Not really sure what to say. I have been reading through the some of the threads there are some really desperate people out there. There are also some really good people that honestly sound like they want to help people. Its good to know that there are people out there who are genuily happy with there lives and that they want to help other people reach there level of contentedness.
I didn’t want to write anything for the sake of sympathy or having nice things said to me. I just wanted to write how things are for me. Im not sure why maybe its some sort of self therapy or just getting things straight in my own mind. But anyway who cares.
I'm 25 now and I have suffered on and off from deep bouts of depression since I was around 17. Every couple of years I hit a massive low. Which normally lasts for 2-6 months. The times in-between times I call my dead times. These are the times when I get up everyday I go to work and generally blend into society but the whole time I do it on auto pilot my brain wont let me think only comply. And then suddenly from nowhere the depression hits me. I have had times which have been so low that all I want to do is scream for it to stop but always in the back of my mind there has been that slight grain of hope that one day things might be better and it has always stopped me from even thinking about suicide.
This time is different that grain of hope has gone. I know with all of my heart that nothing can ever give me what I need. Even if I could do what ever I wanted I know that these would only be superficial fleeting moments and even with a million of them everyday it would still not be enough to satisfy me. I would still feel empty and alone. I have had some therapy she was a nice lady who I felt really wanted to help me but she really didn’t understand what I was telling her. The things she has told me to do to make things better are either things which I have all ready thought of and tried myself and failed or they are things which at the very least rely on that Gilmour of hope. Which I don’t have.
I am quite calm I feel that this really is the only option for me. I am so tired of making the effort of fighting I really just don’t have it in me anymore. 2 weeks ago I took and overdose of Prozac I managed to sit and watch TV with my girlfriend for just over an hour before I got scared and told her. I felt calmer for telling her and really wished I hadn’t. I got taken to the hospital by the police. I was so focussed in my mind, I was so ready. I refused to have any help from the hospital so they just put me in a bed and left me to it. 20 tablets is not enough.
A week later I tried to cut my own wrists which is a lot harder than it might sound. I went out late at night on my own because I didn’t want my girlfriend to find me in the morning. I tried for nearly an hour. I was covered in blood but I couldn’t bring myself to cut through my veins. The human self preservation instinct is really strong you have to be so focused to beat it. Any way I gave up and went home. My girlfriend had found me missing and called the police. So by the time I got home I was faced with 2 cops 2 ambulance guys. It was so humiliating I just wanted to be left alone. I got my arms stitched up.
I think that tablets are the way forward. I have been saving them up and I now have 51. I hope that it will be enough and that I will be strong enough to see it through. I don’t believe that when I die there is a heaven or a hell. I believe its like unplugging a TV Click, Off gone. I am scared. I know that I cant go on pretending and any way its all the same In the end.
I didn’t want to write anything for the sake of sympathy or having nice things said to me. I just wanted to write how things are for me. Im not sure why maybe its some sort of self therapy or just getting things straight in my own mind. But anyway who cares.
I'm 25 now and I have suffered on and off from deep bouts of depression since I was around 17. Every couple of years I hit a massive low. Which normally lasts for 2-6 months. The times in-between times I call my dead times. These are the times when I get up everyday I go to work and generally blend into society but the whole time I do it on auto pilot my brain wont let me think only comply. And then suddenly from nowhere the depression hits me. I have had times which have been so low that all I want to do is scream for it to stop but always in the back of my mind there has been that slight grain of hope that one day things might be better and it has always stopped me from even thinking about suicide.
This time is different that grain of hope has gone. I know with all of my heart that nothing can ever give me what I need. Even if I could do what ever I wanted I know that these would only be superficial fleeting moments and even with a million of them everyday it would still not be enough to satisfy me. I would still feel empty and alone. I have had some therapy she was a nice lady who I felt really wanted to help me but she really didn’t understand what I was telling her. The things she has told me to do to make things better are either things which I have all ready thought of and tried myself and failed or they are things which at the very least rely on that Gilmour of hope. Which I don’t have.
I am quite calm I feel that this really is the only option for me. I am so tired of making the effort of fighting I really just don’t have it in me anymore. 2 weeks ago I took and overdose of Prozac I managed to sit and watch TV with my girlfriend for just over an hour before I got scared and told her. I felt calmer for telling her and really wished I hadn’t. I got taken to the hospital by the police. I was so focussed in my mind, I was so ready. I refused to have any help from the hospital so they just put me in a bed and left me to it. 20 tablets is not enough.
A week later I tried to cut my own wrists which is a lot harder than it might sound. I went out late at night on my own because I didn’t want my girlfriend to find me in the morning. I tried for nearly an hour. I was covered in blood but I couldn’t bring myself to cut through my veins. The human self preservation instinct is really strong you have to be so focused to beat it. Any way I gave up and went home. My girlfriend had found me missing and called the police. So by the time I got home I was faced with 2 cops 2 ambulance guys. It was so humiliating I just wanted to be left alone. I got my arms stitched up.
I think that tablets are the way forward. I have been saving them up and I now have 51. I hope that it will be enough and that I will be strong enough to see it through. I don’t believe that when I die there is a heaven or a hell. I believe its like unplugging a TV Click, Off gone. I am scared. I know that I cant go on pretending and any way its all the same In the end.