I'm slowly losing my mind for lack of intimacy with anyone. I'm 35, and I've never shared my life with anyone, never been touched on my back, never walked hand-in-hand, never been touched on the inside of the thigh, never been kissed, and never had sex without paying (if you can call that having sex). I've never done this and nobody has ever done it to me. I'm ashamed of never having done any of this, and white-hot angry for feeling left behind. All the girls I know have told me variations on “No”, “What are you looking at?”, “There must be a mistake, I never gave you any signals” (after yes giving me signals!), “Why can't we just be friends”. As for meeting new girls, I don't know how. Socially, I'm still at kindergarten level, and every girl expects me to behave at least as a young adult, and misread me as uninterested or callous. HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO LEARN IF I CAN'T GET NEAR ANYONE? It did not help that my parents failed to instill me with self-respect, did not make me feel loved, and depended on me for their happiness. It also did not help that I was an only child and my parents felt safer by not encouraging me to leave and meet friends. It did not help that I have a 4 inch penis and was laughed at in locker rooms. It also did not help that I was bullied and my parents were unable to help me or help me to help myself. It did not help that I was put in school one year too early and no girl took me seriously because I was young but tried to behave as if I was older. And now, I'm going crazy with this pain that no therapist can understand. It's like it's okay to live like this, no worries, I know all I need to know, approaching people is innate, my needs can be fulfilled by hugging a pillow, and my sexual shame is not a sexual problem. All I need to do is to not be afraid (by magic?) and take care of myself. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because all my therapists were women. FUCK YOU. FUCK FUCKITY FUCK YOU. MEN ARE WIRED DIFFERENTLY. And therapists have been telling me the same for 15 years. I tried it once with all my heart and even some heart that I didn't in fact have. When I let go of some of my fear and felt a little less ashamed of my body for having taken care of it, I was hurt like never before because all the rest of the problems were still here and I just wasn't able to get near anyone (because they said no, because I couldn't capitalize on their interest, they mistook my floundering for rejection and they gave up) It's become so hard that I can't even meet my female friends, because most or all of them have been approached by me already and told me no, but I'm still in lust for them. These fantasies I can't help to have only leave me disappointed and more desperate. And deathly afraid that my friends notice my desire and react badly and leave me – after all, they already told me they weren't interested, so why do I still desire them? I am afraid (probably because I was TOLD so while I was a teenager) that my desire is inconvenient and unacceptable, so I have to hide it or lose the minimal social contact I have with women. I'm so used to clamping down on my desire that basically I have to be AUTHORIZED by a girl before expressing desire. I have to feel the woman wants me (not just interest, she has to commit by, for example, touching me) before I can unfreeze. Yeah, I think from the point of view of a woman interested in me, I must seem like a cold fish (while burning inside, waiting for her to turn the handle of my flame-thrower). And so, now I feel really depressed. I alternate sleepless nights with tired days, I hate and postpone eating but then go on bulimic-like binges (without throwing up, so I've become huge), I'm getting behind on my work assignments because I can't see anything but this cloud of pain. Instead of doing physical exercise, I jerk off. Instead of leaving my home and seeing a movie, I jerk off. Instead of meeting my friends I jerk off. Instead of housecleaning, I jerk off. In fact, I don't want to be alive but I do not want to hurt my parents.