32 and Still Depressed

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Charliebaby0312, Oct 29, 2012.

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  1. Charliebaby0312

    Charliebaby0312 New Member

    Hi everyone!

    I chose this title because it is just as it is for me. It is most fitting and appropriate. I was probably first diagnosed with depression around age 14 shortly after my first suicide attempt. I was close, but here I am anyway. Fast forward to present day, and I have seen many counselors/therapists and psychiatrists. I've been on and off meds for most of my life. Nothing seems to work because I am still depressed. My family and husband don't understand why because I have most of the things in life that other people want. I should be blissfully happy, right? Well no, I am not. I often think about death. I pray for it. I welcome it. BUT I won't really do anything to take my own life unless I can disguise it as something other than a suicide like an accident.

    My depression is interfering in my ability to be a wife and mother. I fear my husband will leave me and my son will someday attempt suicide too. You see, I have passed this awful trait on to my child. He, too, has depression and is in counseling. He shared with me that he hates living. My son hates life and lashes out in anger because he must endure the pain of living. I couldn't agree with him more but of course I cannot say that to a young teenager. I found it difficult to muster the strength to find and share the beauty of living with my son. I think the way he does or rather he thinks the way I do. Do you see the problem here?

    I think about death several times a week now. I pray for it. I welcome it like one welcomes springtime after a long, hard winter.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry both you and your son suffer from depression hun Have you thought about other treatments newer medications with add ons and also ECT hun it does help some
    I hope you continue to post hun to get support you need to push through until that right medication combination is found for you or other treatments They are coming up with new therapies new meds every day hun
  3. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member


    Just throwing this out there...that thinking you SHOULD be blissfully happy can kill almost anybody. Trying to pretend something, or to feel something, just doesn't work. Somehow it would be good to figure out what's kiling YOU. Suicide is jsut your body's alert, that something is killing you...like somewhere in life that's not fully honest, or a pain you haven't acknowledged, a wound buried somewhere. It's trying to push out the sliver so the wound can eventually heal. In a weird way, your body's tryign to protect you.

    Instead of shoving down your feelings, coudl you possibly work on letting go of guilt...because that kills anybody...and forgive yourself for anything you feel you've done wrong/not right enough? Sending you love. L
  4. too much pain

    too much pain New Member

    Hi, This is my first time on here. I am 61 and female. Up until a few months ago, I would go to bed and hope I would not wake up. I would wake up and it depressed me that I had another day to go through. I have a son who also suffers from depression. He has tried medications and had too many problems on them so he quit years ago. I thought about death constantly. Now, I finally want to live. How strange. Now my biggest fear is that I will have a heart attack and die. I don't want to die any more. You are much younger than me and telling you that things will get better sounds like BS. All I know for me is that I finally want to live. Took me many years to get to this point. I started being depressed in high school. I never thought I would live to 21. The thing that has helped me survive to this point is my son. I want to be here for him. I want to be able to help him if he needs me. I was 38 when my dad died and 49 when my mom died. My mom and I were like Siamese twins. We were so close. I felt so abandoned after my mom passed away. I felt I was too young to be an orphan. When I would think a lot about suicide, I remembered how I felt, and I don't want my son to feel I abandoned him. Hang in there.
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