35th wedding anniversary

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cymbele, Mar 26, 2014.

  1. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I am divorced from my ex for 6 years. We would have been married for 35 years yesterday. I was sad but determined to get through the day without crying until he sent me a note saying that he remembered the day and the good times and wished me well. That sent me into a tailspin and I cried again at work (no one noticed Thank God). Then he talked to my daughter regretting the circumstances that drove us apart - he didn't cheat we just grew apart with different interests. She came to me to see how I was doing and the tears opened up again.

    I wish I didn't have depression and bipolar. I wish I didn't break up the marriage by writing in my journal that I wished to be separated - he read my journal. I wish I could change back the clock and repair the damage before it happened. I wish I wish I wish life wasn't so depressing. All I know is that I would give anything to be with him again. I know that he is hurting and wish to hold him and tell him that I am so sorry I wrote those things.

    Maybe it's for the best. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with me either before the meds kicked in. Sometimes I want to punish myself by killing myself but that won't help anyone.

    I'm just so sad. They say divorce is like death, a death of hopes and a life together. Sure hard when the anniversary date comes around each year and see couples profess their love to one another on FB and we're not together at all.

    I don't know why I had to post this. I have to get it out somehow. If my friend from afar wasn't visiting on Saturday I would go see my therapist but my friend is coming and this will be the first time in many months that I will see my friend. I haven't see my therapist in 6 months. I'm rambling now.
  2. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    I've never really heard anyone say that, you should view it as a new beginning, a chance to renew all of your hopes and dreams from a fresh perspective unhindered by problems of the past.

    Remain positive with a steady outlook and you will have a much better time. You should be pleased that your ex is friendly and that you terminated on good terms, you are both mature adults and have the ability to view each other as valuable. This means you both have value and you both have good qualities to share with others. You are not "nothing" and you do not need "punishing", you just need to reframe your perspective from a position of positivity, not negativity. You are more than your relationships with others.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ex obviously care for you a great deal to call you hun perhaps writing a letter of what you are feeling and why would help you even if you do not send it to him might just help to release some pain hugs
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Cymbele. My divorce was like a "death" in that it was the ending of a way of life, a way of seeing myself and my role in the world. It was hard - especially around anniversaries and holidays. I think you have managed really well! Six years on and holding yourself together - that's something to be proud of! :)

    Now that some time has passed, maybe Cat of Spades has a point - this could now be the beginning of different but good times for you. I sure hope so. Sounds like you deserve them. I'm glad you posted and let your feelings out. Please take care and stay safe. :arms:
  5. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Cat/Acy - my therapist has said I seem happier since the divorce but I don't feel it. But I have to trust my therapist as she has not let me down. It 's the anniversaries that make it hard. We got divorced 7 days before the 30th anniversary. I've been dreaming about him and his cabin in the woods almost every night this past month. Maybe since the day has passed I can go back to being normal.

    TE = Thanks for the suggestion. Writing here is kind of like that.
    I miss him but it will never be what it was nor will ever be.