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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Casey., Jun 5, 2008.

  1. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    Just stop it. Just fucking stop it. You know what you are and you know who you are, so just stop it. And why the fuck not.
    Why the fuck not right now.
    "Because I've people that care"
    "Because I'm good at something"
    "Because I am smart"
    Bullshit. I have people that say they care. I've something that I am good at, and thats only because I worked ten times as hard as everyone else to be half as good. Do you know how many hours I spent practicing? It was all I would do. It was a compulsion. It wasn't a passion, it was an obsession. I would spend hours until my lips bled. Does that make you believe me? I have problems too. I am not bragging. I won't deny that I am good. Fuck, yes I am good. I spend hours. I spend months. I spent years getting where I am. It wasn't motivation, it was insanity. I am smart. No. I spent hours trying to get the teachers to see me. In kindergarden, I would act better than the rest of the kids. I knew how to get them to see me, and when they didn't, I would work harder, be better, act stronger. It was all an act. Thats all. I am not smart. I remember things. The things that are least important. I lose weeks of my life at a time. But it's the information that I remember. I can tell you what we were doing in math class the day she died. But I can't tell you what her mom said when she told me. I can tell you what my physics teacher had us do for homework. Down to the page number and the problems. But I can't rember the sound of her voice. Do you know how much that hurts me? Do you know what it's like to remember the music and the words, but not the feelings and the people that matter? Music means nothing without emotions. Knowledge has no value when you're a zombie. I am a zombie. I wake up, and I'm out. I wish I could stay in for five fucking minutes to explain myself to everyone. Just let me be me. I just want to be me. Because this swinging back and forth, that isn't me. No one really knows me. She did. But shhh. Its a secret. No one can know who Andrea is, because if it gets out Ashleigh will be pissed. This isn't me. I am not like this. I am not like this. I am not like this. This isn't me. This isn't truly me. Well then who the fuck is? Andrea? Ashleigh? Ashton? Drea? How many people do I have to change into before I find myself? Maybe that is what hell is. You go mad, and all of your demons come and get you just as fast as you can think them up. I want someone to run their fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look,
    experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand. I like her too much. Way way way way way too much. it will never ever ever ever ever work. Not in a million years. not in her situation. But I can't stop looking at her. I miss her. (no, not April).
     
  2. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    I know what you're doing, you're doing EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID SO JUST STOP IT OKAY. JUST STOP IT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING IT WONT WORK I WONT LET YOU. YOU ARE WRONG, YOU ARE ALL WRONG, SHE WAS WRONG, JUST STOP IT, I SEE THROUGH YOU.
    I see through you.
     
  3. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    You try so hard to see through me that you look straight past me.
     
  4. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    I don't know who you are but I relate to so much of your post.

    .....I love the way you write, the way you talk about things.

    I know this isn't much help.

    Or maybe you feel like I'm intruding on you. But just to let you know.

    I apologise if this seems like an intrusion.

    I know how much that hurts, I felt so much like that in my last years of school...I felt like I was going crazy and 'where am i' thing. 'where am i, who am i, this is such a fucking joke i need to get out '
     
  5. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    i'm Putting So Much Effort Into You, Would You Please Just Tell Me? Why Can't You Just Tell Me? Do You Know How Much I Care About You? Does That Even Matter To You? Does It Matter That I Am Sobbing Right Now Because I Am So Scared For You? Do You Even Care? Do You Even Think Twice About What You Are Doing To Me? You Are A Liar, You Play The Game Just Like I Play The Game, You Play It Well, A Little Part Of Me Thinks That This Isn't A Game But Rather What Actually Happened. And I Am So Scared That That Is True. Do You Know What You Have Put Me Through In The Past Three Days? Do You Even Care? I Know What You Are And I Know Who You Are, I Am Not Stupid. What Do You Take Me For?
     
  6. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: Andrea :hug: :hug:
     
  7. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    You're right. And I hate that. You are absolutely right, and it makes me want to hurt myself. Not cut. Not burn. Not suicide. I want to hurt myself so badly that the scars never fade. I want to hurt myself so badly that it hurts forever and so that I will live with it forever. I want to hurt myself so badly that the pain never ever stops. So badly that I there is nothing to be done. Permanent but not lethal. I deserve that. I am not proud of what I am. I am not in love with who I am. I hate it. I hate me. Ashleigh could tell you. There is a reason beyond what I believe any of you could understand as to why I changed my name. There is a reaons for nearly everything I do or say. Those reasons may not be for what you think they are. There is one word I wish I could say to all of you. Just one word. I wish you would understand that word and not judge it. There has to be another one out there like me. Just like me. Why would I ***** about that? About something like that? Yes, I am ******* but I have problems too. Just because I am ******* doesn't mean I am not just like you. If only you knew...
     
  8. tintin

    tintin Guest

    :rolleyes::rolleyes:wtf andrea......
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2008
  9. tintin

    tintin Guest

    ty for bringin our discussion to S.F real grown up off u....:wink:
     
  10. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    Becca.... I wasn't even talking about you, or our discussion.
     
  11. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Andrea what i said i meant.. block me ignore me i dont care its not going to change my opiniion on you. I don't like arguing with people i hate confrontation but you think its okay to come in chat and say "i hate everyone" and not expect people to react...WTF!

    OH and if you ask for hugs and people give them you dont start screwing on them. It's all for attention everything you do is attention. You ge the attention but your still not happy!!!

    You got my attention but not in the way you expected... you thought i would be like oh Andrea wats rong hun not to stand my ground and ask you what your problem was... I'm not sure you even know what it is... Your problem has been condensced with all them lies you tell im not sure you know what the truth is but some of the things you have lied about are so pathetic i dont see the point Andrea/Ashleigh (if thats what ur called u cudda lied about tht too). Whatever your called your twenty years old... Act it instead of trying to fob people off with lies and then putting more lies on top to cover yourself...Sorry Andrea but i cant believe a word that comes out of your mouth so just dont talk to me.... OK?
     
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I hope everything is ok Andrea. :hug:
     
  13. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    I love you.
     
  14. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    Everyone.
     
  15. tintin

    tintin Guest

    make you mind up firsrt u hate every1 now love em...
    wtf..
    way t be dramatic...
     
  16. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Please stop arguing in threads. It isn't helping anything. I know people are angry and hurt but this isn't solving anything.