I am not suicidal, but sometimes I wish I was. It might be easier then. My mind wont shut down. I feel like I am losing it. The doctors do not believe that I have depression, but that may be due to the fact that I am too ashamed of what I believe is causing it to actually tell them. In fact, the only reason that I am able to post this here is because I feel as if I am reaching a breaking point and the fact that this is not face to face with someone makes it slightly easier. My problem is one related to loneliness. I am 24 years old and have yet to have a single relationship. I have gone on one date in my whole life and that was with a lesbian who I already knew was a lesbian before hand because I was also good friends with her girlfriend too. the only reason we had the date was because me and her girlfriend asked her out at the same time and they felt sorry for me, I guess. I have heard it over and over again. "Don't worry. Just give it time and it will happen." The years have passed and I am falling deeper and deeper into hopelessness. Everyone around me is getting successful jobs, getting married, and having kids. I am having one bad incident after another happen to me and am on the verge of having to live in my broken down car. Even so, none of my other problems even compare to the mental state that this loneliness is putting me in. I am not a virgin, but it has been over 5 years since I last slept with someone. I do not look bad, but I am very socially awkward. I always say or do something that makes me look like a fool. Especially recently since I am desperate and trying new things to see if I can change my approach. I am also that TOO nice guy. I do not want to be, but I have mentally tied myself morally. I can not cuss or intentionally be mean in any way. This might seem good, but I have found it to be very limiting. I have tried to break it, but even when I am alone, if I try to say a cuss word or anything I deem "close", I lock up an can't do it. Anyways, as it stands, I can not get any normal girl, but guess what I CAN get. Every last one of my friends' girlfriends/wives. The more I meet them the more they get attracted to me. So far every last one of them has tried to sleep with me. One even went so far as to go and buy condoms because she thought I was saying no because there was a chance that I might get her pregnant. I must say that at this point, saying no is getting harder to do by the day. 5 years is long enough to make me very frustrated, more so when there are girls who actually WANT to do stuff. Which brings me to today. I am over at a friends house spending the night on the couch downstairs because we were drinking and even though I am sober, morally I can not bring myself to drive even if I only had 1 drink. At 2 AM, my friend's girlfriend comes through the door coming from a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Everyone is asleep upstairs and she decides to come sit with me. She has flirted with me countless times in the past, but no one was awake right now. I have no real attraction to her at all (which I think has saved me thus far), but 5 years of frustration easily takes over and after much kissing and fondling I find myself pushing her off of me trying to regain my sanity. After telling her to go upstairs to her boyfriend she spends the next 20 minutes trying to get me to change my mind, nearly successfully. After I finally get her to go upstairs, I lay here in guilt and paranoia thinking that him or his other room mates might have woken up and heard us. We are all supposed to hang out tomorrow and I know I will be looking around the room wandering if anyone woke up and heard us. Worst of all, I know that she does not care if anyone finds out, but I do not want to lose any of my friends. Her boyfriend is a great guy and one of my best friends. The last time 5 years ago that I keep mentioning, was with his LAST girlfriend right outside his bedroom door while he was asleep. I doubt he will take it so good a second time. For all my morals, I am an evil person. I can not keep doing this. Sorry for the long post.