36 hours.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Raven, Mar 3, 2015.

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  1. Raven

    Raven Guest

    One day at a time, I have lost so much for the want of the spirits, years drunk and waiting for the night I would drink enough to never wake up again. Getting this right will take a long time, it will take many weeks and maybe many years and the true damage will never be undone. Time I have lost with the friends, the critters and the people I care for so dearly.

    Depression is a dark road without end, it is a road littered with pitfalls, I do not think things will grow better only that I will once again be able to enjoy the few things I truly cared for once again. I make no illusions that I have beaten my addiction far from it I see for the first time the long road and how high it rises before me. I have always told myself in the past I could stop whenever I wanted and for the most part I could, finding myself in the grips of something I was using as a crutch to slowly kill myself took its toll and I saw for the first time a future that really had nothing at the end of the road but my own end.

    My heart has truly been crushed by the amazing response of people I hardly know willing to throw so much support my way, the self inflicted wound is the hardest to accept any help for, when you have done this to yourself you feel so un-responsive to any’s help or encouraging words. Being who I am failure never seemed something one could ask help for, it was a pit you digged yourself out of and one you where wholly responsible for.

    In the end I do not want to be that person, the one who let life slip away in a bottle day by day getting worse, the fool standing with his pants round his ankles too drunk to notice. I have had so many people tell me they are worried about my drinking and never a one would lift a hand to say they would help, I am not sure why but you find your true friends when you truly ask for just a sympathetic but not critical ear. I will always wonder why the friends I knew in my real life seem so much faker then the ones I know who are so far away.

    Will I fall or will I succeed I wish I knew, I know this if I go back to the way I was it would be a lot simpler and cheaper to just walk away from life. I am not ready for that, not yet. I am ready to put that part of my behind me and accept the pain for what it was and still is, people leaning on me who never really I don’t think cared for me or least did not know how. I know I can forgive them, I think in their own way they tried.

    36 hours sober, I never thought I would find myself celebrating a day and half of not drinking, I never thought it would ever get that out of control.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    They just might end up being the best 36 hours of your life. While the spirits are a temporary fix, a lasting fix is much harder to obtain but I believe you can do it.
    Well done on the 36 hours, great achievement so far. Keep the hours running. Just want to wish you the best and hope you can beat this. Best of luck.
    Any addiction is hard to beat, be as strong as you can be my friend, keep the will power you currently have :)
  3. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    It's good to hear your effort, it is not an easy thing to overcome. i think finding something to replace this habit will really help, not sure what ... but keeping busy (mind occupied etc) will help. As you get more time under your belt i think it will become easier.
    It's common to have a blip when trying to cut down stop etc, as long as you are still trying i am confident you will get there, well done Raven keep trying.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    "the self inflicted wound is the hardest to accept any help for"

    But it doesn't mean you shouldn't have help.
    We are all flawed, doing things we regret and can never undo, that just makes us human!
    Try not to beat yourself up, in a way that is a road to defeat, but think on the good in yourself, those that have loved you, those that have walked your road and got off the booze highway.
    Maybe AA might help?
  5. Raven

    Raven Guest

    I had the most massive attack of anxiety at work I have had in a long time, almost had someone pick me up because I was sure I was not going to make it home. I wanted to go and buy a drink that bad, it was crushing I have never been able to resist the call when it gets that bad.

    I wrote on my wall,

    You beat it tonight
    You can beat it any-night

    i don't think I have passed some magic milestone, I don't think the cravings will go away, but I proved one thing I can take my car and I can pass up the stop.

    [FONT=arial, sans-serif]72 hours sober.[/FONT]
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    It may be self-inflicted, but it's not completely your fault. Addiction reprograms your brain and makes you need to hurt yourself because it deludes you that you're not going to survive if you don't. So, don't put yourself down so much and forgive yourself. You're not the only one having a hard time trying to do the right thing, and it doesn't mean that you're weak or a failure. In fact, think of it this way. It wants you to blame yourself and feel like shit because if you do, you're more likely to have another drink. Don't buy into it, you're better and smarter than that and you're not alone. Congratulations and keep fighting.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Well done Raven, you are kicking it's ass. Keep it up, 72 hours is a great achievement, be proud and keep updating us here please.
  8. Raven

    Raven Guest

    No sleep last night, not even the sleeping pill knocked me out, but dang I am out of it tired today. But much better day and 96 hours, new record for about 4 years.

    would say more but I wanna shower smoke and head off to bed.
  9. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    96 hours - keep going! Well done :hug:
  10. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Way to go Raven! I know this is rough. My brother went through it. He checked himself in to a treatment program many years ago. Has been sober for over 15 years. He still attends AA meetings to get continued support. It has made a huge difference for him in his relationships with others. Especially his daughter. I hope you will continue the fight, and get any help you can. IT CAN BE DONE!
  11. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Brave you. Keep on keeping on.
  12. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Be strong my friend. We are all.behind you and be safe. Like bayareagirl says "Brave You". I second that.....
  13. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Wow, I didn't know you were clean for the first time in 4 years. That's amazing. Gives everyone else suffering from addiction the same hope.
  14. Raven

    Raven Guest

    Another day down, for the most part I feel better then I have in a long time. Its amazing not waking up hung over and no more planning the route home based on what booze store is open. Half a liter to a liter a night for years took its toll I am sure. The worst part about the ordeal has been the insomnia and I am glad I am dealing with this now as later would not have been much of an option. That is the thing with an addiction it only gets worse the further down the road you go.
  15. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well done. I'm so glad you have survived but my apologies for the insomnia. You are no doubt tired.
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are having a better day today Raven hugs You deserve better days
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Well done Raven. I am really glad you have found the motivation and strength to continue with this. Being clean for after 4 years is amazing and you should be so proud! SO proud!!

    Best wishes for the further days down the line. You can beat this. And we're all behind you.
  18. Raven

    Raven Guest

    17 days so far, the sleeping seems to be hit or miss but I am sure that will work itself out. Only had one day where I was almost curled up into a ball wanting to go get a drink, after about 5 days I have walked down the beer isle looked at the 10$ price tag for cheap crap beer and I realized just how much I was spending on the stuff. The nice thing being I never drank at bar's or with friends I always drank alone so I don't have the social pressure as I was always the guy who went to the party and drank a coke, go figure.
  19. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    How is it going now Raven?
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