32 years seems long enough...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by magath, Apr 22, 2013.

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  1. magath

    magath New Member

    Dear all

    I just keep thinking "Wouldn't things be better if I was dead". Not better for me, but better for other people. See, I lack any sort of redeeming quality or good thing, I am just, and always have been, a disease on the life of those I know and love. And I feel it would be better for everyone if I just ended it.

    Allow me to explain. I'm 30. and I've always struggled with friends, with women, with relationships. I was bullied horiffically as school, often beaten unconcious, I've been shot, stabbed, batted, knocked out and Just generally hated. My one goal in life, the only thing I have ever wanted, is a family. I just wanted a wife and kids. Because then, someone might just love me, if only for a little while.

    Problem is I am horrifically ugly. Fat, recessed jawline, wonky nose, wonky eyes. I look like a Hyronimous Bosch painting (google it). So, no way a woman would ever want me, right? For all the BS women say about wanting personality over looks, every woman I have ever dated (all 3 of them) has either cheated on me or lied to me or led me on. I really feel there is something wrong with me physically.

    But thats not all, I have spent years laying my own wants and needs down to serve others. I run 3 homeless charities, I worked with orphans, in prisons, volunteered at my church, I work with drug addicts and alcoholics, I worked as a suicide councillor (there's an irony), with street kids. All this was voluntary, I only get 3-4 hours sleep a night because of how busy I am. I have no fixed income, I live off handouts from the government and from my parents, and I hate it. All I want is for someone to say "well done" or "I like what you do", I keep thinking maybe someone will see something good in me, maybe someone will see some worth or some value in me, because, lets be honest, even the lowliest person is worth something, but not me. I am worth nothing. I have this kind of delusional fantasy that someone might be able to look past how I look and see how I really just want to help people, maybe see my heart for others, but I recognise that is a complete falacy. There is nothing good in me, I am a human disease.

    The only thing stopping me is a slim chance in a girl I am in love with. She doesn't know it yet, and I really doubt she could ever feel the same, but she's the one good thing in a shit life. In 10 weeks I get to see her again, and tell her how I feel. I keep hoping and praying I'll be in a better place by then. But who knows, maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking someone could ever care. Yeah, I can't find my identity in someone else, and someone else isn't going to make things better, btut one glimmer of hope is all I need to keep fighting, and this is the one bit of hope I have left.

    But to be honest with you, I think its time to call it quits. I'm 32 now, thats long enough. I've tried to do a lot of good, even if no one else sees it. All I've wanted to do is to help people, and

    So I'm done. No more games, no more false hope. Life is, and has always been, just an empty cycle of hollow joy and crushing disappointment and I am done. Even as a Christian, I need to say, God better have a fucking good excuse for all this.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    For the charity work you do, I applaud you greatly. I wish everyone would do the same, at least to some degree as they are able. Insofar as people recognizing and saying "well done," I think the real reason that we who do these things is for ourselves. We don't need the approval of others, we need to know within ourselves that we are doing what is right and just. On some of the other things, such as being beaten up, etc., I would suggest changing where you live (I know, easier said that done). I don't know of anyone in any of the various places I have lived in my life where anyone has been treated as you describe. I know I would not want to live in an area that treats others as such.

    Work out, eat right, smile and do good things in life. It may take longer to come to you, but it should. Regardless, you only owe it to yourself. You are who is important and you need to know that.
  3. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    pickwith is right to say, "We don't need the approval of others." However, we are all human, and a little recognition for doing good in the world isn't too much to hope for, I believe.

    However, magath, even if no one says "well done," it doesn't necessarily mean they haven't noticed your good work. I bet some people have.

    I also applaud you for all your charity work. I would certainly feel better about myself today if I had done all the wonderful things you have. Think of the positive difference you must have made to so many lives. In a world that is becoming increasingly self-serving and materialistic, you really should feel proud of yourself.

    As for God's "excuse"? I still tenuously hold onto the belief that one day this will all make sense.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sorry you are so alone. But i do want to say I think that what you are contributing to the world is very important. I would imagine that all the suffering and abuse you endured has made you mighty compassionate of other people who are "down and out" as they say. And I am sorry each person has to suffer.

    You say that no one says good job. Or well done. You say you are a Christian. So maybe you can believe that there are a lot of angels and spirit who are very grateful and admiring of what you are doing here on earth.

    I hope you will continue to do the work you came to do. work that helps other people. Sometimes our greatest sorrows and pain allow us to do our greatest work on behalf of humankind. Having said this,. I hope you find love and kindness from people. But please stay alive. The world needs you ! :hug: ps, I am 61 years old. So to me you are a young one :D
  5. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    "pickwith is right to say, "We don't need the approval of others." Wrong, it is a fundamental human need to have positive reinforcement, look up "operant conditioning" and attachment disorders: RAD and DAD for example.
    Prioritize, focus on your needs, job, relationships, hobbies etc, after give time/resources to parents or friends. Let's face it they have let you down while at the sametime allowed (consciously or unconsciously) you to slide into the pit of misery your currently in, so they are another burden to navigate. Start small, go for daily walks, read, write letters, go easy on yourself at least for now.
  6. nuage_fractal

    nuage_fractal Member

    I know exactly how you feel. There's just no place for me in this society. I'm ugly, I have a speech impediment, I lack one finger in my right hand, I'm almost bald at 30, etc. etc. No woman have ever shown any real interest towards me, and even if they have, that interest fades when I open my mouth and reveal the speaking problem. Life just fucking sucks, it always has and it always will because there's just no place for ppl like me in this day and age. Ironically I've always had some good friends but when it comes to women I'm totally fucking hapless. That can't be helped it seems.
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