Dear all I just keep thinking "Wouldn't things be better if I was dead". Not better for me, but better for other people. See, I lack any sort of redeeming quality or good thing, I am just, and always have been, a disease on the life of those I know and love. And I feel it would be better for everyone if I just ended it. Allow me to explain. I'm 30. and I've always struggled with friends, with women, with relationships. I was bullied horiffically as school, often beaten unconcious, I've been shot, stabbed, batted, knocked out and Just generally hated. My one goal in life, the only thing I have ever wanted, is a family. I just wanted a wife and kids. Because then, someone might just love me, if only for a little while. Problem is I am horrifically ugly. Fat, recessed jawline, wonky nose, wonky eyes. I look like a Hyronimous Bosch painting (google it). So, no way a woman would ever want me, right? For all the BS women say about wanting personality over looks, every woman I have ever dated (all 3 of them) has either cheated on me or lied to me or led me on. I really feel there is something wrong with me physically. But thats not all, I have spent years laying my own wants and needs down to serve others. I run 3 homeless charities, I worked with orphans, in prisons, volunteered at my church, I work with drug addicts and alcoholics, I worked as a suicide councillor (there's an irony), with street kids. All this was voluntary, I only get 3-4 hours sleep a night because of how busy I am. I have no fixed income, I live off handouts from the government and from my parents, and I hate it. All I want is for someone to say "well done" or "I like what you do", I keep thinking maybe someone will see something good in me, maybe someone will see some worth or some value in me, because, lets be honest, even the lowliest person is worth something, but not me. I am worth nothing. I have this kind of delusional fantasy that someone might be able to look past how I look and see how I really just want to help people, maybe see my heart for others, but I recognise that is a complete falacy. There is nothing good in me, I am a human disease. The only thing stopping me is a slim chance in a girl I am in love with. She doesn't know it yet, and I really doubt she could ever feel the same, but she's the one good thing in a shit life. In 10 weeks I get to see her again, and tell her how I feel. I keep hoping and praying I'll be in a better place by then. But who knows, maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking someone could ever care. Yeah, I can't find my identity in someone else, and someone else isn't going to make things better, btut one glimmer of hope is all I need to keep fighting, and this is the one bit of hope I have left. But to be honest with you, I think its time to call it quits. I'm 32 now, thats long enough. I've tried to do a lot of good, even if no one else sees it. All I've wanted to do is to help people, and So I'm done. No more games, no more false hope. Life is, and has always been, just an empty cycle of hollow joy and crushing disappointment and I am done. Even as a Christian, I need to say, God better have a fucking good excuse for all this.