35 years sexually barren frustrated man

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by brainstorm, Aug 23, 2012.

  1. brainstorm

    brainstorm Well-Known Member

    I'm slowly losing my mind for lack of intimacy with anyone. I'm 35, and I've never shared my life with anyone, never been touched on my back, never walked hand-in-hand, never been touched on the inside of the thigh, never been kissed, and never had sex without paying (if you can call that having sex).

    I've never done this and nobody has ever done it to me. I'm ashamed of never having done any of this, and white-hot angry for feeling left behind.

    All the girls I know have told me variations on “No”, “What are you looking at?”, “There must be a mistake, I never gave you any signals” (after yes giving me signals!), “Why can't we just be friends”. As for meeting new girls, I don't know how. Socially, I'm still at kindergarten level, and every girl expects me to behave at least as a young adult, and misread me as uninterested or callous.


    It did not help that my parents failed to instill me with self-respect, did not make me feel loved, and depended on me for their happiness. It also did not help that I was an only child and my parents felt safer by not encouraging me to leave and meet friends.

    It did not help that I have a 4 inch penis and was laughed at in locker rooms. It also did not help that I was bullied and my parents were unable to help me or help me to help myself.

    It did not help that I was put in school one year too early and no girl took me seriously because I was young but tried to behave as if I was older.

    And now, I'm going crazy with this pain that no therapist can understand. It's like it's okay to live like this, no worries, I know all I need to know, approaching people is innate, my needs can be fulfilled by hugging a pillow, and my sexual shame is not a sexual problem. All I need to do is to not be afraid (by magic?) and take care of myself. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because all my therapists were women.


    And therapists have been telling me the same for 15 years. I tried it once with all my heart and even some heart that I didn't in fact have. When I let go of some of my fear and felt a little less ashamed of my body for having taken care of it, I was hurt like never before because all the rest of the problems were still here and I just wasn't able to get near anyone (because they said no, because I couldn't capitalize on their interest, they mistook my floundering for rejection and they gave up)

    It's become so hard that I can't even meet my female friends, because most or all of them have been approached by me already and told me no, but I'm still in lust for them. These fantasies I can't help to have only leave me disappointed and more desperate. And deathly afraid that my friends notice my desire and react badly and leave me – after all, they already told me they weren't interested, so why do I still desire them?

    I am afraid (probably because I was TOLD so while I was a teenager) that my desire is inconvenient and unacceptable, so I have to hide it or lose the minimal social contact I have with women.

    I'm so used to clamping down on my desire that basically I have to be AUTHORIZED by a girl before expressing desire. I have to feel the woman wants me (not just interest, she has to commit by, for example, touching me) before I can unfreeze. Yeah, I think from the point of view of a woman interested in me, I must seem like a cold fish (while burning inside, waiting for her to turn the handle of my flame-thrower).

    And so, now I feel really depressed. I alternate sleepless nights with tired days, I hate and postpone eating but then go on bulimic-like binges (without throwing up, so I've become huge), I'm getting behind on my work assignments because I can't see anything but this cloud of pain. Instead of doing physical exercise, I jerk off. Instead of leaving my home and seeing a movie, I jerk off. Instead of meeting my friends I jerk off. Instead of housecleaning, I jerk off.

    In fact, I don't want to be alive but I do not want to hurt my parents.
  2. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    You should be getting some exercise. Even if you don't see gains right away, in the long term it will help you. I was actually pretty frustrated after I started and stopped making gains after about the first two months… then I changed things up a bit and now I look a lot better than I did back in December. I think the trick is to always push yourself a little, but not too much… for example, make sure you mostly finish every lap you run but always be open to the possibility of running another lap if you're not too tired… set goals while you're exercising and listen to your body-- there's a difference between the point where your mind tells you to stop and the point where your body tells you to stop.

    Seriously-- if you start getting more exercise, at the very least that's less time you can spend jerking off, which definitely isn't helping your troubles with women, and is probably either causing them or making them worse.

    Can you switch to a male therapist?

    As for the intimacy-- not sure how to solve that, because I also have problems… but the exercise has helped, really it has. Just get through the awkward, hopeless stage where you're just starting out and eventually you'll feel better.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just a random thought that you may have already tried... but online dating site? That way, you can fill out a profile with what you're interested in and try to meet people that way.
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    May I ask why you have not seen a male therapist by any chance? They may be able to understand you on a level that no woman can, as you have mentioned that we men are wired differently.

    I totally understand your feelings, though my differences are that I am 10 years older than you and still a virgin, not even paid sex. I really can't imagine doing something so intimate as having sex with someone I don't love (corny I know), or at least with someone who only is doing it for ulterior motives (eg. money).

    I also understand your frustration at feeling completely alone. It feels like all the men and women our age have had sex multiple times and they just can't even contemplate people like us existing in the first place, us "freaks" that have never had a relationship before. But as you mentioned, the cause was from your upbringing, through forces unfortunately that you could not control and now you have to pay the price for it, as do I. :(

    At least you know you aren't totally alone in your situation, especially here. Its just that people like us are hidden from society. Its not exactly the proudest thing to say that I am a young adult or beyond and yet still a complete, utter virgin. So we have to hide it from others as best as possible for fear of extreme shame and ridicule. I completely understand and there's lot of us out in this society, suffering in silence.
  5. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    Hey guys

    I read an article a while ago about people who were still virgins in their 30s... there are more of them than you might think and they tend to shy away from talking about it, I guess because they think it's embarrassing. They were male and female... some of them were actually successful and good-looking too.

    I wouldn't want to encourage any illegal activity, but I don't think that prostitution is the horrible dirty crime that some people make it out to be... and in some ways, it's a legitimate profession-- in fact, I wouldn't say that it's so different from a psychiatrist or chiropractor or other therapist, and it's only our puritanical societies that make it so. I would never encourage slavery or drug addiction or human trafficking, so you have to watch for that and make sure you can find someone who genuinely takes their work seriously and isn't just doing it for other reasons, but there are some girls out there who are legitimate, and they're far more careful than your average promiscuous 20 year old girl in a bar who hasn't learned the difference between positive and negative attention.

    I don't think that sex is the huge controversy that everyone seems to make it into... whether or not it effects your ability to fall in love or have normal relationships depends on you. Love and sex are so far removed from each other that I don't even think they have so much of a bearing on each other. So yeah, love isn't sex, and sex isn't love... if you can keep that straight, then you don't need to worry about it. And it's not like you don't care about/don't like the person you're having sex with... if that's true then you shouldn't do it, because it will be bad. But if you like people in general I don't think it's going to be such a problem.

    The sex isn't even the main thing... the main thing is that the good ones really try to understand you, and they should also be very encouraging and open to all kinds of problems and anxieties and hang ups that you might have. They're not observing with a detached, clinical eye... they really do want to be able to reach you. Yes, it's for money, but that's not the only thing involved.

    I don't think it's something you should do all the time and no, it's not a substitute for a real relationship, but real relationships take a lot of work and to me it seems like they can easily go wrong at any moment if you don't know what you're doing, and that's if you even find out that you like each other. If you're torturing yourself to the point where you can't even look at a girl you like or experience anxieties of all kinds that really do rob you of your ability to be yourself around these girls... then I can say for sure that a good prostitute will probably be able to help you. You don't even need to have sex, you can just practice being intimate... some of these girls understand that there is a time in your life when if you're not already hooked up, it becomes extremely hard to find/meet people, and intimacy can be difficult or awkward and it all makes you feel hopeless... you can often just let her take the lead and show you how it works.

    But yeah, just don't think that all women are going to be like that or that it's normal... and some people will probably judge you for doing it, but it's not like they have the slightest clue what they're talking about so it doesn't matter.

    For the record, I've only slept with a prostitute once and I didn't know she was one, and yes I freaked out but now that I think about it it really wasn't so different from sleeping with anyone else... I don't really know if she was really feeling what she seemed to be feeling but I don't think there's any real reason to believe that she wasn't... and it wasn't like one of those 'hurry up and get off me so I can get my money' things... prostitutes are people too, just like everyone else.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 23, 2012
  6. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    If you makes you feel any better, I'm a 38 year old (attractive in my opinion) female who has never had any of the above you mentioned. The most I ever came to "intimacy" was hugging someone for less than 3 seconds. So it just doesn't happen to men.
  7. WonderClub

    WonderClub Member

    Some people just don't meet anyone special they are compatible with until later in life. There's lots of different reasons for attraction not just looks based. I think this is probably something you shouldn't stress over and something that will happen when you don't expect it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2012