone with so much pain inside, and even if your family can't be there for you, I am sure there are people who will--and not just strangers on this web site. Please don't give up just yet. If nothing you've tried so far has helped, there are still other things to try--changing your life in radical ways if necessary. There's no guarantee of anything, of course, but it's worth a try. And yes, talk to your therapist about specifics! You don't burden other people by telling them what's going on in your head--people do want to hear it, and we all have to share our pain. That's why we're all on this forum.
  14. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    As the above post says, can you change location? That may not be applicable especially if you are not working though. (Things are very hard with regard to work at the moment.) You have filled your mind with work, which is a good plan. Can you do something else to stop your mind wandering?

    Self harm is a temporary thing, as you know. You need to replace it with something. Talking here is a good start, let others share your burden as much as we can.

    You say
    I think this is your survival instinct. The fighter you alluded to. She wants to live. I would say, try to talk to your boyfriend about it, let him support you. This will put less burden on him than what you plan to do, so please do not hold back.
    And of course please keep posting.
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