4 Months Left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tabula Ras, Sep 27, 2013.

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  1. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    So this is my last resort of trying to find some type of help, motivation, inspiration, or even general support. I've emailed the Samaritans and tried posting on another suicide support forum. Samaritans seem to just give automated responses of the same questions over and over as if it's always someone else reading my emails. They're not allowed to give advice or much more support than saying they are listening. It just didn't help. The other suicide forum deleted my posts every time I told someone they're not alone and I am willing to write, listen, and support them since I know what it's like. I've always had a desire to help people and it hurts to see others in pain even when I am as well. I figured the moderators got jealous of my ability to respond in an eloquent fashion as a new member on their forum was positively thrilled when I responded so quickly and felt so connected as his spirits were lifted due to my writings.

    I've just recently lost a part time job due to writing letters of malfeasance to the corporation about my superiors. I defended the weak and the innocent reporting things that I witnessed that included sexual harassment, physical violence, and the threats, duress, and intimidation they would conduct to their weaker employees that couldn't really stand up for themselves. After about 20 pages to the corporation, they told me I was terminated for no reason. When I applied for unemployment, they said I was "insubordinate" even though I always did my work as I was deemed their top performer in everything I did. And that was their words "top performer."

    Couldn't have made a living off of that job anyway. As I have tried to find other jobs, no one seems to call me, and the one interview I did go on for another retail corporation, I guess I didn't make it past the interview for some reason even though it seemed to go great. I needed that job that I had the interview with but they never called back and it's been a month so I know I didn't get the job. The combination of both of those things hurts so greatly it's unbearable.

    None of my other applications grab a response as my phone is quiet. Not even custodial positions or dishwashing positions. At one point, I even re-applied for the job I lost as I did love it, just not the things I witnessed those above me doing. Naturally I just got a denial email. I was offered a full time waiter position with a retirement community, but when I told him my last bus ride home would be 7pm, that wasn't good enough. So not having a vehicle is obviously preventing me from finding work as well. I was born into a broke family so it's not really an option to obtain a vehicle in any way. After rent, bills, and a food, I just can't afford a monthly payment, insurance, and gasoline. Obviously being born into a broke family that couldn't support the necessary means of preparing me for this society I now live in is the ultimate problem with my life.

    People always say it's "all your fault" your life is like that, but I've worked hard and did my best as I paid my way for so long. Eventually the corporations that I worked for cut hours so bad after Obama initiated his obamacare plan, I was no longer getting the hours to make ends meet. To be more specific, Obama turned full time to 30 hours a week which means corporations and companies must pay their employees benefits if they work 30+ hours a week. That used to be 40 hours a week. If these corporations do not give the benefits, the government fines them $2,000 per employee. Therefore, hours a cut down to less than 30 hours a week which means I struggle to make a living. Now, I don't have a job at all after standing up for what's right, being a good person, and doing the right thing. Shame on me.

    I am almost 30 and I have 4 months left on my lease until it is up and I have no way to make rent. Without a full time job, no complex will sign me a lease unless I make significantly more than monthly rent which is usually 3x the rent. My mother, as broke as she is too, is willing to let me live in her small apartment with her boyfriend. I am going to lose all my furniture and possessions because there's no where to put it and no money for storage. All going to the trash soon. My mother isn't a very supportive person as I'm sure she's just as angry and depressed the majority of her life was being broke all the time. She blames me acting like I can magically get a job, buy a house, and have a family. Living in that environment with her and her boyfriend which probably won't like me at all seems more poisonous to myself than my current situation. All she's doing is pushing me to join the military which I don't want to do. I have no interest in going to the military and living that type of life of slavery. Even in the military, suicide rates are astonishing, they just don't report them as much as they should.

    I have no interest in continuing my life anymore. I can't find a job, definitely not a full time job, and so far not even a part time job. There's no one who can help in my life or even support and encourage me in any way. All I have is my mother and it's all guilt trips making me feel like a worthless person because I couldn't magically make a living, buy a car, buy a house, and have a family like I am "supposed" to. I've never even found a girlfriend, which doesn't really bother me because I couldn't support her or buy her anything as I am a worthless failure.

    It's basically all planned out as these are my last 4 months on planet dirt. I try to enjoy my life as much as I can, but naturally the stress is completely overbearing.

    Just wish I could remit the feelings of a sledgehammer tearing its way through my chest. The disappointment when waking. The distress of hopelessness. The fluttering of painful sorrow effecting the quintessence that is me. The destitution of motivation to even replenish the energy it takes to withstand.

    Read a news article about how homicides have dropped while suicide has increased. More than likely due to the next or current recession and state of the economy. Jobs that are needed but continuing to be absent. Joy that is scarce while suffering is abundant.

    Maybe it is one huge test or learning experience. Probably just a giant probability of energy experiencing itself in every way possible. Perhaps a huge joke of nothingness. Just the possibilities to enjoy life to the fullest through complete happiness at all costs.

    But when those who are truly happy, have incredible wealth, enjoy every single days of their lives, the end must come. They grow old, become bitter, or at best appreciative. Then the fate of the happiest might even charge the burden of the greatest pain of all as they know it must end. Loved ones must die and the circle must complete. It wasn't built to last and to endure such a fate as the happiest of all must be worse.

    Maybe the greatest happiness is wanting it to end as nothing will be missed for there was nothing to miss. If there was no love to lose then it must not be that painful.

    It's a shame because I am physically fit, willing to work hard, and would love 40 hours a week even if it was sweating all day long just to support myself and continue to live in my small apartment. Being smart, strong, healthy, and with incredible work ethic doesn't seem to matter to the world anymore. I live in a world of apathy where everyone seems to be out for themselves with no concern for anyone else.

    I guess I was just born to die.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Obama definitely has hurt this country (USA) with his Obamacare. I'm watching lots of people lose their full time employment as a result of this. Hang in there though, the people are trying to get this stupid health care plan reversed - we may succeed. That said, if you are in the U.S., you may want to use some of the U.S. resources for mental health care (aren't Samaritans a UK program??). Your situation for living may have to change but rather than putting your furniture in the garbage, consider a quick sale (or Craig's list ad even). If you sell it you can invest it in living expenses and replace it later. Material things can always be replaced. I have gone from wealth, to being poor (lived in my car), to having quite a lot again... so time certainly is the deciding factor, if you give time a chance. You cannot change what is behind you, but you can change what is going forward. Sometimes you have to take a few steps back in order to go forward. Most importantly, never make decisions that cannot later be reversed.
  3. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    Thanks for the response.

    I just don't see how I can go forward anymore. I've applied to more jobs that I can count within these last 5 months and even during my last employment. That retail corporation that I had an interview with was my last hope. I even wrote them a thank you letter and everything. For some reason the universe is against me or I suppose it's all my fault for helping out those people with my reports. One kid was in tears with the way he was being treated and after my reports to the corporation he thanked me and felt uplifted as he told me no one else has ever stood up for him. It's difficult to think I did the wrong thing even with being in the situation I am in now.

    I suppose there is some sense of hope in just sitting around and waiting for time to run its course. I've been feeling this way since I lost my job which was months ago, and it's just brought me to the point where it's too unbearable to continue. I thought it would eventually go away. Never felt this way before in my entire life even growing up in such a broke family that could hardly scrape a living itself.

    Sleep used to be something to look forward to, now my dreams are incredibly stressful. Waking up is the worst part of my day. I can feel the emotion rush throughout my body as if it left just for a little while when I slept and everything becomes painful as if the entire world is crushing me where I stand. All I think about is ending it all finally as I guess I screwed up too much at this point by losing my job. They had a 'no retaliation' policy for their corporate 'help line' as well. What a joke that was. But it's that failed interview with the other corporation that would have paid more, given more hours, and handed out annual bonuses to their employees. I couldn't believe they didn't want someone who loves physical labor and has such a strong work ethic.

    I can't figure out where else to apply to. What else to do exactly. I doubt the military would even take me as I am only a GED graduate as well. Even if they did, I don't see myself wanting to continue in that life either as I'll probably be stationed somewhere in the desert for years at a time. The simple pleasures of being able to sleep in my own bed. A bed that I bought specifically because I conducted so much physical labor in my last employment, my body desperately desired an adequate place to sleep and recover. Now in 4 months, I'll even lose that which set me back about an entire grand.

    And just as you said, decisions that cannot be reversed, the regret is an emotional burden which seems to cause this physical pain. It's not like I screamed, yelled, threatened and intimidated my superiors as they did their inferiors. I simply just wrote my take of the situation. I guess I could be proud that it had such an effect on them they were so scared they decided to fire me. Who knows what would have happened if I reported my findings to OSHA, EEOC, or even a lawyer. Not that I had any money for a lawyer.

    I guess life just isn't fair and it's all too bad. Whether I live or die, everyone else is going to continue and I won't have an effect on anything at all. Don't see the point in being born anyway at this point.
  4. themute

    themute Active Member

    Do you think you could move to another country to try and get work? I know that loads of people are moving to Alberta in Canada because there is a lot of work available there at the moment. It's too bad corporations and companies are doing whatever they can at the expense of their employees to avoid paying for health benefits. I can't get any kind of job either, it seems like no one wants to give anyone a chance anymore, but then we still get blamed even though we have no control. Hang in there, because you never know when things might change <3
  5. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I wouldn't even know how about going to move somewhere else. I don't have a vehicle and I am out of money as I live off of food stamps now. The internet creates the illusions that there is work available, but when I apply to all these positions that seem to need filling, I don't get a response. One interview out of all the places I've applied to is not a whole lot of hope anymore.

    Even though the last corporation I worked for seems to conduct apathy and unethical practices, I almost want to write them a letter begging for my job back even though it's not much more than 20 hours a week. At least I would have a job and have somewhat of a sense of purpose in the world.

    My problem was thinking positive and having confidence in myself. I thought only positive things could come from reporting what I was witnessing in my employment. Thinking the corporation would be thankful that I would give them the feedback that they have wanted as it's stated in their employee handbook. I can honestly say that thinking positive, having confidence in myself, and being assuming I could find something better as I know my value as an employee was my complete downfall. So many people in the world say you need to have a positive attitude and have confidence in yourself while following your heart. Well, that positive attitude and confidence crushed me down into my current demise. Even when I had a job, my mother would constantly berate me for not having a full time job as if I can magically find another one.

    I wish I had different parents. Reading this book called 'chicken soup for the soul: positive thinking.' All the stories so far are about well off people with supportive families, grand educations, wonderful jobs, and yet they are still miserable and somehow magically pull themselves out of it as they begin to think positive and have confidence in themselves. It's as if it's geared towards the part of society that was born with everything they need to survive the current society and are simply experiencing temporary emotional downfalls. Give me a story where the piss poor broke peasant finds a way to be successful in the tiniest sense of just surviving.

    I know exactly how you feel when you say you can't get a job, no one wants to give a chance, and we are blamed even though it's not in our control. It has become heartbreaking to hear motivational speeches simply say, "Get up and go get what you want." How many places have I entered to fill out an application now. How many online applications. How hard have I worked breaking my back for minimum wage unloading trucks and stocking product. I had perfect attendance and numerous verbal recognition for my work. If that's not getting up and trying to go get what I want, I don't know what is.

    There's a sufficient amount of wealthy people in this world who do nothing to help the society who made them wealthy. There are more empty homes in America than there are homeless in the streets. There are corporations who are not willing to provide benefits and a living wage to people or even give them a chance anymore. What happened to the 90 day probation period? Why couldn't the corporation I interviewed with at least give me 90 days to prove myself. They wouldn't have regretted it, not with the way I work.

    I even have a best friend who, well isn't much of a friend anymore because of my situation and depression, comes from incredible wealth. Parents rent him an apartment, buy him a car, put him through college. His parents own a house with over 3 empty rooms that sit there collecting dust. But they wouldn't lift a finger to help save someone's life. Nothing matters or is worth a worry but for themselves. Proves to me that friends are no more than a convenience. No such thing as real "friends" at all. Doesn't seem to be such thing as love either.

    As someone who considers them self one of the last good people on the face of this planet, there is no hope at this point. My chest hurts greatly as I watch everyone in the world go on with their lives being happy and stress free. I am not angry, but incredibly jealous of those born into such families that helped them and prepared them for this world in the condition it is in. I don't even have a drivers license due to no one caring enough to teach me to drive. I don't have the money to pay for a school, or an instructor. And I obviously don't have a vehicle to bring to the DMV just to pass the driving course to obtain a license.

    I've been hanging in there for a while now since I lost my job thinking things might change. It's only becoming worse and more unbearable as time goes on. Never thought someone such as myself would be on a suicide forum because I have no other support or anyone to care for me in this world. This is my bottom of the barrel desperation for something to change.

    I am out of luck and running completely empty on hope it seems. Four months left until my lease is up is all the hope I am going to have. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep and even being overwhelmed by tears in the morning when I wake up. I enjoy life, I enjoy the beauty of the grass and the trees, the sound of the birds, and the breeze against my skin. I even enjoy working and being around people as they seemed to love me, but that's all gone, without money and a job, I am no longer a human being anymore. Just a burden and a problem no one wants to deal with.

    As I go shopping and observe the universe around me, I see everything that I'm going to miss. I wonder what people would think if they only knew that I'm going to kill myself soon. Probably no different than what they think of me now, just a nobody. It's also strange how people think popping a pill is going to magically get me a job. I'm not chemically imbalanced, I am unemployed. If the wealthiest in the world suddenly lost all their money, their homes, cars, beds, reputations, and everything, no pill is going to stop them from jumping out a window at that point.

    Top it all off, my mother demands a portion of rent when I live with her. If I don't magically find a job, I'll be thrown to the streets and I have no idea how long she'll even give me. I can't endure losing all of my stuff or selling it. I earned it fair and square and the apathetic society I live in as someone who's willing and capable of working hard is going to take it away without a thought. To think that even with my last employment, I would still be losing my apartment anyway. Twenty hours a week just wasn't going to cut it anymore.

    Not even my own mother is going to miss me anyway. She got over my fathers death pretty quickly and found some other guy to live with. Even if she is hurt, I bet only a matter of months before she's happy again and no one remembers.
  6. themute

    themute Active Member

    I found a quote on tumblr that I think would resonate with you:
    "always be happy that your alive even if you’re getting Fuckin Owned by global capitalism and its multitudes of oppressive insititutions or else we’ll lump u in with the rest of the Sad Mindless Drones cause ur not Alive so just fuckin be happy and love stuff thanks

    the positivity movement"
    You're going through such a difficult thing, you shouldn't have to be positive. I think a lot of the focus on positive thinking that permeates constantly in the messages we receive from the media and general public is really a way for society to blame its victims instead of taking responsibility and acknowledging that it's completely corrupt.
    You did a good thing in reporting what you did, the problem is with the institution, not with you. If you can't travel to get a new job then maybe try to see if there is an occupy movement in your area? I'm not sure how strong the occupy movement is anymore, and I am aware of some of the valid criticisms of it, but if you find people who are still involved with it in your area I think there is a chance someone could help you out. I saw some occupy camps this summer just where I live. Also, and I'm so sorry if all of this sounds weird, but maybe look into joining a commune (not a cult!!!)? A friend I have in England joined one for a while where he stayed in exchange for his labour. He said everyone was very nice and friendly, and he liked it even though his living conditions weren't great. There is also WWOOF which stands for world wide opportunities on organic farms where people volunteer on farms and in exchange the owners provide food and housing. A lot of people use it for cheap travelling but chances are there could be a wwoof farm in your area as well. I know you said that you don't have a licence, but do you think you could afford a bus to get to these places? I know these ideas sound a bit crazy but you really seem to want to live and appreciate life so maybe it would be worth checking them out?
    If you need someone to talk to please feel free to pm me. I really, really hope things work out. You deserve it.
  7. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    Wow. I do like that quote. Reminds me when I think deep down about that hearts desire it has always been to change the world as cliché as it sounds. Someone has to care and someone has to do something. For a while I thought about my reports to the corporation as the only way I can make a difference save from spilling the CEO's blood. Perhaps there was that slight hope that someone worthy, good, and wholesome was listening that had the power to do something or recognize a good person worth preserving. Not only did I fight the good fight but I did it while being deemed the "top performer." Figured if anyone was going to be listened to it would have been the best of the best. Little did I know what they had in store for me as obviously they were nothing more than the "global capitalism and its multitudes of oppressive institutions."

    I believe as well, those that have the power, the wealth, and the authority to make a difference find the excuse to do nothing as they blame the individual for all their downfalls as if everything is handed to us from birth in order to survive and prosper. I was aware of the occupy movements, even though the media hardly gave it coverage, but I don't think anything like that is currently going on or even went on in my city.

    The ideas you give do bring an interesting perspective I haven't looked at before. The problem is with my strength to endure such endeavors. I have always desired the simple life of living in my own small apartment, even a studio or efficiency, and being able to come home after a hard days work and just sit in my chair in front of my computer in peace. To be able to sleep in my own comfortable bed to rejuvenate my body for a 40 hour work week. To enjoy the simplicities of desired food and perhaps beer while watching movies or playing games on my downtime with air conditioning. Something I never thought would be so hard to ask for in this existence of life as so many seem to have so much more.

    I suppose those type of communes and farmhand options are there. I have never been very much of a social creature in life though. Probably not suffering from a severe type of anxiety, but definitely a little bit which I blame for the thoughts and current desires to end it all as all hope is depleting.

    I still hope things do work out as well. Like I said, 4 months of it, but even in periods of the day where I feel a little happier, I come crashing down all over again as I seem to regret everything I have done to land myself in such unemployment.

    Your posts as well as others do seem to develop that slight motivation of hope. Honestly, just reading what you wrote to me a little bit ago put me in tears thinking how someone actually cares enough to respond. I just don't know if I am going to make it through this. Motivation only lasts so long.
  8. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hello, saw you in the other thread also.
    you seem to have a way with words and that's the end of my thought there...

    i am also out of a job. conventional one.
    fortunately i have someone who chips in though.
    not important though. idk why i'm even writing this.

    suppose just wanna give a bit of hope
  9. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I seriously appreciate the response. Any kind of response. It makes me feel as if I'm not just writing to myself and helps me to believe that maybe there are good and decent people in the world that are worth fighting for as everything seems to be crumbling significantly as if it's at the point of no return.

    Even your situation is important regardless if you don't think it is. It's a feeling of the hearts desire which is what we are supposed to be listening to. Acting on our feelings as humans is something we have lost along the way through this evolution of mankind and society. At some point, the bubble of all the logic we are brainwashed to endure and abide by will eventually burst. Apparently it seems that the economic logical bubble will soon burst too and it's only a matter of time before America falls into communism.

    I'm glad you wrote that. The feeling is a good one in general just to be able to connect and know you have an effect on someone. Of course I can relate to the frustrations and emotional burdens of being out of a job. It's ridiculous to finally understand how much more a job provides for our well beings other than an income. There is a social function in almost any job which helps us to become normal while constantly teaching us about ourselves, business, and people in general. The "university of life" as some like to look at it. Without my previous employment, I would have had no idea I can become so passionate and develop such an ethic for a minimum wage job. I must be grateful for the experience. Depressing as it sounds, the experience cannot seem to land me another job where my values and passion can be taken advantaged of and adored for the gift that it can be in this world.

    Sometimes it really seems like as if I do not have a purpose in this life. My parents obviously didn't want children. Never really felt important to them but more as a burden they couldn't and didn't want to afford. What I wouldn't give for someone to simply desire me just for the person I am instead of how much money I can bring in. I don't think I am ever going to be successful in life in regards to the standards of obtaining a surplus of money which is all the majority of the world cares for.

    I even have thoughts of becoming a criminal and just becoming down right evil just to survive and become independent. Most of the time doing such a thing seems incredibly simple as one can learn from the mistakes of stupid criminals and their attempts just by watching the news.

    I appreciate the complement of my way with words, but in reality, they are simply an extension to use to portray my feelings. It's hard to understand and feel how someone thinks without a certain amount of explanation and words when it comes down to it.

    And overall, I welcome anyone into the thread I create even if you want to express your hardships and feelings as I do need something to work with. Otherwise, I will eventually run out of things to write. Even in such a forum, I, and all of us, can learn something as long as there's no holding back.

    You writing that does give me a bit of hope, it really does. It's just a shame I will wake up in the morning with the amount of stress that will probably bring me to tears again and again. Nothing seems to help me cope and I've lost a whole lot of desire to do the things I used to enjoy. It's as if my spirit is officially broken and I don't know how to fix it.
  10. justanumber

    justanumber Member

    tabula,whatever you do,do not kill yourself. i was in a worse situation that you are in. i had about 45 cents to my name in December. i have no family or friends and i came close to killing myself,but the forum administrator told me about food pantries and i found a social worker and i got general relief and food stamps. to make a long story short,i got approved for social security and i will not get evicted. if you do not find a job and your lease runs out,go live with your mom. also,try to see a psychiatrist and apply for SSI. i am only 2 years older than you and i got approved for mental disability. i think you can too,once you get that,you can take your time and find a full time job that you would like. i wish you luck and hope that you are financially secure.
  11. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    wake up and come back to talk to us..
    i'll come up with something better to say
  12. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I honestly don't want to die. At this moment in time I cannot see myself losing everything to go sleep on a couch or a floor with three people to a small apartment. I really attempt to imagine myself somehow pulling out of the situation if I did live with my mother, but I can only imagine the horrible way I'll be treated constantly as a burden. Full time jobs seem nearly impossible for me to obtain without a vehicle. There was even a grounds keeping/porter position I applied for, but as I had no vehicle, they were not interested at all even though I could have taken a bus route to and from. I can understand that owning a vehicle is a sense of reliability, but once again, they're not even willing to give me a chance.

    Thinking about it all is incredibly painful. Having to understand that I'll endure watching my furniture go to waste and the emotional distress of wondering how much grief I'm going to be dealt as guilt trips would be a daily occurrence. The idea that it's only a matter of time before I am even kicked to the street as I have no idea how my mothers new boyfriend, who pays the rent, is going to treat me and expect of me either. It's like living with a complete stranger. I won't be able to escape it in any way as, the more than likely scenario, will be enlist into the military or live on the streets. I can't deal with that. Might even lose my device to off myself with as it could prove hard to conceal without their knowledge. I am grateful that I was left with that device as it proves a quick exit as well.

    I guess it sounds ridiculous to most not to at least try to live in that small apartment and give it a fighting chance. The fact of the matter is I've been unemployed for at least 5 months now with no hope in sight. Not much hope that anything is going to change once I endure the change of a living situation. At least I would have had a job I could walk to from the complex if they gave me the job with that last interview. I can't believe I wasn't good enough. Was hard as day by day went by wondering when I'd get a call. They could have at least emailed me a rejection notice. That failed interview turned out to be that final last straw. It all went completely and totally down hill from there.

    I don't know how to think anymore. Don't really know what to pursue. Not even menial jobs such as custodial work and dishwashing, which I could take just as much pride in as anything, seem to be available. It's no longer survival of the "fittest" but survival of the "financially viable." It's basically over in my mind and it has been for a while. Believe me I am enduring and attempting to find a way out of the thought process if it is indeed my own fault specifically. Society has just failed on so many levels in my opinion. Some of the most laziest and unmotivated people seem to get by. As if I am officially part of that percentage of people that is simply not going to survive. I guess there can't be jobs for everyone. I guess not everyone really, truly, has a fighting chance. Perhaps I did, but being a good person with ethics and principles got in the way.

    I suppose I could continue to live, and if I eventually do get kicked to the streets as there is nothing out there for me, just as my mother likes to put it, then I could just become a criminal and see what happens. The scary thought of that is ending up in prison where I'd even have a harder time trying to off myself. It's as if I have this perfect way out, and if I don't, I may never have that out again. At least not a relatively quick and painless one.

    I guess I'll keep reading this damn "power of positive chicken soup for the soul" as if it's going to create some motivational inspiration and ideas to obtain an income. Not even mcdonalds called me from an application. How pathetic is that. I used to think things were meant to be. As if we all had this grand purpose. Now it seems to be a giant collision of random probabilities that created us in this incredibly unfathomable mass existence of a universe.
  13. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I have just read through this entire thread. I could easily write several hundred words with some thoughts on your situation, what happened at the previous employment, and take some guesses at to the difficulties in finding employment now. I am reasonably certain you would not find all of those thoughts overly supportive, however sometimes a genuinely objective viewpoint would be more productive and constructive than simply agreeing and commiserating. Suffice it to say that while you have presented your situation eloquently and with passion I believe you are lacking perspective (by which I mean either the ability or willingness to look at a situation from more than one viewpoint) and objectivity (which is natural since it is nearly impossible to look at a problem objectively if it is ones self that is the focal point).

    I also believe you are very clearly intelligent, capable, and have a lot to offer both the world and yourself. I hope at some point in the next few weeks you gain the ability to focus on your strengths and use some of your ample capabilities and strengths to curb passion and zeal with reality until you are in a position to use the passion and zeal in a positive way to affect change and awareness. The simplified version of that is you need to choose your battles and the only battle you need to be fighting at the moment is the one that ends with you having a more stable mid to long term solution for income and living arrangements. The short term (as in a few weeks) seems to be handled though I am unsure actually if you are saying you have four months in current situation before moving is not an option and you are homeless. When those mid to long term needs are more settled then taking on the crusade to influence some of the wrongs you see in the world around you can be implemented.
  14. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    this. but very put off by things not moving forward and a feeling of hopelessness.
    how are you fairing today?
  15. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    The responses effect me greatly in the best way possible during this storm of turmoil that I hope passes eventually. It almost musters up those feelings as if I do not even deserve the type of support you all so graciously offer. In all honesty, writing it out, being heard with responses, and finally not feeling so alone seems to act as the proverbial umbrella in the unbearable storm of my current life itself. That storm only seems as if it may become worse as I might be just as much to blame for being in the middle of it due to poor choices and planning in attempting to offset an unmovable obstacle which was the corporation that I previously worked for. Granted, even if I continued, the entire situation itself wouldn't have proven viable as it still wasn't good enough to sustain an independent living. But I suppose keeping that employment could have acted as a sheltered tunnel passing through an overwhelming body of water. As if I look at that tunnel as being not sufficient and ethical enough so I took a sledge hammer and decided to rebuild it myself which results in fighting the ocean. If you fight the ocean, you will drown. I think I am drowning.

    I can look at it all in the objective sense that reporting malfeasance to the corporation about my superiors was a surefire way to becoming unemployed. Something I should have done with a backup plan initiated in the first place. Never assuming with positive thinking and confidence that I would find other employment if, but finding it first before I decide to tackle such endeavors. It's a lesson I already knew, but for some reason there was just an incredible motivating force that pushed me to do such a thing. For a while there I felt like William Wallace, fighting the good fight which felt incredible, but deep down understanding that it may ultimately accomplish nothing as I thought someone has to at least try for a change. Living life without regrets was one way of looking at it, and I didn't want to regret not doing something about it when no one else had the audacity to do so.

    On a realistic standpoint, I am 30, uneducated, and my time is running out. I have never desired to be thrown into the military life and still do not. Failing that interview for a job with a much more ethical corporation leaves me realistically understanding that there may very well be nothing left for me. Understanding that I just very may be inhabited in a city where work is officially scarce and absolutely challenging to come by without a reliable mode of transportation like a vehicle. Knowing that majority of menial positions usually hire people that are much younger and naïve about general passion and ethic. Thankfully at least, I do not look like I'm 30. After a shave and a haircut I've been told I look like a teenager.

    I may not, but I figured, that I was looking at my situation from a realistic point of view. Therefore, bringing me to the conclusion to just end it all as it is obviously only going to become harder and harder as I get older. Growing up with a father, passed away at 54 due to 35 years of smoking cigarettes, so quit smoking, who was a bona fide genius with a surplus amount of education that could hardly find viable means of work either thanks to the new age situation of "overqualified." Didn't give me much hope for someone such as myself to become successful. If he couldn't do it, how can I. This is where I started to understand hard labor would be in my future if education was not. I thought it would be much easier to obtain such employment as opposed to the sought after office and desk jobs most seem to desire.

    Maybe I will have no choice but be left with the option of joining the military in hopes of viable means of financial survivability. Sadly, I am afraid that I will have to succumb to unethical, passionless, and dehumanizing endeavors which ultimately reduces us human beings to nothing but a number. How could someone like myself truly go down such a path if I couldn't even hold my tongue with a minimum wage job in a multi-billion dollar fortune 500 company. I am a man of 'why' and 'what if.' The military wants you to be a man of 'who cares' and 'just do as you're told.'

    Latest application was to a popular restaurant chain for a dishwashing position that advertised 'part-time/full-time.' Even that type of physical labor I would enjoy. Even I understand the world need ditch diggers and toilet cleaners. A type of mindless drone work that leaves someone such as myself in positions to literally meditate while I work while being thankful for the life that is. I wouldn't mind even that. But I so desperately need a full time position. Why should that be so difficult and so much to ask for.

    I appreciate the complements greatly. I lose confidence and the idea that I am indeed intelligent, capable, and have a lot to offer. Grown to believe that perhaps I am not though considering the situation I am in and the mindset to just end it all. Not necessarily giving up in a sense, but I'd rather check out than become trapped underneath the weight of the world.

    It's nice to know someone out there cares enough to take the time. As of today, I find myself relatively empty on inspiration and motivation to even type many thoughts out. Technically the day is young and usually I become much more content later in the day as I become sleepy and tired. Knowing that, that is why I am completely distressed about that last interview. It would have been a night job doing physical labor. Wish they could have interviewed me at night, maybe I would have done better, but I don't really see where I went wrong other than lack of experience or the possibility these corporations have somehow "black-balled" me. I have always wanted a job where I worked nights as I never felt very much of a day person. But don't get me wrong, those early mornings right before the sun comes up are usually the most beautiful as the senses are filled with the cool air and the smell of rain due to the morning dew.
  16. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    so it's the rejections of the employers that make you lose confidence and esteem?
    i relate somewhat
  17. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    Not having a purpose seems to be the biggest issue. A better off dead than struggling type of situation. Understanding and knowing that doing the right thing and standing up for what you believe in can leave you betrayed by an employer you worked so hard for. In my last employment though, there were always new supervisors. Young, inexperienced, and without talent in any way other than privileged enough to buy a degree through college. Type of supervisors that do not know any other way to "lead" than to bully, harass, intimidate, and threaten by duress in order to get the inferiors to conform to their way of thinking. Regardless of the lack of work ethic, respect, and ability, those are the ones who seem to land a high salary overseeing the peon slaves like myself not concerned with the individuals value. We are all replaceable in the eyes of those type of superiors, without a thought or care in the world, obviously, by those above no matter how hard you try to reach out for empathy.

    A discouraging and convincing mentality that even with a drive to change and perhaps a value and worth; someone such as myself is not worthy of survival in the 'real world' as I should have known better to make a difference. Maybe the idea of everything happening for a reason and perhaps being punished by the universe in a way that I am supposed to suffer regardless of my traits.

    It's hard to come around to any other mentality than I may very well not be fit for this world and society I live in as there is nothing out there for me at all. Becomes too hard to continue and push through the storm while maintaining any type of realistic or positive attitude. More of a why bother continuing if it's only going to become worse. Why bother if it's going to get harder. If I cannot find anything to enjoy anymore and accumulate those feelings of happiness, there is no point in life then.

    I guess I had a decent job and I shouldn't have messed with it the way I did. I loved it and I wanted to fight for the possibility of it rising to it's potential. Simply could not stand working for such people that were newly pointed above myself. The condescending attitudes that brought on stress regardless of how great it felt to accomplish and produce such amounts of work. The only way to curb that stress was to report it and I did. It felt good. Now, it's all regrets. It's not like I was bad at my job or blew up on people. Not like the majority of the workers who are lazy and do not care. As if the world does not require passionate work ethic and strong values in their employees, but a desire for mindless drones that prove to be unworthy and 'beneath' the superiors in order for them to feel better about themselves. A world I care not to live in and endure.

    "Here's to the brave among us, to a code of honor that sets certain men apart from all others. Here's to us."
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