One day at a time, I have lost so much for the want of the spirits, years drunk and waiting for the night I would drink enough to never wake up again. Getting this right will take a long time, it will take many weeks and maybe many years and the true damage will never be undone. Time I have lost with the friends, the critters and the people I care for so dearly. Depression is a dark road without end, it is a road littered with pitfalls, I do not think things will grow better only that I will once again be able to enjoy the few things I truly cared for once again. I make no illusions that I have beaten my addiction far from it I see for the first time the long road and how high it rises before me. I have always told myself in the past I could stop whenever I wanted and for the most part I could, finding myself in the grips of something I was using as a crutch to slowly kill myself took its toll and I saw for the first time a future that really had nothing at the end of the road but my own end. My heart has truly been crushed by the amazing response of people I hardly know willing to throw so much support my way, the self inflicted wound is the hardest to accept any help for, when you have done this to yourself you feel so un-responsive to any’s help or encouraging words. Being who I am failure never seemed something one could ask help for, it was a pit you digged yourself out of and one you where wholly responsible for. In the end I do not want to be that person, the one who let life slip away in a bottle day by day getting worse, the fool standing with his pants round his ankles too drunk to notice. I have had so many people tell me they are worried about my drinking and never a one would lift a hand to say they would help, I am not sure why but you find your true friends when you truly ask for just a sympathetic but not critical ear. I will always wonder why the friends I knew in my real life seem so much faker then the ones I know who are so far away. Will I fall or will I succeed I wish I knew, I know this if I go back to the way I was it would be a lot simpler and cheaper to just walk away from life. I am not ready for that, not yet. I am ready to put that part of my behind me and accept the pain for what it was and still is, people leaning on me who never really I don’t think cared for me or least did not know how. I know I can forgive them, I think in their own way they tried. 36 hours sober, I never thought I would find myself celebrating a day and half of not drinking, I never thought it would ever get that out of control.