I'm new here, i found this site whilst looking around the web for suicide related things. I thought i'd join, that it couldn't hurt and who knows maybe i'd get some support. I want to commit suicide on the 30th of december. I have decided on my method and i am in the process of getting together what i need to be successful. I have PTSD and depression, i have been in therapy continuously for almost two years now. I used to avoid my feelings in anyway possible, mainly through self harm and anorexia. Now i feel my feelings. I cannot cope. I don't want to live into the new year, i don't want to have to live like this. I did mention how i was feeling to my therapist, over the phone however i don't think she truly thinks that i will do it. I think i will. She talks to me about trying to be compassionate to myself but i can't even think clearly let alone do that. She tells me how this will pass but i can't feel that. Today she called me to check up on me, i was on the bus, apparently this means everythings ok because i left the house. She asked me if i think i am hormonal. So i can clearly conclude that she does not think i am at any real risk. I think there is only so much one person can tolerate and i have reached my threshold and feel there is no hope for improvement. I feel as though there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that there is something in me that cannot be fixed. I am tired of trying to cope and trying to get better. I am going back to the dreaded family home for christmas and then i will come back and live one more day and then that's it for me. Part of me does not want to die but the majority does. I get feelings of panic when i think that i am actually going to do this, i make myself calm down and i repeat to myself that this is what needs to be done. I need to be calm about this too succeed. I have tried to take my life before and the last second panic stopped me. That can't happen this time. I suppose i am posting because i don't want to be completely alone with this, i wanted to be able to talk about it somewhere.