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  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :sad:

    So I can't stop wondering what triggered this week to be so bad for me.
    I had everything going for me. Of course I had my little issues, but nothing very bad. I've quit smoking a week and a half ago and it's been surprisingly easy for me. I haven't done any drugs for like.. I don't know.. at least a month I think. I haven't self-harmed for about a month either. Apart from a few ouzos at the Greek restaurant last weekend I haven't had a drink in like 3 weeks or so.
    I got up in time, went running about 2 times a week, went to therapy on my bicycle practically every day (4 days a week).

    And the weekend was good. I had a good time at my parents', I saw my friends from secondary school for the first time in like 1.5year and we had a great time. In fact I think I've actually re-found some friendships, including the one that was most important to me.

    But this week. I've been a disaster.
    And I can only think of 2 possible causes. (nightmare or the situation with my sister).

    Sunday/Monday night I've slept for like what.. 2.5hrs? then I woke up cos of a nightmare. Apart from 2 hours yesterday afternoon, I haven't slept any more ever since. My medication causes me to lose my appetite and I just can't get myself to eat anything. From Monday to now, I've only had a fruit-cocktail, a bit of French fries, 3 cookies or so (regular ones), a sandwich, and just now I tried eating a little bit of salad, but I threw it away after barely touching it. My weight isn't the healthiest at the moment :sad: I feel like I've lost at least 1kg the past 3 days. and I'd already lost 3kg over the past 3 weeks. And I keep forgetting to take my meds on time, so I'm taking them at rather irregular times this week.
    I haven't been to therapy at all this week, because I can't get myself to go there. On Monday I skipped because I'd had that nightmare and barely slept. Then on Tuesday I skipped because I decided I needed some rest, physically, because my body is too tired to move. And that was already the case before I started eating so little.

    I feel like I'm sinking down into some kind of burn-out.
    On Sunday evening I came home from the weekend at my parents so I had a full bag with me. I decided to empty the bag and put the stuff in place on Monday morning, and I decided that also I'd tidy my room (which has been covered with piles of laundry, paperwork and just general crap, since Easter already).
    Well, I managed to do my chores in the house yesterday and to do my laundry. But that's all I did. My bag is still standing in my room. Apart from moving it from one place to another, I haven't touched it. The laundry which I did yesterday can now be found all throughout my room. I haven't touched my bed since I took off the sheets to put them with the laundry yesterday.

    What the hell is going on with me?
    I feel like it's mostly due to my emotional state of mind.. but like..
    I don't know. I feel Like I'm losing the plot, big time.
    You wouldn't say it from my typing, as I type really calm and for some reason I manage to take my time to write stuff down, to think about how I'll phrase things and all that. That seems to be the only positive thing this week. Most likely that's due to my medication, because I notice that I am like this after I've taken medication.

    But like. I am losing it somewhere inside. I need to cry, but my body just refuses. It's too tired even to fucking produce tears. And that causes my house mates to think that I'm calm and relaxed, because that's how I come across. I need my mates :sad: But that's not possible at the moment. At least not if we're talking about my three mates here in the house. One of them is not at home and when she IS home, she has a shit-load of work to do after which she goes straight to bed cos she's tired. Another one is in the middle of a break-up with her boyfriend, so she is devastated herself. Barely leaves the bed. I had to make sure she ate something this evening, otherwise she wouldn't have eaten anything. And the other one. Well, she's like.. got all happy things on her mind. I don't want to bother her.

    I am losing it :cry:
     
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Estface, hun. :sad: I can't really offer you words, I'm not good with the whole advice thing, but I'm here if you need an ear, or an eye in this case. :hug:
     
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks Jess :hug:
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :cry: :cry: :cry:
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey, get yourself over to therapy tomorrow ok? maybe splurge and take a taxi? i think you are recognizing the beginnings of a relapse of sorts, and even if you dont' know the reasons all of the evidence is there: no appetite, messing around with meds, skipping therapy, nightmares, not motivated to do chores. best thing is to go back to basics, like sticking with a schedule (including therapy), and keeping busy. you can take time with your therapist to figure out why, but it would be good to get back into a routine before you start to feel worse.
     
  6. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I know the weekend went well but I'm wondering if being home hasnt triggered something in your mind, perhaps too many memories or associations? :unsure:
    Whatever it is, I have to agree with Dazzle. :smile:
    Get back into some sort of routine and definetly get back to see therapist.
    This needs sorting before you disappear all together. :hug:
     
  8. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks all :hug: :hug:

    I know you guys are right. I need to make sure that I get back into a rhythm, to prevent me from falling all the way back to what it was like a few months ago...
    Not sure if I'm gonna go to therapy tomorrow though. It's the last day of therapy of the week tomorrow, so I might as well take that day off too and have a massive clean up of my room or something else to keep me occupied.

    And Terry.. been thinking about it. That trigger. And I think I know what might be the case. Difficult to explain though.

    Anyway I'm way calmer than before. I decided to leave my room and take a long warm relaxing shower. That helped a bit :smile:

    Once again thank you all for the support :hug:
     
  9. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Est:hug:

    Maybe it would be best to stop focusing so much on what the problem is because the reality is that it may not be anything in particular or anything new. Unpredictability is part of mental illness. Just try to keep doing the things that you enjoy and the things that you have learnt help you.

    All the best hun! xo
     
  10. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: Shauns

    Thanks for your kindness. I know you're right. Somehow I just can't help but keep wondering y'know.. Oh well.
     
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    The fact you arent' eating or sleeping well can cause you to become more depressed. You also mention not taking your meds right. Any of these things can contribute to what you are feeling. Get things back under control. Start by taking your meds as you are supposed to and go back to therapy. The nightmares are the hardest to get control over. Once you can get them to ease off you will probably sleep better. You have been doing great lately. Often times we fall back a little and have to fight our way back.You know you can do it as you already have. Hang in there ester. :hug:
     
  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks Gentle :smile: :hug:
     
  13. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    I'm just dropping by to hug Ishy. :hug:
     
  14. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    aww thank Jani, you truly are a human hug-machine! :hug: :hug: Thanks hun, means a lot. :hug:
     
  15. blue shoes

    blue shoes Well-Known Member

    Hey Ish! I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well for you atm. I don't really know what to say other than I am here if you need to talk. :hug:
     
  16. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks Shoes :hug:

    No sweat though. I'm doing way better now. I guess I just had a bit of a low for some days :dunno:
     
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