- Status
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You folks are making me smile inspite of SOOOOoooo many bullshit things. It does not STOP the bullshit in any way, shape, or form - and it still keeps piling up, up, up, up, up. But if I can still smile (even rarely) - it makes me feel like I'm somehow getting to tell Life to FUCK THE HELL OFF!!!!!!! 
"You ain't got ALL of me yet!!!!! And I'll be bum-fucked if I let ya steal ALL my sense of humour that i fought the hardest to keep through all the crap you sent me - even if it's BLACK!!!!!" (George Carlin, i like to think, would be proud :smile
I DO miss my sleep tho - the one "acceptable and justifiable" escape. And i loved every second "away". I feel so bad for those who never got their share of restful & calming "time out"...:sad: I think my body is revolting against all the abuse I've put it through. However, I am JUST as revolted by the abuse LIFE has put me through. Weird kinda stalemate. Not likely I will "win" - but we'll see how long I can hold out...
"You ain't got ALL of me yet!!!!! And I'll be bum-fucked if I let ya steal ALL my sense of humour that i fought the hardest to keep through all the crap you sent me - even if it's BLACK!!!!!" (George Carlin, i like to think, would be proud :smileI DO miss my sleep tho - the one "acceptable and justifiable" escape. And i loved every second "away". I feel so bad for those who never got their share of restful & calming "time out"...:sad: I think my body is revolting against all the abuse I've put it through. However, I am JUST as revolted by the abuse LIFE has put me through. Weird kinda stalemate. Not likely I will "win" - but we'll see how long I can hold out...
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Breathe...
I am NOT losing my mind tonite!!
Breathe...
Apparently I can only sleep for 1 1/2 hours at a time now
Breathe...
I am watching my body falling to pieces before my eyes (but i guess being biodegradable is one of our more endearing features when it comes to this planet)
Breathe...
Is this stupid American election coverage EVER gonna be over?! Every 4 years of supreme navel-gazing?! It's like being forced to watch a NASCAR race with 2 cars in it -- for a whole year!!
Breathe...
I have a whole carton of smokes, AND a new lighter!!! Yeah - the irony, I know...
Breathe...
I wish I didn't have to let go of my foster child, Mayama - but my savings are about gone. I sure hope someone else who takes over next recognizes her wondrous creativity.
Breathe...
It feels good to be grateful and to smile despite a hellish amount of crap.
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe...
Gonna have a shower I think. But it always reminds me that lots of people in the world don't even have enough water to drink in a day.
But I'll breathe... and say Thanks.
I am NOT losing my mind tonite!!
Breathe...
Apparently I can only sleep for 1 1/2 hours at a time now
Breathe...
I am watching my body falling to pieces before my eyes (but i guess being biodegradable is one of our more endearing features when it comes to this planet)
Breathe...
Is this stupid American election coverage EVER gonna be over?! Every 4 years of supreme navel-gazing?! It's like being forced to watch a NASCAR race with 2 cars in it -- for a whole year!!
Breathe...
I have a whole carton of smokes, AND a new lighter!!! Yeah - the irony, I know...
Breathe...
I wish I didn't have to let go of my foster child, Mayama - but my savings are about gone. I sure hope someone else who takes over next recognizes her wondrous creativity.
Breathe...
It feels good to be grateful and to smile despite a hellish amount of crap.
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe...
Gonna have a shower I think. But it always reminds me that lots of people in the world don't even have enough water to drink in a day.
But I'll breathe... and say Thanks.
R
Last year or maybe the year before (time doesn't have alot of meaning for me) I was getting nasty anxiety attacks for about 3 weeks, in them I would go to bed and just a I was falling asleep my breathing would stop, then after about a tinyu bit I would realise and the shock would force me to gasp for another breathe, I would get up and try to distract myself for a bit then go back to bed, rinse repeat until my anxiety went away.
Not sure if it was anxiety, went to the hospital and they gave me some valium, only small doses, but it had no effect, I went to the dr after a few days and he didn't seem to want to take it further, guess it wasn't anything serious cause it went away after a bit.
Not sure if it was anxiety, went to the hospital and they gave me some valium, only small doses, but it had no effect, I went to the dr after a few days and he didn't seem to want to take it further, guess it wasn't anything serious cause it went away after a bit.
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Yeah - it's that GASPING thing! God knows i LOVE my waterbed and the duvet blankie - and i almost always have the fan on. Makes me feel like i'm sleeping near the ocean and there's a soothing breeze (not to mention "white noise" to distract me from my thoughts). But yeah, Robin - I think it WAS some weird panic thing! Could also have been combined with the beginning of 'withdrawal' (I's an alkie) - which is one addiction when you're coming off of that can actually kill you.
But I am NOT going into the hospital again!! Between me and my mom and all the times we've been in - we should have Frequent Flyer Miles by now that would have taken us to Hawaii, Alaska, and Australia several times over!
And btw - I think your Doc fucked up! With the dosage of your valium AND not following through. But it's hard to bitch and raise some real hell when you already feel like hell - and all they do is look at you with that expression of pity mixed with exasperation -- "Well, they're just crazy anyway". Last year when i checked into a really decent hospital out-of-town for concurrent disorders - they put me on a measured dose and weened me off slowly for 2 weeks.
WHY does "Health Care" have to be such a freakin oxymoron in so many more places than NOT?!
But I am NOT going into the hospital again!! Between me and my mom and all the times we've been in - we should have Frequent Flyer Miles by now that would have taken us to Hawaii, Alaska, and Australia several times over!
And btw - I think your Doc fucked up! With the dosage of your valium AND not following through. But it's hard to bitch and raise some real hell when you already feel like hell - and all they do is look at you with that expression of pity mixed with exasperation -- "Well, they're just crazy anyway". Last year when i checked into a really decent hospital out-of-town for concurrent disorders - they put me on a measured dose and weened me off slowly for 2 weeks.
WHY does "Health Care" have to be such a freakin oxymoron in so many more places than NOT?!
F
F'n pay back apparently for my having escaped into the blessed oblivion of sleep for longer than an hour and a half...
Waking up with a jolting start to a nightmare that could well actually be true!!
*Rolling eyes* *Shaking head* *Stunned with disgust* *Hates the universe*
Is there NO END to how many ways you can torture us??
*Rhetorical shrug* *STILL shaking head*
*STILL looking for the Cosmic "Kick Me" sign some of us come into this world with, that OTHER folks say we're simply 'paranoid' about - because THEY happened have a Golden Horseshoe up their asses, at least this time around*
*Knows good and damned well how Nostradamus musta felt without any compassion and empathy whatsoever for his supposed "gift" (which FYI, means POISON in German!. But the "Golden Horseshoe Folks" think of as a quaint euphemism)
Waking up with a jolting start to a nightmare that could well actually be true!!
*Rolling eyes* *Shaking head* *Stunned with disgust* *Hates the universe*
Is there NO END to how many ways you can torture us??
*Rhetorical shrug*
*STILL shaking head* *STILL looking for the Cosmic "Kick Me" sign some of us come into this world with, that OTHER folks say we're simply 'paranoid' about - because THEY happened have a Golden Horseshoe up their asses, at least this time around*
*Knows good and damned well how Nostradamus musta felt without any compassion and empathy whatsoever for his supposed "gift" (which FYI, means POISON in German!. But the "Golden Horseshoe Folks" think of as a quaint euphemism)
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Kinda p*ssed my appointment didn't show up - supposed to help me get my will together. Intentions aside (present or not), damn is it a LOT of work to figure out who gets all your accumulated shit! (Nevermind crossing all the T's and dotting all the I's or some lawyer or Gov't representative will find a reason to have it revoked) Which all seems F'n futile anyway, since one day down the road - near or far - it's ALL gonna end up in a landfill anyway!!
Still doing "cleaning up" nevertheless where I can - taking care of little odds and sods. Deleted a whole bunch of email addys this morning. That was kinda freeing! :smile:
Ever really go through and check your own list? You know -- the kinda folks who never actually even remotely "communicate", other than to forward saccharine shit, or pass on "WARNINGS!!!!!!!!" without checking Snopes or HoaxBusters first?? Even though you have "kindly" suggested it on numerous occasions, and let them know (also "kindly") it's been circulating on The Net for TEN FREAKING YEARS. And when you finally get pissed off enough to say " KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!! ", they're like wow - aren't you an uber-sensitive bitch and a half!!
Some days...Some days I think you should have to get a license to be on The Net!! In fact, I'm surprised no one's thought of it yet. I mean, the potential revenue has got to be even greater than selling all the equipment/updates/contracts/etc/etc/etc -- Why not kill two birds with one stone??
Um, anywaze - them folks are now off my list!! :smile:
And speak of the devil (which I started with) - my 'appointment' just called & he'll be here round 4:00. Yeah - we'll see... :dry:
Still doing "cleaning up" nevertheless where I can - taking care of little odds and sods. Deleted a whole bunch of email addys this morning. That was kinda freeing! :smile:
Ever really go through and check your own list? You know -- the kinda folks who never actually even remotely "communicate", other than to forward saccharine shit, or pass on "WARNINGS!!!!!!!!" without checking Snopes or HoaxBusters first?? Even though you have "kindly" suggested it on numerous occasions, and let them know (also "kindly") it's been circulating on The Net for TEN FREAKING YEARS. And when you finally get pissed off enough to say "
KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!! ", they're like wow - aren't you an uber-sensitive bitch and a half!! Some days...Some days I think you should have to get a license to be on The Net!! In fact, I'm surprised no one's thought of it yet. I mean, the potential revenue has got to be even greater than selling all the equipment/updates/contracts/etc/etc/etc -- Why not kill two birds with one stone??
Um, anywaze - them folks are now off my list!! :smile:
And speak of the devil (which I started with) - my 'appointment' just called & he'll be here round 4:00. Yeah - we'll see... :dry:
F
WARNING**triggering** tho no methods
Just woke up a little while ago. Why isn't it "tomorrow" already? And I'm not dead yet??
I'm pretty sure now that I have sleep apnea on top of things. The edema is prolly contributing too. One of my last pleasures - disappearing under my wonderful duvet - has disappeared. Instead of you just going away, sleep apnea wakes you up. Often shockingly and disturbed. Cuz you never get any REM sleep. Your body yells "No OXYGEN!! Too much Carbon Dioxide. Your HEART stopped!! Wake the fuck UP!!!"
Why not just give up and get it over with, body? There is NO way I'm going into a sleep clinic and all that rigmarole when I've got my 'other' plans about sewn up. Just another straw among countless. But way to drag things out universe. You torture some of us from dawn to dusk, day after day, year after year, and into endless nights - expect us to put up with it. And when we rightfully decide we've had uber-enough in goddamned spades - you fuck with that too. And btw - screw the notion it's "a sign". Am shaking my head when I think of all the other "signs" that turned out to be Dead-end cosmic jokes all these years. "Pull my finger" has gotten old a LONG time ago!
There's a new note on my fridge now about who to call "incase of emergency" (yeah - THAT kind of emergency) - my executor's #. My 'appointment' showed up yesterday afternoon after all. T's crossed. I's dotted. Witnessed. Signed. And a DNR. Did you know btw that sometimes they have handwriting 'experts' analyze your personal hand-writing in the will to determine that you were actually "of sound mind"?? Jeezus H. KerYst. As if anyone not living through hell is entitled to judge...
:dry:
Just woke up a little while ago. Why isn't it "tomorrow" already? And I'm not dead yet??
I'm pretty sure now that I have sleep apnea on top of things. The edema is prolly contributing too. One of my last pleasures - disappearing under my wonderful duvet - has disappeared. Instead of you just going away, sleep apnea wakes you up. Often shockingly and disturbed. Cuz you never get any REM sleep. Your body yells "No OXYGEN!! Too much Carbon Dioxide. Your HEART stopped!! Wake the fuck UP!!!"
Why not just give up and get it over with, body? There is NO way I'm going into a sleep clinic and all that rigmarole when I've got my 'other' plans about sewn up. Just another straw among countless. But way to drag things out universe. You torture some of us from dawn to dusk, day after day, year after year, and into endless nights - expect us to put up with it. And when we rightfully decide we've had uber-enough in goddamned spades - you fuck with that too. And btw - screw the notion it's "a sign". Am shaking my head when I think of all the other "signs" that turned out to be Dead-end cosmic jokes all these years. "Pull my finger" has gotten old a LONG time ago!
There's a new note on my fridge now about who to call "incase of emergency" (yeah - THAT kind of emergency) - my executor's #. My 'appointment' showed up yesterday afternoon after all. T's crossed. I's dotted. Witnessed. Signed. And a DNR. Did you know btw that sometimes they have handwriting 'experts' analyze your personal hand-writing in the will to determine that you were actually "of sound mind"?? Jeezus H. KerYst. As if anyone not living through hell is entitled to judge...
:dry:
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:blink:
Half an hour??
I slept a mere half an hour??!
This sleep apnea of late is making me feel like one of the "4 Yorkshiremen" in the Monty Python skit... :dry:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo
..."I had to get up in the morning at 10:00 at night, half an hour before I went to bed"
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Half an hour??
I slept a mere half an hour??!
This sleep apnea of late is making me feel like one of the "4 Yorkshiremen" in the Monty Python skit... :dry:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo
..."I had to get up in the morning at 10:00 at night, half an hour before I went to bed"
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F
Mom,
I don't know what to say. We talk everyday. And we get to talk about lots of stuff we couldn't be honest with others about. Cuz we’ve gone through so much together. But your problems are such a burden on me. It's very much of the reason I'm in the shape I'm in - being busy taking care of you these years. I told you that if my brother moved in things would change. You betrayed me and said it would never happen. But it did. So i backed off.
I've been fighting for my own sanity for all these years as well. You keep telling me how deep-down sad and tired you are. God knows i believe you. And I know you have a lot of endless woe, physical and otherwise. More than any one I personally know actually. For God's sake I already said "Goodbye" to you 4 times over these years and made peace with it, only wishing for your peace and that you be out of pain. But I've had my own. And when you tell me you couldn't stand it if anything else bad happened - I want to scream that I'M IN THE SAME BOAT. But shit keeps happening!!
I want to leave. And I have as many hundred reasons as you do. So when you say you’re soul-weary - I believe you because I have and feel that miserable state myself. And I can't stay just for you. I can’t stay just to carry you till you’re done – and then be your executor to clean up all the shit - plus be forced to deal with my past-abuser brother. I don’t have it in me. I don’t have enough for myself. I did a few years ago, but not anymore – and it ain’t coming back. I’m at the end. I wish I could explain it to you the way I can understand YOUR pain. But you wouldn’t understand. You’d just listen and then cry like you always do. I swear I’ve never met such a contradiction in fragility and profound strength. It’s as remarkable as it has been infuriating.
Right now I don’t have any other resources left other than for what I have to take care of before it’s finished. Of course, I can't tell you this. But God I’m in such profound, inexplicable, wordless misery… :cry:
I don't know what to say. We talk everyday. And we get to talk about lots of stuff we couldn't be honest with others about. Cuz we’ve gone through so much together. But your problems are such a burden on me. It's very much of the reason I'm in the shape I'm in - being busy taking care of you these years. I told you that if my brother moved in things would change. You betrayed me and said it would never happen. But it did. So i backed off.
I've been fighting for my own sanity for all these years as well. You keep telling me how deep-down sad and tired you are. God knows i believe you. And I know you have a lot of endless woe, physical and otherwise. More than any one I personally know actually. For God's sake I already said "Goodbye" to you 4 times over these years and made peace with it, only wishing for your peace and that you be out of pain. But I've had my own. And when you tell me you couldn't stand it if anything else bad happened - I want to scream that I'M IN THE SAME BOAT. But shit keeps happening!!
I want to leave. And I have as many hundred reasons as you do. So when you say you’re soul-weary - I believe you because I have and feel that miserable state myself. And I can't stay just for you. I can’t stay just to carry you till you’re done – and then be your executor to clean up all the shit - plus be forced to deal with my past-abuser brother. I don’t have it in me. I don’t have enough for myself. I did a few years ago, but not anymore – and it ain’t coming back. I’m at the end. I wish I could explain it to you the way I can understand YOUR pain. But you wouldn’t understand. You’d just listen and then cry like you always do. I swear I’ve never met such a contradiction in fragility and profound strength. It’s as remarkable as it has been infuriating.
Right now I don’t have any other resources left other than for what I have to take care of before it’s finished. Of course, I can't tell you this. But God I’m in such profound, inexplicable, wordless misery… :cry:
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I wish I could take at least some of ur load off ur shoulders , but unfortunateli I can't find the words which would make things at least a little easier for u.
I care for u. A lot. That's all I can give u; my friendship3.
and virtual hugs.
And all I can do is hop3e that those gestures at least p3ut a smile on ur face.
I'm around if u wanna talk. Anitime. And if u can't reach me, email me.
Thinking of u.
:arms:
I care for u. A lot. That's all I can give u; my friendship3.
and virtual hugs.
And all I can do is hop3e that those gestures at least p3ut a smile on ur face.
I'm around if u wanna talk. Anitime. And if u can't reach me, email me.
Thinking of u.
:arms:
F
Thank you so much, but as many of us know, all too often there are no words to "fix" things. We tend to think in those terms. I grew to grasp that and it dosn't make me sad anymore. But your reading - "listening" - has become the most prcious thing I can get from a friend. That and your random surprise hugs! Oh -- and that dancing cat avatar!! I can't help but smile...
Always have a kind word or at least a hug for a friend - Status