So this is my last resort of trying to find some type of help, motivation, inspiration, or even general support. I've emailed the Samaritans and tried posting on another suicide support forum. Samaritans seem to just give automated responses of the same questions over and over as if it's always someone else reading my emails. They're not allowed to give advice or much more support than saying they are listening. It just didn't help. The other suicide forum deleted my posts every time I told someone they're not alone and I am willing to write, listen, and support them since I know what it's like. I've always had a desire to help people and it hurts to see others in pain even when I am as well. I figured the moderators got jealous of my ability to respond in an eloquent fashion as a new member on their forum was positively thrilled when I responded so quickly and felt so connected as his spirits were lifted due to my writings. I've just recently lost a part time job due to writing letters of malfeasance to the corporation about my superiors. I defended the weak and the innocent reporting things that I witnessed that included sexual harassment, physical violence, and the threats, duress, and intimidation they would conduct to their weaker employees that couldn't really stand up for themselves. After about 20 pages to the corporation, they told me I was terminated for no reason. When I applied for unemployment, they said I was "insubordinate" even though I always did my work as I was deemed their top performer in everything I did. And that was their words "top performer." Couldn't have made a living off of that job anyway. As I have tried to find other jobs, no one seems to call me, and the one interview I did go on for another retail corporation, I guess I didn't make it past the interview for some reason even though it seemed to go great. I needed that job that I had the interview with but they never called back and it's been a month so I know I didn't get the job. The combination of both of those things hurts so greatly it's unbearable. None of my other applications grab a response as my phone is quiet. Not even custodial positions or dishwashing positions. At one point, I even re-applied for the job I lost as I did love it, just not the things I witnessed those above me doing. Naturally I just got a denial email. I was offered a full time waiter position with a retirement community, but when I told him my last bus ride home would be 7pm, that wasn't good enough. So not having a vehicle is obviously preventing me from finding work as well. I was born into a broke family so it's not really an option to obtain a vehicle in any way. After rent, bills, and a food, I just can't afford a monthly payment, insurance, and gasoline. Obviously being born into a broke family that couldn't support the necessary means of preparing me for this society I now live in is the ultimate problem with my life. People always say it's "all your fault" your life is like that, but I've worked hard and did my best as I paid my way for so long. Eventually the corporations that I worked for cut hours so bad after Obama initiated his obamacare plan, I was no longer getting the hours to make ends meet. To be more specific, Obama turned full time to 30 hours a week which means corporations and companies must pay their employees benefits if they work 30+ hours a week. That used to be 40 hours a week. If these corporations do not give the benefits, the government fines them $2,000 per employee. Therefore, hours a cut down to less than 30 hours a week which means I struggle to make a living. Now, I don't have a job at all after standing up for what's right, being a good person, and doing the right thing. Shame on me. I am almost 30 and I have 4 months left on my lease until it is up and I have no way to make rent. Without a full time job, no complex will sign me a lease unless I make significantly more than monthly rent which is usually 3x the rent. My mother, as broke as she is too, is willing to let me live in her small apartment with her boyfriend. I am going to lose all my furniture and possessions because there's no where to put it and no money for storage. All going to the trash soon. My mother isn't a very supportive person as I'm sure she's just as angry and depressed the majority of her life was being broke all the time. She blames me acting like I can magically get a job, buy a house, and have a family. Living in that environment with her and her boyfriend which probably won't like me at all seems more poisonous to myself than my current situation. All she's doing is pushing me to join the military which I don't want to do. I have no interest in going to the military and living that type of life of slavery. Even in the military, suicide rates are astonishing, they just don't report them as much as they should. I have no interest in continuing my life anymore. I can't find a job, definitely not a full time job, and so far not even a part time job. There's no one who can help in my life or even support and encourage me in any way. All I have is my mother and it's all guilt trips making me feel like a worthless person because I couldn't magically make a living, buy a car, buy a house, and have a family like I am "supposed" to. I've never even found a girlfriend, which doesn't really bother me because I couldn't support her or buy her anything as I am a worthless failure. It's basically all planned out as these are my last 4 months on planet dirt. I try to enjoy my life as much as I can, but naturally the stress is completely overbearing. Just wish I could remit the feelings of a sledgehammer tearing its way through my chest. The disappointment when waking. The distress of hopelessness. The fluttering of painful sorrow effecting the quintessence that is me. The destitution of motivation to even replenish the energy it takes to withstand. Read a news article about how homicides have dropped while suicide has increased. More than likely due to the next or current recession and state of the economy. Jobs that are needed but continuing to be absent. Joy that is scarce while suffering is abundant. Maybe it is one huge test or learning experience. Probably just a giant probability of energy experiencing itself in every way possible. Perhaps a huge joke of nothingness. Just the possibilities to enjoy life to the fullest through complete happiness at all costs. But when those who are truly happy, have incredible wealth, enjoy every single days of their lives, the end must come. They grow old, become bitter, or at best appreciative. Then the fate of the happiest might even charge the burden of the greatest pain of all as they know it must end. Loved ones must die and the circle must complete. It wasn't built to last and to endure such a fate as the happiest of all must be worse. Maybe the greatest happiness is wanting it to end as nothing will be missed for there was nothing to miss. If there was no love to lose then it must not be that painful. It's a shame because I am physically fit, willing to work hard, and would love 40 hours a week even if it was sweating all day long just to support myself and continue to live in my small apartment. Being smart, strong, healthy, and with incredible work ethic doesn't seem to matter to the world anymore. I live in a world of apathy where everyone seems to be out for themselves with no concern for anyone else. I guess I was just born to die.